Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	9-May-06/2:24 PM
Oh, nice :-) Must have been the geometry that makes your poem so alluring at this hour. Don't you think it might make the ending more poignant if you were to change the negative last line to a positive one - something like "whether or not you could go any further"? The comparison would strengthen the message.
Re: For Thou by MacFrantic	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	9-May-06/1:19 PM
Unless I'm mistaken, the title whould rightly be "For Thee". And why the archaic title, but the usage of mundane 'ýou' in the body of the poem? How anachronistic ;-)
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	9-May-06/11:12 AM
He enjoys babble. It doesn't have to be quasi.
Re: a comment on Awasa, Ethiopia by Beatriz Romero by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-May-06/8:45 AM
I was thinking about this piece overnight and (as I need a break from reading up on Derrida...damn essays) decided to return. When I read this last night I didn't see good and evil explicitly; I did, however, see the ideas of our struggles through life which is pretty much inextricably entwined with the concepts of good and evil. Therefore your purpose in the piece does present itself, although indirectly. Having said that, I did note the eerie connotations of teeth and fog which bolster the differences between the two notions. 'Sheet of mist' I found fairly effective for the idea of old age bringing a perceptual veil; and as I mentioned above, the first part of the poem has a very sharp 'birth' feel, whereas the end is strongly 'death' related. As such, I would suggest here that you could change the first line so that the poem reads in a circular manner. Perhaps start it as 'Colour-blind dreaming, so her focus...' This really is a circle of life poem, so making it circular would, I think, work very well. And of course it's enhanced by the idea of rainfall; hydrological cycle. Another thing that impressed me was that you stayed true to the stimulus material (a piece of artwork) by including so many geometrical terms. Peripheral, oblique, [en]compass[ed], flat, plain, straight etc. give a very mathematical (if you will) impression to the poem. This may imply that behind the layers lies the idea of a creator to the life/earth/time circles. I have to get back to essaying now, unfortunately, but I can guarantee I'll be back to this one. Maybe this evening if all goes well and I conquer that dreadful dark lord - laziness...
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-May-06/8:26 AM
I'd love to see zodiac back. Perhaps I should post some unenlightened quasi-philosophical babble to entice him back. Of course, what I mean by that is that he'll come back to set me right on the matter, not that he enjoys quasi-philosophical babble.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	9-May-06/8:23 AM
R.E. the Zeus passage; after a few reads (out loud, of course) I'm hoping it'll morph phonetically to resemble 'Iesous. Same applies to 'hue dash' ultimately becoming 'Ioudas. You outdid me with the tree research; although I wanted to bring up slightly gallows-y imagery with 'undead' but I can't honestly claim to have seen those meanings. Wish I had though...
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	ALChemy 71.75.178.15	9-May-06/7:15 AM
Thanks. Now if we only can get Zodiac frustrated enough with us to drop some wisdom on our ass we'll be back where we all belong. In a John Ford movie starring John Wayne called The Quiet Man, John Wayne and Victor McLaglen have one of the greates epic brawls ever shot on film. The fight moves all the way through town and is ingeniously paused at it's climax in front of a pub so that the two men can take a minute to down a mug of ale and then back to fighting they go while the whole town stands around them rooting them on. It's all presented in a very light hearted way and I think it's a perfect example of most of the debates I've had on this site. I'd debate with God'swife any day of the week but I'd also be more than happy to sit down and have a beer with her.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	9-May-06/7:06 AM
methinks the Zeus appearance is fairly appropriate. we are talking about Roman times, after all, so maybe a Jupiter reference would be better: "he, a Jove of nature" or something... not sure if it makes your phonetic work or not... but isn't there another biblical reference to Jove? also of interest, i found this definition of tree: [Archaic.] A gallows. The cross on which Jesus was crucified. was that intended? if so, mega points!
Re: a comment on Awasa, Ethiopia by Beatriz Romero by Sunny	Sunny 66.69.36.222	8-May-06/3:12 PM
Impressive once again Ranger!! The tree: the tree of life (this part is by no means obvious), the sky> "The Oz ceiling/ appeared to be quite encompassed/ with frustrations where the blanketed overcast/ lie flat on its back on the ebony horizon./ Other parts of the sky were showing/ their sheet of mist, with the sun gaping/ through it’s teeth," represents life, good vs. evil. Evil being "frustrations...overcast," "lie flat ON ITS BACK..." I chose this misty representation to lie on its back as a submissive position to the "...parts of the sky were showing...the sun gaping through its (evil's) teeth"> the good. our battle through life (i chose the sky to represent) of the good & the bad. "She is going to walk on this plain of sorts,...all the way straight into it’s very eternity:/ a procession that might go until the clock..." is ground, whatever your eyes might decipher it as, representing the eternities (aka - heaven, the afterlife, what you will..). You nailed it. Thank goodness someone will, ha ha... -Sunny
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:50 PM
'At least you pay attention'??? That sounded rather rude of me. Sorry, 'give attention' would have been closer to what I meant. Having been zapped by some 16-yr old on one of the MySpace poetry groups for having an attitude problem, I'm a bit paranoid about these things. Although thinking back to the way I spoke to poetandknowit in the early days here, it's a bit ironic how these things go in circles. What's stranger is that I actually miss the guy a bit. Poemranker was much more fun with a bit of controversy...
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:47 PM
You have this knack for raising points which never occurred to me. I swear poemranker isn't half as fun without you! Are you really looking for a god'swife award of condescension?
Re: A Gallery of Errors by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:36 PM
Well once again you have left me in bewilderment, but also baffled ecstasy. I happen to love nonsense (or apparently nonsensical) poems, particularly when the language is as cool as in here. Lear was one of my childhood idols.
Re: FM.PM by oneglove	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:31 PM
I'm not sure where you're going with the rhyme scheme in this. That is to say, there are lots of '-ight' rhymes at irregular intervals but seemingly nothing else to carry the rhythm. You start with a solid rhyme structure in the first verse but then ditch it straight afterwards. That being said, of course, on the basis that I don't know what this sounds like when put to music. I know this isn't your fault, but 'You're beautiful, you're beautiful' makes me think of that awful James Blunt song. What possessed him to release it is beyond me, honestly.
Re: Awasa, Ethiopia by Beatriz Romero by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:10 PM
Well now. This definitely needs the reader to see the picture first, I'd say. I'll give it a 'first impressions' post this evening and return to it tomorrow in order to pick up what I miss tonight. First things first - great description. A couple of grammatical nitpicks: line 14 'its' and line 17 'its' again. Unless you're playing some grammatical tricks there that I haven't yet picked up, I think they need correcting. Also: 'haled' jarred somewhat. I think you're using it in the archaic sense for the climbing (I don't believe it's current meaning would work grammatically there, but again, I'll return to look more closely tomorrow) which goes against the otherwise very contemporary feel to the piece. Right, meanings. I don't know the translation of 'Awasa', but it immediately made me think of a Steve Tilston song, 'Awasazi (Waterhole)' so my immediate assumption was that it was about either a waterhole, or about rain - particularly given the context of the picture. At least, directly about water in some sense. Underlying meanings? Well there are plenty which I think could be applied in some form to this, although curently most are fragmentary. It seems like a 'life' poem, foetus-birth-first couple of days of life-childhood. That's what I'm inclined at the moment to say this poem's about (it fits with every stanza). Having said that, though, the picture is very ghostly and ethereal. This poem could equally be about death though, maybe starting the afterlife, particularly the ending of the poem. Interestingly enough, I also read the first part of it as describing a raindrop falling to earth, either hitting a tree or being consumed by the tree, then being evaporated to continue the cycle. Well, they're the first thoughts. With any luck you'll get a more complete commentary from me tomorrow :-D Oh, before I forget - 'clock runs dry' = excellent image of an eggtimer with the sand, very fitting for the piece.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Sunny 65.118.48.2	8-May-06/12:19 PM
My apologies for my own unintelligence & lack of foresight. You may not be able to see this, but I gave you an 8; as I read & continue to reread, I realized my first critique was written premature, out of just plain stupidity. Slightly embarrassed, but thought it was quite the brilliant piece, ~Sunny -I hope we continue to critique one another; I find your critiques very insightful & intelligent. I promise to do 'my research' on my next critique :)
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 71.75.178.15	7-May-06/5:56 PM
Very beautiful. Better than mine, me thinks. Good news: Her parents seem to have patched things up, at least for the time being. I keep my fingers crossed for her. I surely must post something soon in the hopes of winning the much coveted plaque of disgust from our ever insistent Mrs. Jehovah.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	ALChemy 71.75.178.15	7-May-06/5:32 PM
The problem I have with the Gospel of Judas is that it borders on assisted suicide. He might as well have said to Judas "Take this spear and kill me and don't worry about damnation because I must die. Although he might have foreseen and even allowed his own death to happen, I find it hypocritical for Jesus to actually be an instigator of his own death.
Re: a comment on THE HOLY NATURE by Daman	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-May-06/5:00 PM
Oh, R.E. 'plight' - I think you might mean 'pledge'.
Re: THE HOLY NATURE by Daman	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-May-06/4:59 PM
Welcome to poemranker! I've got to agree with Niphredil here. To find if the grammar is strained (and it is here, I'm afraid) write the piece out as prose. If it doesn't make sense, write it so it does, and then, if you still want to keep the rhymes, enjamb the lines where necessary. If you want to read a master of subtle rhymes on here, try out some of zodiac's stuff. I'm harping on about his poetry quite a lot at the moment but it really is worth reading and learning from. As Niph says, edit and repost...but if you want comments then I'd advise that you give out plenty yourself first. Generally speaking, commenting on other peoples' works is the best way of bringing yourself to their attention. And, of course, poemranker needs more participation at the moment.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-May-06/4:50 PM
Yep, I thought you'd get this one straight off - very topical really! It doesn't matter that you had an advantage, at least you pay attention to what gets said - always a good thing. The undead bit is a fairly direct reference to zodiac's poem - the bit where he talks about Lazarus (who is the most symbolic character in this poem, I think) and yes, very unnatural and creepy - but then, so is ressurection. Zeus, well, that bit runs deeper. 'He, a Zeus' was designed to do a lot of phonetic work when played with a bit; the same applies to 'hue dash'. I don't expect them to be directly picked up on as the direct references, but after a few reads I'd hope that the sounds would start to seem...familiar. And Zeus himself links the divine with the natural through a fairly lengthy chain of connotations, but that wasn't the primary use. You're right that Judas says nothing in this, but I was pretty torn as to whether it should be called a monologue (which to me always seemed a little more 'soapbox-y' than this, which could potentially be expanded to include Judas speaking). As for my attitudes toward Judas, well I'll tell you all that later. I don't think either of us have the time for theology these days, maybe after all the academia ;-D As always it's great to hear from you - hope things are going well!