Re: A Sexy Crucifixion Poem by Edna Sweetlove	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	14-May-06/8:18 AM
What, no rimjob? Ps. There is no loincloth. He's not Tarzan.
Re: George and Samson by Edna Sweetlove	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	14-May-06/7:59 AM
It looses it's humor because you take the surprise out of the punchline. Try an approach that is more like this: Imagine my surprise, imagine my dread. A little voice whispers at the foot of my bed. "While ol' Edna's asleep-" the little voice said "-I'll give you some beak, hurry up, go ahead put it in my tail feather, oh lord it's so large" Only now did I realize that the voice was George. George my pet parrakeet and Samson his cagemate like to jailbirds in heat buttfucking in their cage Imagine my shock Imagine my rage two gaybirds are in my bedroom engaged in such an unholy screw. Well, I was irated. So I did what any good Christain would do, I watched them and masturbated.
Re: youth in asia by suckmychucks	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.80.221	14-May-06/3:06 AM
Unfunny. Unclever. And it's not a limerick. Dreadful in short.
Re: My Barber Cut My Hair Too Long by D. $ Fontera	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.80.221	14-May-06/3:05 AM
Random thoughts from a creative mind. But not much good.
Re: Rock Bottom by dana071287	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.80.221	14-May-06/3:02 AM
Not excatly what you'd call either original or clever.
Re: The Ballad of Fraser Allonby Q.C., Barrister-At-Law by wFraser Allonby Q.C.w	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.67.200	14-May-06/2:56 AM
OK I suppose. The final word of the last line of the penultimate stanza would be funnier if it were "bitches".
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.67.200	14-May-06/2:55 AM
Too long and drawn out. I got bored by the 4th or 5th stanza. A couple of decent jokes in it though.
Re: AIDS in a van by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.67.200	14-May-06/2:53 AM
About as funny as 9/11. But less original.
Re: Im different so what? by xblackstarsx	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.67.200	14-May-06/2:52 AM
I assume this is intended to be illiterate childish rubbish in which case it succeeds. So 10/10 for beng worthless and puerile; 0/10 for anything else.
Re: sick and demented by sk8boardandpoems	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.67.200	14-May-06/2:50 AM
Illiterate and badly written garbage.
Re: George and Samson by Edna Sweetlove	Edna Sweetlove 81.179.67.200	14-May-06/2:46 AM
Parrots have their feelings too!
Re: Drowning by Enkidu	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	13-May-06/1:48 PM
I too find love can be like drowning. On a side note, here's the most famous drowning poem I know: Not Waving But Drowning Nobody heard him, the dead man, But still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning. Poor chap, he always loved larking And now he's dead It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way, They said. Oh, no no no, it was too cold always (Still the dead one lay moaning) I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning. -Stevie Smith
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	13-May-06/1:35 PM
Hi Amanda. Tell us a story about this little girl with Down's Syndrome making a difference. Show us what the weakest of the weak can do.
Re: a comment on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-May-06/10:46 AM
Yeah, it's not very clear at the moment. I think I'll fix reference with the apples and go back to the tried-and-tested fairytale style and be a bit more direct. I've put too much stock in puns recently. Too much to make for effecive poetry, anyway.
Re: A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	13-May-06/6:30 AM
Not your best. It's like a post card for the blind, like beauty that's just skin deep. It seems to give me nothing more than a pretty picture which I guess based on your title is what you were intending. I just know you are usually much deeper than that and those are the ones I prefer. But that's really just a matter of my own taste in poetry so take it with a grain of salt.
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	ALChemy 71.75.176.68	13-May-06/6:17 AM
Sounds like you're trying to show the love affair that addicts have with drugs. My problem is that you can't really tell who's doing the talking and who they are talking to. I guess maybe some solid points of reference to anchor the poem would help the reader to follow you. Right now it seems to be almost entirely metaphor.
Re: Return to Marrakech by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-May-06/5:06 AM
Looking decent on first view; the football's about to start though so I won't stay long. Will return later to read it more thoroughly and maybe pick up some inspiration. Lord knows I need it at the moment.
Re: a comment on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-May-06/4:23 AM
Neat links. I intended that this be a little surreal (it's about drugs, after all) whilst retaining a fairly clear story to follow. On the surface it's about someone getting paranoid and overdosing; the second, less complete layer relates to the 'Cupid' part of the title. I don't know how much people can see into this though; so far I've written what I wanted to say but I'm not sure where to go next with it, or how to make it clearer. It's pretty frustrating, really. Temporally is partly a play on temporarily, but also because the tenses in here are all over the place. It starts in the present, finishes in the past, and has an odd conditional junction in the middle. The leap from conditional to past really doesn't scan, but there again: I don't quite know what to do with it. How are the rhymes sounding in this one?
Re: a comment on Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	Caducus 86.143.108.103	13-May-06/3:31 AM
GW has sent that same comment to dozens of poems - or if not her then a hacker or prawne.
Re: a comment on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	Caducus 86.143.108.103	13-May-06/3:30 AM
I love it when you get helpful AND nasty - thanks for the help and the laugh.