replying on Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22
24 Sep 2006, 1:11 AM
ni hau, zhong-guo
replying on Shadows In Your Eyes by PoeticJustice
23 Sep 2006, 9:29 AM
agreed. this also needs something solid. too much telling about the feelings, not enough showing through actual acts and images.
on a fresh start by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*.
23 Sep 2006, 9:26 AM
instead of just telling people about the feelings, it might be helpful to try to show through concrete images how those feelings manifest themselves. right now the words are so completely vague i can't find anything to latch onto.
replying on Singing by ThereseWaneck
22 Sep 2006, 1:39 PM
on second look, "a sweet sad song" does sound a bit out of place.
on Musical Buttocks - Cha cha cha by Edna Sweetlove
19 Sep 2006, 6:21 PM
first stanza is super. second is pointlessly gratuitous, especially the self-mention.
replying on weather poem part 8: stating the obvious by nypoet22
18 Sep 2006, 1:49 PM
interesting commentary, thank you for your input. i'm considering adding a stanza after that one to clarify. we'll see how it goes.
replying on weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22
18 Sep 2006, 1:40 PM
neat, i hadn't even thought of that! i actually meant now i must weather your [being mentioned by someone else]. i love it when people discover abiguities i hadn't considered.
replying on Week End Justification by half.italian
17 Sep 2006, 4:36 PM
in the movie king kong, a giant ape escaped his captors in new york, climbed a skyscraper and was shot down by airplanes. though he was a raging wild animal, kong was a sympathetic character. to me the hollow ears line means somebody who either won't or can't listen, much like those who suggested that putting kong on display for entertainment might not be such a good idea.
replying on weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22
17 Sep 2006, 4:24 PM
no, i mean weather. as a verb it means to survive or get through something, to cope with it in spite of the harm it does, like "weathering the storm."
on Flea poem by Sing4Jesus!
17 Sep 2006, 4:28 AM
boom boom whap! boom boom whap! boom boom whap! FUCKING boom boom whap!! Jesus FUCKING loves you! whoo!
cute.
cute.
on When I look inside my heart by Engelbert Humpalot
17 Sep 2006, 4:23 AM
ieeeeeewwwwwwwww...... this transitions from concept poem to gross-out comedy. really it's two different pieces.
i think you should have stopped at "Anybody wanna suck?"
i think you should have stopped at "Anybody wanna suck?"
on To be alive by nightowl
17 Sep 2006, 4:18 AM
hmm... couplets, hallmark style. on first glance it seems a bit childish as a composition, but i like the easy rhyme within and the half rhyme at the end.
on Farewell, Kind Lover by Dovina
17 Sep 2006, 4:15 AM
read this once yesterday and again today. brave sprouts i love.
on Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer
17 Sep 2006, 4:12 AM
the word Toons, while it may be true to your experience, sounds weird, brings in images of kids cartoons, which i think isn't what you want. i happen to think that most of this reads brilliant, and probably sounds even moreso when you perform it.
"barely soothed by the cheap malta flowin through my junkie veins" is definitely a line to keep. some tightening up might be called for, but i like the flow here a lot.
"barely soothed by the cheap malta flowin through my junkie veins" is definitely a line to keep. some tightening up might be called for, but i like the flow here a lot.
on don't touch me 2 by elderking
17 Sep 2006, 4:03 AM
deepest pockets sounds forced. i think willful hand needs to be plural. the rest works pretty well i think.
on Prayer by amanda_dcosta
17 Sep 2006, 3:43 AM
what did He say? what did He say? as the introduction to a series i could see this poem working, but i don't think it stands on its own.
on Week End Justification by half.italian
17 Sep 2006, 3:40 AM
i like the use of rubber as a verb, and the last two lines. knowing that hollow ears would only see words seems incomplete to me, like it wants a grounding image to connect the middle of the poem and its end. perhaps something about a skyscraper and airplanes?
on The Red Chain by MacFrantic
17 Sep 2006, 3:19 AM
clever language. this poem is tightly constructed, which makes me wonder more about the subject. i feel the first 8 lines are very strong, but something more solid is needed within the last 4, to complete the chain, as it were.
replying on weather poem part 7: a short, sudden gust by nypoet22
16 Sep 2006, 1:39 PM
"A senryu is a three line Japanese poem structurally similar to haiku. It is unrhymed and the subject is based on human nature. It is usually satirical or ironic."