Help | About | Suggestions | Alms | Chat [0] | Users [0] | Log In | Join
 Search:
Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments   

don't touch me 2 (Free verse) by elderking
while hanging there in midair, fingers startled still with his demand, curling now like cowards, they sought the shelter of her hand. shame then, laced them tightly, into fists from willful hand, which she lost in deepest pockets; she hasn't touched him once since then.

Up the ladder: The Brigadier's Motto
Down the ladder: Mannequin

You must be logged in to leave comments. Vote:

Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 00
.. 00
.. 30
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 6.2
Weighted score: 5.1430435
Overall Rank: 5390
Posted: September 14, 2006 10:20 PM PDT; Last modified: September 14, 2006 10:20 PM PDT
View voting details
Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 12.72.43.131 | 15-Sep-06/10:10 AM | Reply
There's just enough here to show an unclear scene. Only one thing I would omit: "from willful hand," because it's repeat as far as I can tell. You might want to let us in on a little more of what's going on.
[n/a] elderking @ 172.194.201.130 > Dovina | 21-Sep-06/2:58 PM | Reply
You're right about all..I'm still in too much of a hurry to finish and not fleshing the piece out. Thanks for the input, Dovina.
[7] pete @ 195.92.168.168 | 16-Sep-06/9:23 AM | Reply
the last line needs working on i think ..it does lighten the intensity but is that intentional? does she want to touch him? or was he way out of order?
[n/a] elderking @ 172.194.201.130 > pete | 21-Sep-06/3:10 PM | Reply
pete-she had enjoyed touching him and did so in an almost unconcious manner. he on the other hand thought each touch held a hidden agenda; he told her to stop touching him so much...so she did.
one of my biggest problems writing is dropping the reader into the middle of the unknown assuming clarity when often there is none. Thanks for you thoughts, Pete
[8] nypoet22 @ 65.9.114.211 | 17-Sep-06/4:03 AM | Reply
deepest pockets sounds forced. i think willful hand needs to be plural. the rest works pretty well i think.
[n/a] elderking @ 172.194.201.130 > nypoet22 | 21-Sep-06/3:11 PM | Reply
you're right I think "deeper pockets" may have flowed better.
Thank you.
[8] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 18-Sep-06/8:46 AM | Reply
Not sure why you started with "While"--it reads as "while hanging there . . . they sought the shelter," which seems off, odd. Would work if you just started with "Hanging in midair, her fingers startled still . . . curled like cowards . . ." I do like aspects of this--I like the sharp focus on the image of hands, the way you convey the story completely through what the hands are doing (reminds me a little bit of the scene in Hitchcock's "Notorious" where Ingrid Bergman has stolen her husband's wine cellar key, and there's a terrifying moment where you think she's going to get caught as he goes to kiss her palm, and all the tension and emotion is conveyed by a long shot of her hand holding the key, closing 'round the key, a fist behind her back and, finally, the open, keyless palm he deposits a kiss into). I'm a little confused by the syntax of this--hard to figure out whose fingers, whose willful hand. If you could clean up the narrative a bit, think you'd have a really effective poem.
[n/a] elderking @ 172.194.201.130 > ecargo | 21-Sep-06/3:17 PM | Reply
Thank you ecargo. and you too are correct: the syntax isn't clear. I need to slow down and remember the basics I think.
Thanks again.
171 view(s)




Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2024 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001