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A Scientistâs Prayer (Free verse) by Dovina Many work at science
Naming it as cause
Use some higher math
And cater to the boss
Free my lips from half-truth
And simplifying twists
While striving for Your essence
With hope for just a glimpse
Free me from administration
ruling dullards with the ax
Named as scientists supreme
Who serve another god
Uncloud my eye from rules
Free my hand from haste
Let anger undue pretense
And work left slack and rough
Let me neither rest
Nor take an undue praise
While error lurks uncovered
Unassaulted in the wing
You coyly hide in what You make
Coaxing doubt Youâre even there
So, let me fathom You a dream
Or Dreamer, as You wish
Curios and clues are You
Make me stubborn to the test
Let me seek the guiding laws
And find the Writerâs mind
Give me strength to question
Or know You without limit
Make me free from rules
And free from lack of doubt
Up the ladder:
eat your dinner meats
Down the ladder:
Honesty
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.75
Posted: October 7, 2006 12:29 PM PDT; Last modified: October 7, 2006 12:29 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.970199 Overall Rank: 8482 Comments:
Most effective poetry i've seen has at least one of a few things: a sensory image, a thematic metaphor, a biting polemic or a clever play of sound and language. to my eye, this piece has as yet developed none of these. Look back for a moment at your racism poem, which contained all four of the above (and was successful in raising a litany of responses). Consider how you successfully did all these things in that poem, which you thus far haven't done in this one.
My purpose here is to write without sensory image, lacking thematic metaphor, and devoid of biting polemic or clever play of sound. My purpose, therefore, is to bore you. Having been duly bored and insulted, would you kindly go back and see if these lines make any sense.
yes, i can tell the speaker wants to find God outside the rush and clutter of modern life; is that what you want to know? let's assume for the moment that someone does want to read this argument and might gain some meaning from it. you want to understand the source of my frustration with this piece? ask and ye shall receive:
stanza 1: yes, many people who misunderstand what science is think it explains why everything exists. who are some of these people specifically, and why should anyone care about them? stanza 2: apparently the speaker didn't much care about who those misguided science people were either, because we cut straight to the dialogue with God, sans transition. the half-truths, simplifying twists, and manner of striving lack specific examples. do any exist? stanza 3: it's unclear whether the speaker is part of the administration and rules over dullards, or whether dullards who rule are a description of an as-yet unnamed administration. is scientist supreme a person? a title of nobility? an ice cream flavor? stanza 4: did you really mean "undue" (adjective) or "undo" (verb)? that line specifically doesn't make much sense as is. what sort of pretense? what sort of praise? haste doing what sort of work? carpentry? web design? tax law? stanza 5: the article "an" sounds awkward. people give praise, not "a praise," regardless of the adjective in-between. regarding the wing, is this an angel's wing? a chicken wing? a wing of a building? stanza 6: first two lines would be excellent, but the dreamer or the dream? i think that one's been done before. stanza 7: please, please name me a specific curio? a clue? anything at all that might be specific to something? stanza 8: interesting. to be free from certainty (or from lack of doubt if you like the double-negative), is exactly the essence of science, and anathema to most forms of religion. this idea would connect wonderfully to the beginning of the poem, were there some bridge in-between. barring any evidence to the contrary, a scientist must always assume the null set. unfortunately, in the case of this poem, so must i.
Thanks for taking the time.
D... this piece could do with some editing. Sorry for no vote as I need to read this well. Don't know when I'll get the time for that. I've just scanned through and thought it needed fixing. Am having a whale of a time in the gulf. Terribly hot though... but it's fun. Will try to check in when I can.
Would you like my 02?
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I don't know where ALChemy is. Probably chasing his Muse, or maybe just working too hard at night.