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sick and demented (Free verse) by sk8boardandpoems
The smell of the room brings chills to my body. knowing that i could of prevented it kills me inside. Why was i so selfish? you could still be here with me if i had only come when i first suspected something. its al my fault! but i knew about it and did nothing. the way it was done is so brutal with great patience and perfection! OH GOD why am i complimenting his work? am i so shallow as to compliment a murder? His work..ha..i should say my work! i did it! i did it with perfection and patience! why. ...how could i do such a thing? I tricked you into believing i was good. I could never be good not even if i tried! You poor thing you were helpless. As i did this evil thing i laughed about it! i mocked you... help me help me somebody, i mocked! I teased you about it i made fun of you. Now im the one that should be getting made fun of! Why did i get like this? You never saw it coming did you? I feel so bad. I took advantage of her..I killed her! But how? Oh thats right, she got me angry so i killed HER! But thats no reason to kill her, IM SO EVIL! how do i change back and become good again? who cares, that BITCH got me angry and now shes DEAD! I think i will go get something to eat..killing someone really takes the energy out of you! I'll come back and go to sleep. WAIT thats even more selfish! Theres nothing in this room but a dead body,me, and a knife! I think i will examine the murder weapon! Ahhh i see blood then i see shiny silver! I want the whole thng to be red so i will stick it in me right now!...........Ok its in my arm! No pain! Am i human or am i pure evil and cant feel any pain? I wil try another spot...How about my HEART!?

Up the ladder: Preacher Man
Down the ladder: The Lady

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.409091
Weighted score: 3.4377053
Overall Rank: 13613
Posted: February 25, 2003 1:12 PM PST; Last modified: February 25, 2003 1:12 PM PST
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Comments:
[6] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 24.209.19.37 | 25-Feb-03/6:58 PM | Reply
You managed to entrall my attention till the end with a tedious and unrefined grasp till the part about "examine the murder weapon". Then you derailed me back to not caring about your outcome. Your beginning could use work as well. -6-
[0] razorgrin @ 192.197.141.39 > thepinkbunnyofdoom | 26-Feb-03/9:57 AM | Reply
I agree, pinkbunny, maybe the middle could use some refining too.
[n/a] sk8boardandpoems @ 24.167.109.182 > razorgrin | 26-Feb-03/4:14 PM | Reply
Thanx i agree since i am a beginner i don not know that much but with some advice and pointers from you people i can fix my mistakes and work on it! Thanx
[0] Jeremi @ 68.14.26.239 | 26-Feb-03/5:19 PM | Reply
I know it's you, Dark Angel. It's obvious.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.212.215 > Jeremi | 26-Feb-03/5:41 PM | Reply
The -=Dark_Angel=- 5 Part Guarantee states that -=Dark_Angel=- has never used and will not in the future log in under a name other than "-=Dark_Angel=-" and HTML modifications thereof.
[n/a] Hadasl @ 85.250.14.211 | 2-Oct-05/12:55 PM | Reply
It's good but for the beginning, middle and end.
[n/a] Sisterwolf @ 207.69.137.41 | 28-Dec-05/11:27 AM | Reply
I commited the same sin with punctuation - so this advise comes from experience. This is a wad of chewing tobacco that will choke the reader right into leaving.
note - could of/NO - could HAVE/yes
use caps for pronoun I -
proofread for spelling and punctuation, as well as grammar. If you are new to poetry, please do not bristle at critiques - as I have a keen tendency to do.
I assure you my remarks come from an Editor's standpoint and the desire to help young people use
the English language.
[0] Glasseyez @ 204.49.132.59 | 9-Feb-06/8:42 PM | Reply
Stick to skating
[0] Edna Sweetlove @ 81.179.67.200 | 14-May-06/2:50 AM | Reply
Illiterate and badly written garbage.
[0] Edna Sweetlove @ 81.178.225.223 | 24-May-06/3:49 PM | Reply
10/10 for muck; 0/10 for merit.
[1] Sing4Jesus! @ 85.210.255.126 | 1-Oct-06/6:40 PM | Reply
God will curse U 4 this!
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