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Singing

Member since 2006 · Posted 4 Sep 2006 · 4 comments

Sloshin' Singin'a dripping Tune rollin' Thunder drums Blows Rockin' Lightening strikes Crashin' A sweet sad song... Pickin' up the pitch Splashin' Nature sways An instrumental sweep Kickin' "groupies" Off thier feet... Slickly steppin' steppin' steppin, to the storm of the rain songs beat...

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A favorite of nypoet22.

4 comments

[8] Dovina 4-Sep-06/6:46 PM Reply

I like the flow of this, but think some of the straight lines (lines that don't end in "in'") could be be shortened or made light:

Thunder drums
Lightening strikes
An instrumental sweep

[8] Ranger 4-Sep-06/11:45 PM Reply

"A sweet sad song" didn't really seem to fit after the thunder/lightning/rock passage. Unless I missed something, which is highly plausible. I like the last three lines, but how about just "Slickly/step-step-steppin' to the storm/of the rain song's beat"?

[9] nypoet22 › Ranger 22-Sep-06/1:39 PM Reply

on second look, "a sweet sad song" does sound a bit out of place.

[9] nypoet22 9-Sep-06/2:46 AM Reply

i feel ya. sloshin' is a weak beginning though; reverse the order of lines 1 and 2.

last stanza rocks rocks rocks.