| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Singing (Free verse) by ThereseWaneck Sloshin'
Singin'a dripping
Tune rollin'
Thunder drums
Blows
Rockin'
Lightening strikes
Crashin'
A sweet sad song...
Pickin' up the pitch
Splashin'
Nature sways
An instrumental sweep
Kickin' "groupies"
Off thier feet...
Slickly
steppin' steppin' steppin, to the storm
of the rain songs beat...
Up the ladder:
Boy with the wooden gun
Down the ladder:
Santaâs Journal 25thDec2003
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Posted: September 4, 2006 5:34 PM PDT; Last modified: September 4, 2006 5:34 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.1490035 Overall Rank: 5287 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
"A sweet sad song" didn't really seem to fit after the thunder/lightning/rock passage. Unless I missed something, which is highly plausible. I like the last three lines, but how about just "Slickly/step-step-steppin' to the storm/of the rain song's beat"?
on second look, "a sweet sad song" does sound a bit out of place.
i feel ya. sloshin' is a weak beginning though; reverse the order of lines 1 and 2.
last stanza rocks rocks rocks. 140 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Thunder drums
Lightening strikes
An instrumental sweep