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Other № 145944

weather poem part 8: stating the obvious

by nypoet22

Member since 2006 · Posted 13 Sep 2006 · 11 comments

Everyone mentions the weather Sweats out their pores when the thermostat rises The waking from a morning sleep Each day fighting the finality of it All screaming to wake the others To capture the strolling of earth and heaven Tumbled like clothes in the dryer Turning, these moments well up tears in my eyes the corner of my bloodshot eye from there i catch a rare glance at yours, downcast

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11 comments

[8] Dovina 14-Sep-06/11:36 AM Reply
Line 2 seems grammically wrong, otherwise great.
[n/a] nypoet22 › Dovina 14-Sep-06/3:40 PM Reply
"Everyone mentions the weather, sweats out their pores when the thermostat rises." what's wrong about it?
[n/a] zodiac › nypoet22 14-Sep-06/4:38 PM Reply
For one thing, don't you mean the temperature or the thermometer rises? The thermostat is that thing you turn up to turn on the furnace, right?
[n/a] nypoet22 › zodiac 14-Sep-06/6:28 PM Reply
in most non-tropical households the thermostat has a timer. during the cold months most people set it low for night when people are in their beds and back high for the morning. that's when i meant. anyhow, that would be a non-grammatical error, so i don't think it's what the original comment meant.
[n/a] zodiac › nypoet22 15-Sep-06/5:46 AM Reply
You don't know Dovina. It could very well be. She could have meant that 'rise' is an awkward verb to use for something that people 'raise.'

Anyway, "when the thermostat rises" is not a very useful or evocative expression. It takes me out of the flow of the poem, while I think, "while the thermostat rises? What the hey?" I would just consider saying temperature, mercury, or something else that rises.
[n/a] zodiac › zodiac 15-Sep-06/5:48 AM Reply
I see now that she meant something totally different. C'est la vie. I'll stop meddling.
[n/a] nypoet22 › zodiac 15-Sep-06/1:31 PM Reply
no no, i like meddling. hmm, when the thermostat RAISES? That would be a change that wouldn't bother me much. would it satisfy your concern?
[n/a] zodiac › nypoet22 15-Sep-06/2:58 PM Reply
No, I'm afraid not. You might just save 'thermostat' for another poem. Or find a way to make it more sensible and evocative.
[n/a] nypoet22 › zodiac 18-Sep-06/1:49 PM Reply
interesting commentary, thank you for your input. i'm considering adding a stanza after that one to clarify. we'll see how it goes.
[8] Dovina › nypoet22 14-Sep-06/7:15 PM Reply
Since some of the lines begin with capital letters, we must assume those are the beginnings of sentences. Hence the pseudo-sentence: “Sweats out their pores when the thermostat rises.”

I have tried all means of avoiding agreement with zodiac, and though he worded it clumsily, high temperature causes sweat; a thermostat setting may or may not, and does so only indirectly.
[n/a] Ranger › Dovina 14-Sep-06/10:08 PM Reply
Aah, you two are so cute sometimes...

I don't see the problem with line two - the thermostat does rise of its own accord when set to, and he doesn't say 'sweats out their pores *directly because* the thermostat rises'. Thermostat goes up, temperature goes up, people get hot, people sweat. As for it being a sentence in its own right, again that's not a problem. In this context it's not a standalone sentence - starting with 'Sweats' in this case means it refers back to the previous sentence for the subject (everybody). Splitting the whole phrase into two seperate sentences removes the need for the conjuncion [and] as well as for punctuation.