| Re: a comment on Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22 |
24-Sep-06/1:11 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Shadows In Your Eyes by PoeticJustice |
23-Sep-06/9:29 AM |
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agreed. this also needs something solid. too much telling about the feelings, not enough showing through actual acts and images.
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| Re: a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*. |
23-Sep-06/9:26 AM |
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instead of just telling people about the feelings, it might be helpful to try to show through concrete images how those feelings manifest themselves. right now the words are so completely vague i can't find anything to latch onto.
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| Re: a comment on Singing by ThereseWaneck |
22-Sep-06/1:39 PM |
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on second look, "a sweet sad song" does sound a bit out of place.
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| Re: Musical Buttocks - Cha cha cha by Edna Sweetlove |
19-Sep-06/6:21 PM |
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first stanza is super. second is pointlessly gratuitous, especially the self-mention.
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| Re: a comment on weather poem part 8: stating the obvious by nypoet22 |
18-Sep-06/1:49 PM |
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interesting commentary, thank you for your input. i'm considering adding a stanza after that one to clarify. we'll see how it goes.
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| Re: a comment on weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22 |
18-Sep-06/1:40 PM |
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neat, i hadn't even thought of that! i actually meant now i must weather your [being mentioned by someone else]. i love it when people discover abiguities i hadn't considered.
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| Re: a comment on Week End Justification by half.italian |
17-Sep-06/4:36 PM |
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in the movie king kong, a giant ape escaped his captors in new york, climbed a skyscraper and was shot down by airplanes. though he was a raging wild animal, kong was a sympathetic character. to me the hollow ears line means somebody who either won't or can't listen, much like those who suggested that putting kong on display for entertainment might not be such a good idea.
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| Re: a comment on weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22 |
17-Sep-06/4:24 PM |
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no, i mean weather. as a verb it means to survive or get through something, to cope with it in spite of the harm it does, like "weathering the storm."
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| Re: Satyr by ecargo |
17-Sep-06/5:28 AM |
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ebrious! bittersweet too, i think.
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| Re: Flea poem by Sing4Jesus! |
17-Sep-06/4:28 AM |
boom boom whap! boom boom whap! boom boom whap! FUCKING boom boom whap!! Jesus FUCKING loves you! whoo!
cute.
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| Re: When I look inside my heart by Engelbert Humpalot |
17-Sep-06/4:23 AM |
ieeeeeewwwwwwwww...... this transitions from concept poem to gross-out comedy. really it's two different pieces.
i think you should have stopped at "Anybody wanna suck?"
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| Re: To be alive by nightowl |
17-Sep-06/4:18 AM |
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hmm... couplets, hallmark style. on first glance it seems a bit childish as a composition, but i like the easy rhyme within and the half rhyme at the end.
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| Re: Farewell, Kind Lover by Dovina |
17-Sep-06/4:15 AM |
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read this once yesterday and again today. brave sprouts i love.
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| Re: Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer |
17-Sep-06/4:12 AM |
the word Toons, while it may be true to your experience, sounds weird, brings in images of kids cartoons, which i think isn't what you want. i happen to think that most of this reads brilliant, and probably sounds even moreso when you perform it.
"barely soothed by the cheap malta flowin through my junkie veins" is definitely a line to keep. some tightening up might be called for, but i like the flow here a lot.
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| Re: don't touch me 2 by elderking |
17-Sep-06/4:03 AM |
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deepest pockets sounds forced. i think willful hand needs to be plural. the rest works pretty well i think.
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| Re: Prayer by amanda_dcosta |
17-Sep-06/3:43 AM |
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what did He say? what did He say? as the introduction to a series i could see this poem working, but i don't think it stands on its own.
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| Re: Week End Justification by half.italian |
17-Sep-06/3:40 AM |
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i like the use of rubber as a verb, and the last two lines. knowing that hollow ears would only see words seems incomplete to me, like it wants a grounding image to connect the middle of the poem and its end. perhaps something about a skyscraper and airplanes?
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| Re: The Red Chain by MacFrantic |
17-Sep-06/3:19 AM |
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clever language. this poem is tightly constructed, which makes me wonder more about the subject. i feel the first 8 lines are very strong, but something more solid is needed within the last 4, to complete the chain, as it were.
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| Re: a comment on weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22 |
16-Sep-06/1:39 PM |
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"A senryu is a three line Japanese poem structurally similar to haiku. It is unrhymed and the subject is based on human nature. It is usually satirical or ironic."
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