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My Secret (Free verse) by ThoughtfulSoul Your pretty blue eyes and pale skin
makes me want you.
Your soft voice and innocent look
makes me care for you.
Your dark hair and your unique body
makes me think about you.
I want to talk to you, but I can't because
fear has me by the neck and isn't letting go
anytime soon.
I know every moment I waste means someone might snatch you
up, but my paralyzing fear locks my words inside of me.
Courage is an idea that wasn't passed on to me and I know
nothing of it.
I know rejection isn't painful, but the idea of it is torture.
If I had the strength to tell you my feelings, I would tell you how much
I love you
Up the ladder:
Unless Redux
Down the ladder:
siily boo
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: November 4, 2003 12:15 PM PST; Last modified: November 4, 2003 12:15 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5797 Comments:
My Secret Person Torment Staying Sane Happy Kid "Turmoil Prelude to a Legend Legend Alone The Trail Confusion Rain Doesn't Seem to Stop Playing Games Bottom Can't See Black Heart Disbeliever Self Winged Beauty Blinded by Your Kiss Reality Day Dream The One I think About Existence"
If you put all of your titles together? It looks just like one of those signs that those Jesus freaks carry in the subways of New York. Facinating, truly fricken fascinating.
If two things (pretty blue eyes and pale skin) are causing the reaction, the proper verb would be "make", not "makes."
"Pretty blue eyes" is ho-hum, unimaginative and fundamentally undescriptive. You are telling, not letting the poem do the work that leads us to understand what it is about those eyes that is so special. Unique body? Again, a classification w/o an image. Sounds more like a customized car than a woman. Because I don't come inside the experience but only hear it described in mundane terms, this comes off as an uninteresting diary entry. 247 view(s)
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I wonder about the "unique body" . . . I'd typically crit for the simple descriptors (doesn't show much, tells alot) - but they fit with the simple emotional theme, so; fine.
This would easily make a very nice ghazal.