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Shadows In Your Eyes (Free verse) by PoeticJustice A shadow in your eyes
A smile that is fake
A piece of your heart dies
In a world that we make.
The darkness in your mind,
The stalker does ensue,
Secrets I might never find,
Things you never knew.
A laugh that sounds so cold,
Love thats hidden away,
Your soul's already sold,
All the things we'll never say.
Our love becomes your pain,
Your family comes apart,
And now I'm driving you insain,
And it's breaking up my heart.
I try to hold it all in,
I put you in this place,
I sometimes wish we could start again,
As the tears stream down your face.
I want to make you smile,
It's all become so tough,
I can't pick up the phone or dial,
Our hearts wonder if we're enough.
My love for you will never end,
I hope the pain will sink away,
With all the kisses we send,
Come to my heart and stay.
Up the ladder:
When the World Forgets
Down the ladder:
A Fistful of Ass Haiku
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.6666667
Posted: September 22, 2006 10:20 PM PDT; Last modified: September 22, 2006 10:20 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.6414113 Overall Rank: 12402 Comments:
[7]
Ranger @ 86.131.48.199
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23-Sep-06/2:31 AM
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Reply
It needs, well, structure. The rhythm's all over the place, which makes it difficult to read. A bit more invention with the rhymes wouldn't go amiss either - remember that rhyme is a rhythmic device and shouldn't be the primary concern. If you can't find a direct rhyme to fit the metre, rhyme loosely, no-one will be too concerned by it.
[5]
nypoet22 @ 65.10.92.48
> Ranger
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23-Sep-06/9:29 AM
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Reply
agreed. this also needs something solid. too much telling about the feelings, not enough showing through actual acts and images.
Well, I can see from this how you feel, and that's a good thing. A lot of poets these days put a lid on their feelings, and all we get from them is language. What we want from you, however, is language. The other comments have said it; we want to read your clever turn of phrase and all that stuff. Just don't give up the other.
dreary doggerel.
You guys are so mean. I wrote out these feelings and all you care about is the way it reads. But looking from the last 20 comments about all poems, everyone on this site is mean. I could go through everyone elses poems and call their thoughts and feelings badly written and sound smart and clever, but what about the persons feelings that you just hurt from saying things like that when they are trying to get things out there for the world to see and hoping someone will understand? You should all think before you mouth off.
Cheers, PoeticJustice. Thanks for appreciating the time I spent actually reading and thinking about this poem. Bearing in mind that this site is called PoemRanker, what do you think the main purpose is? To rank poems, or to rank feelings? I'm sorry if this makes me sound like an insensitive knob, it's not meant to, but I mean it. What do you want, a genuine reflection on your poem, or ego stroking? If you are looking to improve poetically, this place is pretty good. If you just want to put down everything you feel and assume it counts as poetry that people will want to read, it's not such a good place. Trust me, that's how I started out. But then, everybody's got to start somewhere, it just depends where you want to go. Good luck with your writing, whichever direction you take.
P.S. - don't worry about any shitty comment or vote you get from Edna Sweetlove or any associated crony. We all get that.
Do keep in mind that the site is called PoemRANKER. If you just want to write about feelings and not have anyone comment critically on your poems, then this probably isn't the best place to post them. And I'm not being mean, just honest.
The rhyme and rhythm are very forced. The structure of the poem is almost an afterthought, you might want to consider incorperating them while writing instead.
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