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Week End Justification (Free verse) by half.italian Bones rubber a bit
loose ends defray
mind eases
Sordid pleasures fly tipsy on my tongue
but there is no one to hear
Knowing that hollow ears would only see words,
I will be Kong
King of Thought.
Up the ladder:
Audrey's poem
Down the ladder:
The Ultimate Survivor
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.142857
Posted: September 16, 2006 1:32 AM PDT; Last modified: September 16, 2006 2:32 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.576303 Overall Rank: 2399 Comments:
"Sordid pleasures fly tipsy on my tongue, but there is no one to hear. Only hollow ears would only see words." Yep, that pretty much says it.
i like the use of rubber as a verb, and the last two lines. knowing that hollow ears would only see words seems incomplete to me, like it wants a grounding image to connect the middle of the poem and its end. perhaps something about a skyscraper and airplanes?
hmmmm... Show me how the skyscraper and airplanes fit.
I worked on the "hollow ears" line for several hours and couldn't get it right. I tend to hide lack of skill behind vague, incomplete images. Does it make any sense?
in the movie king kong, a giant ape escaped his captors in new york, climbed a skyscraper and was shot down by airplanes. though he was a raging wild animal, kong was a sympathetic character. to me the hollow ears line means somebody who either won't or can't listen, much like those who suggested that putting kong on display for entertainment might not be such a good idea.
I like that connection. It adds another dimension that I hadn't expected. I meant Kong less literally, as in a powerful beast.
I'd love the last line more if there were more of a build-up to it, something that anticipates it earlier in the poem. I think your second stanza might be a stronger starting point, and that your first stanza could use more fleshing out. And while I realize that you probably use "hollow ears that see words" in some metaphoric way, metaphors are more effective if they actually work in reality (in a sense), so I have to point out that ears don't see. (yeah, I'm pedantic.) Lots of potential here--would like to see a more complete treatment of your subject (especially given my Saturday morning of of my own wkend justification). ;-)
Thanks ecargo. You provide the exact nudge I need. I'll work on it and see where it goes.
Dammit, I must have been slow-thinking recently. More so than usual, anyway. There's most certainly a pun in here - 'weakened justification', relating to the excesses of stanza 2 - and if there isn't, there should be. Upping the score for that, and also because every time I read this the last two lines get more and more fun.
If you see it and it works, Its there. My subconcious tends to do some amazing things when I'm not thinking. :)
It's true. You'll find a million puns in anything (at least, in anything long enough to contain a million puns). Go all-out Freudian in your writing. What's really clever though is to read through your own works, spot the potential, and work on it - make it intentional. Then you get uber points, from me at least!
Half.italian, another good poem! Original, lyrical and thoughtful. "Bones rubber a bit.." is great! I'm not crazy about "...fly tipsy...", but I also love the last three lines. The point is: it's not "the usual." It's a fresh, UNusual way of looking at a subject, with fresh, unusual word choices. Nice job.
Cool...I would consider changing the 'ears' line...maybe change 'see' to grasp, grab,...I don't know; maybe not...you are in a fog of thought and reacting from an inner, gut level and language here. I would probably use just such a phrase, especially within the context of internal dialog.
The first read-through didn't grab me, but after a second, then a third read, it grew on me. I do think it has potential to be more...not by way of excessive wording- but in expounding. I'd like to know more...from point a to point b, etc. 329 view(s)
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Cool ending, btw