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Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day (Free verse) by nypoet22
"sometimes a lie is better than the truth even if you know it is a lie." __Weather Poem part 4: Cleaning Day__ Everyone mentions the weather. She was doing that dance that girls sometimes like to do, playing at indecision well after the decision had been made, as if it would make him like the outcome more if allowed to participate, hand-held down the path already paved as if his agreement could make it taste less like lemon peel pinched in the eye. "I still love you," she would say, her amber eyes staring off in some unknown direction. the day she told that blank lie was mild, with sunlight softly draped on each crest of the ocean.

Up the ladder: Amputation
Down the ladder: Sarah Hine's Cries

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5777
Posted: October 2, 2006 3:50 PM PDT; Last modified: October 3, 2006 8:41 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 | 2-Oct-06/4:00 PM | Reply
I like this down through "pinched in the eye." Then it loses momentum. Maybe lose "at her direction." And "was mild" is, well, mild. Otherwise good.
[n/a] nypoet22 @ 65.2.216.112 > Dovina | 3-Oct-06/6:58 PM | Reply
good eye. how would it read to you if i just eliminated the whole segment in-between "pinched in the eye" and the final stanza. it's sort-of an eyesore anyway (pardon the pun).

right now that's the best idea i can come up with, but other ideas are welcome.
[9] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > nypoet22 | 3-Oct-06/7:52 PM | Reply
Perhaps end it by saying what the lie was or at least some hint to make the poem personal and less all-encompassing.
[n/a] nypoet22 @ 65.2.216.112 > Dovina | 3-Oct-06/8:03 PM | Reply
i'll think on this. btw, i took another look at your poem about noah.
[9] Dovina @ 12.72.43.226 > Dovina | 4-Oct-06/9:28 AM | Reply
It's much stronger after the edit. I feel, now, that her leading him on is worse than lemon peel pinched in the eye, whereas before I wasn't sure. Something about making it perrsonal brings home the message.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 3-Oct-06/2:15 AM | Reply
Neat, very astute too. A bit awkward at 'that lemon was loaded' - Led Zeppelin connotations there take it in a different direction to what I think you mean. I doubt many other people will see it in the same way though.
[n/a] nypoet22 @ 65.2.216.112 > Ranger | 3-Oct-06/6:52 PM | Reply
hm, that strophe does seem to be a weakness. i'll have to think about how i might begin to concoct a remedy.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > nypoet22 | 4-Oct-06/3:52 PM | Reply
I prefer that part of the edit. Not sure whether I like the rest as much as the original though. I really thought the idea of her scouting her next boyfriend from your bed was a great passage.
[7] nentwined @ 68.232.253.122 | 4-Oct-06/6:14 PM | Reply
cute. liking this.
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