on Today's Spam by nentwined
16 Sep 2006, 7:57 AM
i like this as a concept poem. feels like more is needed though.
on Nude Falling Down Staircase by zodiac
16 Sep 2006, 7:47 AM
this is blank verse, isn't it? the title reads like the title of a painting, which leaves me wondering whether there's a real painting behind the poem. on completion of my first read it made me chuckle. in my estimation the phrase "made all-one" in line 12 should be eliminated. the meaning is already implicit, and the line would have so much more "oomph" without.
Pie!
Pie!
replying on weather poem part 8: stating the obvious by nypoet22
15 Sep 2006, 1:31 PM
no no, i like meddling. hmm, when the thermostat RAISES? That would be a change that wouldn't bother me much. would it satisfy your concern?
on Kristi's Quiescence by matt door
14 Sep 2006, 6:33 PM
seems a bit distant. i like the form and flow, but i don't get any depth of feel for the object of the poem. it might help to expound upon some of her physical features.
replying on weather poem part 8: stating the obvious by nypoet22
14 Sep 2006, 6:28 PM
in most non-tropical households the thermostat has a timer. during the cold months most people set it low for night when people are in their beds and back high for the morning. that's when i meant. anyhow, that would be a non-grammatical error, so i don't think it's what the original comment meant.
replying on weather poem part 8: stating the obvious by nypoet22
14 Sep 2006, 3:40 PM
"Everyone mentions the weather, sweats out their pores when the thermostat rises." what's wrong about it?
on Wet dreams by ecargo
10 Sep 2006, 10:08 PM
hah, wet dreams as in water, fetishy. pale ghost seems in the wrong place in its line. funny how the first and last stanzas are like couplets while the rest is rife with internal rhyme.
on Royal Blades by Dovina
10 Sep 2006, 9:49 PM
i like this even more for knowing its background.
on From Across the Line by Dovina
10 Sep 2006, 9:46 PM
i love this except the last line of the second to last stanza and first line of the last. i was really pining to see the poem close where it opened - if i may be so bold:
"tear down the foundations of my Rose Bowl!"
O Daughter of Disneyland, doomed to destruction,
"tear down the foundations of my Rose Bowl!"
O Daughter of Disneyland, doomed to destruction,
i'm not seeing much beyond the biblical story here, though i like the cadence. the meter of this is interesting; every second verse is 4-3-4-3 and the others are mostly all 4's. is there a reason for this? in the first stanza i think the second line has to go, too much tell and not enough show. i like the last stanza the most.
replying on weather poem part 9: song for gloria by nypoet22
10 Sep 2006, 9:23 PM
i wish i could claim some clearly defined master plan where that's concerned. at the moment i feel like it's still taking shape, something to mirror the weather itself, cyclical and predictable over time but random day to day.
replying on weather poem part 10: reprise by nypoet22
10 Sep 2006, 9:14 PM
truth be told, i'm not quite sure yet how it will fit together either, but i'm always open to suggestions.
replying on weather poem part 12: a dream by nypoet22
10 Sep 2006, 9:10 PM
interesting thought. i hadn't planned on ending it here, though this is as yet the last of the series. the initial goal was to fill an entire journal with weather poems and condense later.
on With Old Light by Ranger
9 Sep 2006, 1:55 PM
i love the way you construct the stanzas; it feels very natural as endrhymes go. i do agree with your own comment about a dearth of metaphor, but that doesn't detract much.
replying on Flour by MacFrantic
9 Sep 2006, 1:51 PM
i like the funky punctuation. it changes the way i read, and i think the meaning as well.
replying on Everything by RION12
9 Sep 2006, 1:40 PM
maybe it should be.
on Fat girls Who Wear Short Skirts During Winter Quarter by DurtKL
9 Sep 2006, 1:36 PM
i somehow have the sense that i've seen this form before. or maybe it's just a bit similar to other forms. in any case the repetition works very well. the topic is a little on the cutesy side, but it's blunt, tight and well-addressed. one may criticize the poem as insensitive to the issues dealt with by the obese, but anyone who can't figure out the point probably needs hooked on phonics.
replying on weather poem part 9: song for gloria by nypoet22
9 Sep 2006, 1:07 PM
it's a long and as yet incomplete series of poems. they vary in form and content, but are all connected with some aspect of weather, which i think is the foreground of most small talk. most of the poems start with the same line as well, this being one of the exceptions.
on Hailing Miriam by Ranger
9 Sep 2006, 5:15 AM
i wonder how many readers understand the historical significance here. this is very well thought out. my suggestion would be to have liner notes like eliot, explaining the references.
on Epistemology (2nd draft) by Ranger
9 Sep 2006, 5:12 AM
overall i like this.