Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	12-May-06/2:52 PM
huh... maybe it is fitting that the structure is set up like it is: fairly lucid, then almost frenetic and disjointed, until a rather slow "crash" to a more lucid state. ever listen to skinny puppy? go read some of their lyrics... there's a trip for ya: http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-addiction-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-last-call-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-spasmolytic-lyrics.html http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-worlock-lyrics.html much of their stuff doesn't seem to make sense, and other stuff is all dubbed clips. and it all seems much better heard than it does read. anyway... hey, i caught your trademark leaf image... i also like the title bit: "temporally uncertain" . a play on "temporarily uncertain"? so i'm gonna vote a 7 for now; i know you mean to tighten this up. it will be very interesting to read as it develops.
Re: a comment on My Prayer by dana071287	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/12:36 PM
I wouldn't worry too much about the syllable count, to be honest. It's more important that you get the rhythm right by working out syllable stress - the easy way to figure this out is to see if a reading of your poem requires you to pronounce a word differently to normal. Also, I wasn't sure whether or not to say earlier, but don't force the words into the rhythm. 'I want a heart that is new' feels like the sentence has been strung out to fit the rhythm. The best way to get round this is to enjamb the lines. Good luck with your writing - this site is an excellent place for learning to both read and write poetry. Actually, that's the other thing I should say - developing skills at reading poetry is vital for writing. Poemranker offers the chance to do both.
Re: a comment on You can go no further. by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	12-May-06/12:31 PM
Thanks Amanda. I’ve become discouraged with poemranker lately, and have not posted as regularly as I did. That’s not your or Ranger’s fault. Especially Ranger; he’s been there commenting on almost every poem. But the other regulars are mostly gone. Maybe I should just trudge ahead anyway. I keep writing poems, but just hold onto them, hoping for change.
Re: a comment on My Prayer by dana071287	dana071287 68.21.149.240	12-May-06/12:27 PM
hey, thanks for the comments. I'll take a look and maybe work on some of the rhymes that I have in the poem. I'd also just like to point out that with the poem, I was also counting syllables, every line has 7, so that was a point of struggle I had in writing the poem. But thanks again for your criticism...much appreciated
Re: a comment on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	12-May-06/12:25 PM
I got from the title that two junkies are involved, and the last line shows it. It's the jumble in between I don't get. Sorry, it's probably just me.
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	12-May-06/12:20 PM
A very interesting piece, quite to my liking. Dovina, I really admire the way you have your poems ready, one after the other, and am sorry to say that I haven't given much of them their due credit. Wish I had more time. Am awfully busy. Shifting next week. I read this a couple of days ago and reminded my self to come back to it. I like it.
Re: a comment on A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/12:15 PM
If you're conveying mood in this, do it with solid images - maybe the curve of the porpoises being like a smile, or something similar. The beauty of this piece is that it's one of those 'show' poems, rather than a 'tell' poem, and that always earns bonus points. R.E. using 'the' - specificity works well here, it's just when reading aloud the repetition is very noticeable and so draws attention away from the rest of the piece. You can replace 'the' with, maybe, and adjective and still retain the directness in my view. However, it'd be worth seeing how other people read this; they might say the complete opposite to me.
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	12-May-06/12:13 PM
Ranger, I need to read this more clearly during the day. It's 00:40 hrs now and I'm quite tired. Sorry for no vote now. I did read it, and it looks interesting, but am unable to be specific right now.
Re: a comment on A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	12-May-06/12:10 PM
Thanks Ranger. This is faster than I expected. And the porpoises, well, it was their mood that I took note of. Maybe I should have given more thought to what they looked like. Thanks for the suggestion. As for the use of 'the', I was merely being specific of what I took into account. Not just writing on anything at all. Well, this is just my opinion. Shall try to see how 'the' can be deleted, and where. Thanks Ranger.
Re: a comment on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/12:03 PM
It's a pretty awkward draft at the moment...the language and tense structure is awful but I'm curious as to what people think of it in this form. The title gives it away, or at least is supposed to.
Re: Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	12-May-06/12:00 PM
You've stumped me with this one. The first thre lines are nice, then I'm lost. Will come back later. Token vote, as you say, to start the comment counter.
Re: A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/11:59 AM
Nice - fewer uses of 'the' would have been nice, it makes it seem a little disjointed at the moment. Also...I'd love a bit more in the way of description of the porpoises; I'm on the verge of actually seeing this snapshot, but it's just agonisingly out of my grasp... Easily 8, probably 9 with an edit.
Re: a comment on To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	12-May-06/11:50 AM
Hi Al. It's good to see you back. We missed you on PR. And thanks for the applause and the ten. Am glad to see it makes a difference atleast to one soul. Am now praying for some inspiration on what to write for a little girl who's suffering from Down's syndrome, but was also affected by partial paralysis since the age of three months. She can neither sit nor stand, and has to be attended upon for everything. I believe she lives in the U.S. and will turn five yrs this 26th (May).
Re: The Man with the Fiberglass Head by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/11:49 AM
Ever heard that Kinks song, 'Plastic Man'? This put me in mind of it. Great poem.
Re: My Prayer by dana071287	Dovina 70.38.78.229	12-May-06/9:28 AM
I think God listens to this kind of gushing, but I can't imagine Him doing anything about it. Too sentimental, too little desire for real change.
Re: a comment on You can go no further. by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:39 AM
Well, as I say, I haven't read even half of your stuff on here. Even so, this is one of the best of those which I have read. I understand about the masterpieces being unrecognised though...my turncoat poem was supposed to be my seminal work, which I will never better, but it didn't meet with the same attitude. But then, that's what public reading is for.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:34 AM
This is fantastic; a great way of bringing a message across, and the message itself is well thought-out. The only problem I found is the rhyme of 'hearth' and 'earth' - I don't know how you pronounce it, but for me 'hearth' sounds like 'harth'. Not enough to diminish my enthusiasm for the poem though.
Re: a comment on Are life after death by freakything	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:24 AM
Token vote to get the comments showing on the counter.
Re: Are life after death by freakything	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:20 AM
'Our life after death', unless you're attempting a pun there, which even if you are is pretty tortured grammatically. Be more inventive with your rhymes. If you look through any amount of poetry on the internet you will find every single rhyme in here used approximately a million times. Doing what's been done that much before is an instant turn-off for the reader. Check a rhyming dictionary if you're struggling for ideas. General tip for anyone posting 4 poems in one go: leave some comments on other peoples' works, or you'll find very few people commenting on yours.
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	Roisin 194.70.52.62	12-May-06/5:17 AM
Here it is...the long awaited comment. Sorry I've been a bit lazy recently! I read this through a couple of time and really enjoyed it. At first I wasn't sure what you were getting at and then I thought about the title and the idea of 'cagie''lightening' and allowed the pace to sweep me along and a picture emerged. Clever and makes you feel slightly dizzy to read which captures the feeling of an encompassing shyness and paranoia.