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My Secret (Free verse) by ThoughtfulSoul

Your pretty blue eyes and pale skin makes me want you. Your soft voice and innocent look makes me care for you. Your dark hair and your unique body makes me think about you. I want to talk to you, but I can't because fear has me by the neck and isn't letting go anytime soon. I know every moment I waste means someone might snatch you up, but my paralyzing fear locks my words inside of me. Courage is an idea that wasn't passed on to me and I know nothing of it. I know rejection isn't painful, but the idea of it is torture. If I had the strength to tell you my feelings, I would tell you how much I love you

asherman 27-Sep-04/9:01 AM
If two things (pretty blue eyes and pale skin) are causing the reaction, the proper verb would be "make", not "makes."
"Pretty blue eyes" is ho-hum, unimaginative and fundamentally undescriptive. You are telling, not letting the poem do the work that leads us to understand what it is about those eyes that is so special.
Unique body? Again, a classification w/o an image. Sounds more like a customized car than a woman.
Because I don't come inside the experience but only hear it described in mundane terms, this comes off as an uninteresting diary entry.




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