Re: My Prayer by dana071287	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:13 AM
Devotional poems are difficult to write. They're like love poems except that they won't get someone into bed with you. Therefore, if they're for public reading, they have to be superb. A good start would be making it not your prayer. If it's for public reading, the reader is going to want to be able to include theirself in the reading. Usually that means following the golden rule of poetry: 'Show, don't tell'. It also means following the second golden rule of poetry: 'Never rhyme "love/above/dove" in anything'. Seriously. You will not find a more overused rhyme in the English language, and readers want innovation, not more of the same. Using the 'love/above' rhyme twice in one poem is bordering on being a criminal offence. General points over, now to the poem itself. Well firstly it's fairly obvious that this is something you're pretty passionate about: that is a good start. However, the content doesn't live up to this. For one thing, you use 'I' 8 times, 'me' 5 times, and 'my' 5 times in 20 lines (that's assuming I counted right; not a certainty). That isn't conducive to letting the reader give it their own 'personal' reading. Cut down on pronoun usage in poetry as much as possible, otherwise not only does it limit the reader, but it also gets repetitive. I have to admit that I didn't work out the rhyme scheme at first (rhymes aren't my strong point) but on a second reading I saw the reversal and symmetry; that was good, although it would have been better with more variety in the middle - 'new' and 'renew' suggests you were struggling a little. Also, 'I want a heart that is new' doesn't really sound very poetic. To make it more interesting you could go along the lines of 'I seek a heart [do you really want a new heart though?] renewed' (I know you've already used 'renew', but I don't want to tell you which words to write). Umm...I can't really think of much at the moment so I'll leave it there rather than risk getting something spectacularly wrong and making an arse of myself. Welcome to poemranker, and I hope these suggestions are useful.
Re: a comment on You can go no further. by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	11-May-06/4:34 PM
Oh, we just can't get along without you, wilco. Please come back. And bring only the good guys with you.
Re: a comment on You can go no further. by Dovina	Dovina 70.38.78.229	11-May-06/4:32 PM
I am almost always amazed when someone says that a poem is my best, or one of my best. Not that I mind hearing it, but it’s usually something I threw together. My masterpieces seem to languor in everyone’s mind but mine. Still, thanks for the comment. Zeno’s arrow is an interesting comparison. That paradox is about motion being really rest, while mine is about infinite distance being really finite. Mine is based on the perception of distance from a viewpoint near the ground. In both Zeno’s arrow and my road, the paradox can be eliminated from a more encompassing point of view. I was trying to get at the idea of narrowly defined geometry and how a science of distance can stem from an observer’s false common sense. I hope the ridiculousness of the narrator’s conclusions can also be seen pointing to other false conclusions drawn from wrong points of view. Thanks for your comment.
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	wilco 24.92.74.122	11-May-06/4:01 PM
What's this about the demise of the Ranker? I know I've been away, but that's no reason to close up shop ;)
Re: Invasion by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:49 PM
It works better with the edit, but 'irritation' still jars...
Re: a comment on Invasion by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:46 PM
And maybe a vote and comment too? :-p
Re: The Observatory by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:44 PM
This is good, thoughtful and plenty of alliteration.
Re: Last Night by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:31 PM
The last two stanzas are more effective than the first two. They put a solid picture down rather than more abstract pain and anger. I'd get rid of 'pent up anger', it's somewhat trite. If it were my poem, I'd put 'she sat/With something rising angrily through crimson slits', although even that's somewhat cliched. Similarly with the first line of stanza 2 - I get what you're saying (that physical pain is a more bearable distraction from emotional, I think) and it's phrased well. But I just don't really take anything from it. I do, however, think you should keep 'an evaporation...condenses on her body'. That line is excellent and says everything you want. Does that make any sense?
Re: a comment on Invasion by Roisin	Roisin 194.70.52.62	11-May-06/7:54 AM
Ahh, another philosopher! Excellent! I shall read your work with interest.
Re: a comment on Invasion by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/7:03 AM
P.S. - about the philosophy degree: snap!
Re: a comment on Invasion by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/7:02 AM
It's so often the case that the 'easy' passages are the most difficult to interpret. I know I've found it to work that way recently. I look forward to the revision of this!
Re: a comment on Sun (Pantoum) by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/6:58 AM
Any time! Being able to give relevant crits to other peoples' works is important to me - I've been learning by seeing what comments ALChemy gives to poems here; he is particularly good at spotting meanings in poetry. Same applies to ecargo. It's funny how poemranker is just as good at improving reading of poetry as it is at improving writing. Personally I love puns and other wordplay - it's often the case that puns get included unintentionally, but are vital to the reading of a text. I wish that more people would comment on your poems though...it'd be interesting to compare readings of them. Always glad to be of some use :-D
Re: a comment on Invasion by Roisin	Roisin 194.70.52.62	11-May-06/6:27 AM
Thanks for your advice. I am glad you understood the 'contradiction' part, I hadn't thought it was that hard to see! I shall take your comments into consideration when I redraft. Cheers!
Re: a comment on Sun (Pantoum) by Sunny	Sunny 66.69.36.222	10-May-06/9:17 PM
Well thank you Ranger, your opinions/ critiques are always warmly welcomed by me. I was wondering what you would think of this one...a bit, well, risky when it came to the play on words. To be completely honest w/ you, I didn't know what I was trying to underlying say, but that's why I have you!! Alcohlic is actually right on & something w/ a personal connotation to myself, but not me personally. See, my uncle committed suicide several years ago, & he was a severe alcoholic (he knew he was dying you see), & he would start the drinking evernight whenever the early evening would settle it's way in, if you will. Awww. The sun, bring about the evening when it rolls, brings about the dirt, or how he saw himself anyway...if he only knew. Thanks for "listening" in a sense, but YOU sparked what it was that I just couldn't quite put my finger on in this one; I just knew how I needed this one to be portrayed. I have a lot I feel I need to tell, blaming nature w/ personifications really because I respect it's beauty so much, I feel that it can defy the darkest of enemies, even if they are ourselves. Thanks for the little awakening going on here Ranger :) You've brought about a lot more depth for me to work with. ~Christin Note: I only read 1 definition for a Pantoum. There was nothing in there about lines for the last vs. being altered at all or any sort of rhyme scheme in the "examples". I'm sure there are different branches from the original. I'll have to research fully through. Thanks for the helpful info!!
Re: Drowning by Enkidu	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/2:01 PM
Well rhymed, the only problem I had with this was 'amorphous' - I'd never imagine such words to spring to mind while drowning. Of course, if you're really drowning I doubt you'd be speaking at all, let alone in poetic verse.
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/1:58 PM
Great! This is probably one of your best (although I can't claim to have read even half of the poems you've posted on here...most done while I was away and there's a lot for me to catch up on...) and I can't really think of anything intelligent to suggest. My brain's been fried by essays. Although, having spent some time dealing with Xeno's paradoxes I had this strange longing for some arrow imagery in here; it would fit with the angle and also with the idea of distance.
Re: Sun (Pantoum) by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/1:53 PM
Well, it doesn't quite match with the 'ranker definition of what a Pantoum should be like - I can't find a rhyme scheme in here (although to be fair I'm notoriously bad at spotting rhymes) and the second line in the final quatrain should (according to the definition) repeat the third line of the first quatrain. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if there are alternative pantoum forms. As far as description goes - super! I found it very innovative and the 'dirty' attitudes seem to suggest that for the most part you're writing about the sun when it's obscured by clouds - and therefore not 'pure', if you will. I should also say here that the language used drew up an image of an alcoholic, or someone equally fallen from grace. Obviously there's 'dirty girl', 'groan', 'bottled light', 'bloody face', 'brood' etc. and a bit of wordplay with reviver conjuring up 'reviler'. I could go on, but I think that reading is way off track. Another good one from you, keep them coming!
Re: Fake, Emo and Over Shaven by Blindpoetry	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/1:36 PM
Entertaining, not much more to be said about this one.
Re: a comment on For Thou by MacFrantic	MacFrantic 172.185.233.221	9-May-06/7:22 PM
'Thee' would assume I am talking directly to the person this is for, and not to myself. Example: 'For thou...in the trees." Also, I never used 'you' directly. I did, in fact, use 'you've' which works better for meter. Note: I used 'my', not 'mine' as well.
Re: Drowning by Enkidu	Bobjim 84.9.184.23	9-May-06/3:26 PM
This is a very good poem, though because of the subject, I can't help but think of it in comparison to the classic "Not waving, but drowning" by Stevie Smith. Considering that's one of my favourite poems of all time, yours stands up really well. You mention being afraid your life would show, is this meant to indicate a guilty conscience? I noticed you saying you were too proud at the top. Did you know that drowning is a very peaceful way to die? By the time you're in danger of watching your life flash before your eyes, you're almost completely calm.