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Her Eyes (Sonnet) by Fayt

To the beauty that has been harnessed in your eyes, I write this ode to you. To their reflection of the stars of the night sky, To the coloring of their delicate brown hue. The grace contained within is nothing less than divine, They have made me realize god is real. Your eyes give off a unique radiant shine, No act of nature could craft the glow your eyes reveal. They proclaim your emotions for all to see, Shining forth with that same bright light. When your happy they sing in melody, Causing my passion to ignite. They have the ability to inspire love, That is a gift given only from above.

Ranger 30-Sep-06/6:06 AM
Sure. Find a solid structure for this - it's a sonnet; read some Shakespeare for the metre. For instance, 'unique radiant' doesn't work together very well. That may be down to accent differences I suppose (you're in the States, right?) but I'd be surprised if it was. In that passage, the stresses go 'u-NIQUE RA-diant' whereas classical Shakesperean sonnets were mostly (if not all) iambic pentameter which has a da-DUM da-DUM beat. That's not to say that all the words have to be bisyllabic, you can end one word on a weak ('da') ending and start the next on a strong ('DUM'). You'll also find that constraining yourself to a set metre will also help you find new words to use, and hopefully from there, a bit more inventiveness. 'I write this ode to you' is a good bit of iambic metre, although obviously not pentameter.

Definitely get rid of 'love/above' though.




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