poemranker ::Her Eyes by Fayt

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Sonnet № 146642

Her Eyes

by Fayt

Member since 2004 · Posted 24 Sep 2006 · Edited 24 Sep 2006 · 8 comments

To the beauty that has been harnessed in your eyes, I write this ode to you. To their reflection of the stars of the night sky, To the coloring of their delicate brown hue. The grace contained within is nothing less than divine, They have made me realize god is real. Your eyes give off a unique radiant shine, No act of nature could craft the glow your eyes reveal. They proclaim your emotions for all to see, Shining forth with that same bright light. When your happy they sing in melody, Causing my passion to ignite. They have the ability to inspire love, That is a gift given only from above.

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8 comments

[6] Dovina 24-Sep-06/2:49 PM Reply
Here you have writen an outline for the essence of a poem. It is not a poem, but good thoughts that you can make into a poem. Nice start.
[n/a] Edna Sweetlove › Dovina 24-Sep-06/4:52 PM Reply
Ignore that patronising rubbish. The poem's OK but would be improved by correcting the spelling errors.
[n/a] Fayt › Edna Sweetlove 24-Sep-06/5:35 PM Reply
sorry, posted this rather quickly after i wrote it. Fixed.
[n/a] Ranger › Fayt 27-Sep-06/3:24 PM Reply
Listen to the patronising rubbish, it'll help you improve.
[n/a] Fayt › Ranger 29-Sep-06/10:29 PM Reply
can i get some patronising rubbish from you? =P
[n/a] Ranger › Fayt 30-Sep-06/6:06 AM Reply
Sure. Find a solid structure for this - it's a sonnet; read some Shakespeare for the metre. For instance, 'unique radiant' doesn't work together very well. That may be down to accent differences I suppose (you're in the States, right?) but I'd be surprised if it was. In that passage, the stresses go 'u-NIQUE RA-diant' whereas classical Shakesperean sonnets were mostly (if not all) iambic pentameter which has a da-DUM da-DUM beat. That's not to say that all the words have to be bisyllabic, you can end one word on a weak ('da') ending and start the next on a strong ('DUM'). You'll also find that constraining yourself to a set metre will also help you find new words to use, and hopefully from there, a bit more inventiveness. 'I write this ode to you' is a good bit of iambic metre, although obviously not pentameter.

Definitely get rid of 'love/above' though.
[n/a] Fayt › Ranger 30-Sep-06/10:29 PM Reply
thanks =]
[6] nypoet22 24-Sep-06/6:35 PM Reply
love, from above? i know you're constrained by the sonnet form, but if i were you i'd scrap the last two lines and write something completely different. it almost sounds as if you just ran out of things to say and regressed to the least common denominator. push yourself!