Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	11-Oct-06/3:06 AM
here's an example: http://www.ahapoetry.com/ahalynx/213sym.html
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	11-Oct-06/2:55 AM
an actual renga, of which the above is really just a rough copy, is described by padgett's handbook of poetic forms as a long, image-filled poem, from which came the later forms of haiku and senryu. each stanza contains some sort of link to the one before it, but not to the one before that. unlike my poem, the old fashioned renga alternates stanzas of three lines and two. as far as i can tell it is not as strict about keeping syllabic meter, though from the ones i've seen the lines seem to stay pretty short. 36 stanzas is the most popular length, though in the past they frequently ranged in the hundreds. the opening stanza (hokku) should suggest a season and place (this is where haiku comes from, and often a renga opens with a haiku); subsequent verses may be either about the beauty of nature (like haiku) or the humor of humanity (like senryu). each stanza should be somehow linked to the stanza before it, but not to the stanza before that. the renga is supposed to kind-of jump around from theme to theme, and the image of each subsequent stanza may connect by parallel image, contrasting image, shift of focus to a different aspect of the same image, pun, play on words, same mood, contrasting mood, etc. the first 8 stanzas are described as a party's beginning, a somewhat formal introduction; the middle 20-ish are like the heart of the party where you loosen up a little; the last 6-8 are like the party's end, clearing things up and getting ready to go home. when done as a group, each poet adds a verse and passes it on to the next.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	10-Oct-06/4:20 PM
agreed, curios works perfectly as is, in sound and meaning.
Re: Timing by Dovina	10-Oct-06/4:15 PM
this is inspiring. i would have liked more sensory detail about the hypothetical life you pictured, but i love the end, it's of a real person, tough and hard and ultimately free. and when the mind is free, the rest is just a matter of time...
Re: a comment on weather poem part 2: to do list by nypoet22	10-Oct-06/4:06 PM
i'm not really sure, but further expanding would be a safe bet. then editing. then editing more. lather, rinse, repeat. i may or may not submit for publication whenever (if ever) i'm done.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	10-Oct-06/4:04 PM
this was solo, but i would absolutely love if some folks at poemranker would like to join me in constructing a traditional 36 stanza renga. volunteers?
Re: Valentine by zodiac	9-Oct-06/10:50 PM
i love the story, and the order in which you tell it. due to the nature of the scene i think you should consider losing some of the words with latin roots, in favor of more of the gutteral tongue. scared instead of alarmed, dodged instead of averted. the word Irish sounds weird in places. consider "mick" - though it's a semi-slur, the sound is so much firmer. also, it would add to the mood if you could shorten the sentences, pare every syllable you can. very enjoyable read.
Re: Flood Land, East Kentucky by zodiac	9-Oct-06/10:37 PM
nice use of hexameter. almost because of the old greek form, i'd look for this to be one of a series. i like the assertion of dialect straight from the first line. i can picture the scene.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	8-Oct-06/6:59 PM
yes, i can tell the speaker wants to find God outside the rush and clutter of modern life; is that what you want to know? let's assume for the moment that someone does want to read this argument and might gain some meaning from it. you want to understand the source of my frustration with this piece? ask and ye shall receive: stanza 1: yes, many people who misunderstand what science is think it explains why everything exists. who are some of these people specifically, and why should anyone care about them? stanza 2: apparently the speaker didn't much care about who those misguided science people were either, because we cut straight to the dialogue with God, sans transition. the half-truths, simplifying twists, and manner of striving lack specific examples. do any exist? stanza 3: it's unclear whether the speaker is part of the administration and rules over dullards, or whether dullards who rule are a description of an as-yet unnamed administration. is scientist supreme a person? a title of nobility? an ice cream flavor? stanza 4: did you really mean "undue" (adjective) or "undo" (verb)? that line specifically doesn't make much sense as is. what sort of pretense? what sort of praise? haste doing what sort of work? carpentry? web design? tax law? stanza 5: the article "an" sounds awkward. people give praise, not "a praise," regardless of the adjective in-between. regarding the wing, is this an angel's wing? a chicken wing? a wing of a building? stanza 6: first two lines would be excellent, but the dreamer or the dream? i think that one's been done before. stanza 7: please, please name me a specific curio? a clue? anything at all that might be specific to something? stanza 8: interesting. to be free from certainty (or from lack of doubt if you like the double-negative), is exactly the essence of science, and anathema to most forms of religion. this idea would connect wonderfully to the beginning of the poem, were there some bridge in-between. barring any evidence to the contrary, a scientist must always assume the null set. unfortunately, in the case of this poem, so must i.
Re: A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	8-Oct-06/10:22 AM
Most effective poetry i've seen has at least one of a few things: a sensory image, a thematic metaphor, a biting polemic or a clever play of sound and language. to my eye, this piece has as yet developed none of these. Look back for a moment at your racism poem, which contained all four of the above (and was successful in raising a litany of responses). Consider how you successfully did all these things in that poem, which you thus far haven't done in this one.
Re: Racism by Dovina	8-Oct-06/9:59 AM
all this furor about a little tiger and a stand-off in the street. this must read better than i thought... but i always score high for rabble-rousing. must be the rebel in me.
Re: A Poem For George Bush by Edna Sweetlove	8-Oct-06/9:49 AM
in truth i don't think this is a particularly good poem, but i do love the way you managed to raise the ire of everyone in shouting distance and expose hypocrisy wherever it might lie. that's an enviable talent, and it's on that accomplishment i'm grading you. i'm really not against war, perhaps not even against pre-emptive war under certain circumstances, but anyone with even a nursery school education should have been able to see the probable outcome of a hastily planned, domestically motivated, essentially unilateral iraq conflict.
Re: All I Can Hear Is A Rattle by colbaby	6-Oct-06/1:43 PM
first couplet ROCKS! the middle three don't go off nearly as smoothly though. ending picks up again, aided by internal rhyme as well as endrhyme. plus, social commentary clothed in vicarious self-effacement makes for an excellent closing idea. the dog under the truck and elevator that won't shut, although i understand the jokes, are just not very strong lines. edit, or maybe just eliminate those and pare the poem down to 3 stanzas to preserve the continuity? with this sort of poem, hit 'em quick and finish quick is often a good policy.
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	3-Oct-06/8:03 PM
i'll think on this. btw, i took another look at your poem about noah.
Re: a comment on Doubt by Dovina	3-Oct-06/7:53 PM
what did you intend here? i'm guessing you wanted to discuss the your own sense of doubt through noah's story. if that's the case, i'd suggest completely redoing the first stanza, which is far and away the weakest of the four. give your readers credit for possibly knowing the story of noah already, and use that space to form the question that the final three stanzas answer.
Re: Street Preacher by Dovina	3-Oct-06/7:38 PM
the heart of this poem is clever and insightful, but i think it needs a lot of work around the edges. the beginning and end read like what someone might teach in a creative writing class, while the middle, even though you're quoting someone else through most of it, feels by its cadence and arrangement like it truly contains your own voice. the last stanza to me seems unnecessary, trying to spell out details of an emotion that could easily be implied simply by reversing the order of "nailed and forgiven." likewise the first stanza weakens the poem, makes it prosaic by introducing the subject in a story format rather than just jumping right in and adding any necessary details of the setting within the body of the text.
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	3-Oct-06/6:58 PM
good eye. how would it read to you if i just eliminated the whole segment in-between "pinched in the eye" and the final stanza. it's sort-of an eyesore anyway (pardon the pun). right now that's the best idea i can come up with, but other ideas are welcome.
Re: a comment on Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day by nypoet22	3-Oct-06/6:52 PM
hm, that strophe does seem to be a weakness. i'll have to think about how i might begin to concoct a remedy.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	1-Oct-06/12:01 PM
thank you much for your kind and frequent comments. taking into account your comments and others, i've pared down one stanza and revised my line breaks to flow more with the ideas of the story; see what you think of this version. i did notice the double entendre about hell, but that was after i wrote it, not before.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 5: the cold dusk by nypoet22	1-Oct-06/11:50 AM
good point. i never really planned for it to be senryu format, the words just sort of fell into it by accident, i guess because i've been using 5-7-5 with some frequency of late. i like the cadence the way it is, but i'm going to change the line breaks. see if you think it makes a difference.