Re: a comment on Send The Devil... by horus8	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-May-06/4:35 PM
Duuuuuuuuude! You back for good?
Re: Before Dinner by D. $ Fontera	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	7-May-06/2:20 PM
Very nice, tres kinky :-) Although on the first read, I felt that 'bone' and 'fingers' were reminiscent of a skeleton. Not sexy! BTW, "mortar", not "morter".
Re: THE HOLY NATURE by Daman	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	7-May-06/2:17 PM
All the spelling is excellent. You'd pass a spelling checker. You should, however, fix your grammar and use of words. I'm assuming that you're not a native English speaker and therefore will point out the main lines that should be fixed: Line 1: Nature's lap - not 'the nature'. Line 4: "The nature did plight" - meaningless. Line 7: Solitaire is a card game. You mean solitary. Line 8: "Nightingale's" Line 17: "grief", not "grieve". Most of your lines are written Yoda-style, for instance: "the feeling of joy I wondered how could nature in me create." "all my tensions in got soaked" and others. I understand that you were trying to rhyme, but rhyming should never come at the expense of clarity and correctness. Edit and post again, if you want comments.
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	7-May-06/1:49 PM
I've got to admit that I figured out the concept of the poem by myself. Yay me! I did, however, had the unfair advantage of knowing what the theme was in advance :-) so I guess it doesn't count after all.. Now, the commentary: The entire poem seems to me to portray Judas favorably on all fronts. It's not Jesus who describes Judas as a caterpillar - soon to blossom into a butterfly - it's the narrator. He's referred to as 'Glorious' in the title. He'll be 'adored'. There isn't a single thing to indicate criticism, so that would be my bet. However, two disturbing references: You've got to admit that "undead tree" is creepy if you're relating to Jesus. I mean, okay, he's not dead, but why 'undead'? Bring on the zombie associations... ;-) Another thing that jarred on me is the reference to Zeus. Last time I checked, he was an extremely pagan god. I've got to wonder, why are you bringing him up at all in this religiously-themed piece? I can't imagine it was by accident... you put too much attention into underlying meaning and detail. Nitpick: It ain't a fictional dialogue between Jesus and Judas, as you said. If anything, it's a monologue in which Jesus tries to convince the silent Judas into betraying him. If Judas actually says anything, I can't see it. You get an 8 on this one for beautiful language, as ever. Didn't really identify deeply with the theme, though, as might have been expected :-)
Re: Send The Devil... by horus8	Bill Z Bub 70.29.75.165	7-May-06/11:22 AM
You're still here? Awesome. I missed this place... alienboy aka bill z bub
Re: A mans obligation by kliq	MacFrantic 172.191.43.203	6-May-06/9:34 PM
If you had spelled two correctly, this would be brilliant. *8*
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-May-06/12:35 PM
I did wonder whether you'd dislike this poem, knowing that you are a Plath fan and a Shakespeare disliker, as you've said to me before. I'm the opposite; I can't stand Plath (in fairness I have always been horribly biased against her since first reading that awful snowsuit story years ago, but what little else I dared to read since then did nothing to sway my opinion), whereas I love a gripping yarn of olde. Now, there is a purpose to me saying that; namely that I tried to write this with the intention that even someone who wasn't enamoured of religious or oldey-worldey literature could enjoy it, it's clear that I now have some work to do to remedy its shortcomings. Anyway, I'll stop there. I know this sounds colossally defensive; it's not meant to - my purpose in this is to find out how I can change the style of my writing to become more readable to a wider audience. The way I've wanted my poetry to go recently clearly hasn't worked...time to go back to basics, methinks. Thanks again for taking the time to read and write your thoughts, they can only help me improve.
Re: a comment on Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-May-06/12:35 PM
Well first off, thank you for the spending the time on this, I know all too well how long these things take. Now let's see what kind of a response I can come up with. Let's start with the punctuation. It's something which I'm working on in poetic writing - I'm actually more of a storywriter outside of poemranker so I find punctuation and grammar in prose easy enough. I don't, however, always appreciate it being used in the same way in poetry and in the past I've preferred to let the line breaks do much of the work. I do see your point though, and will adjust accordingly in future. I'm not sure about the first stanza being fragmentary though...how so? I know it requires the reader to do a bit of interpretation but then again, that's what I aim for in poetry. I'll return to that later though. Same again with the choppy style. The surface poem is meant to be just a description of Jesus talking to Judas. The 'meaning' (what I'm 'getting at') of the poem is hidden beneath the surface though. Seriously, every line, every word was selected here and although I don't pretend to think that I've got it perfect I do think that I arrived precisely where I meant to arrive. To be honest though, I get the impression that you struggled with the same thing on your last post - you said that a lot of people had misinterpreted it and missed the point entirely. I gave a similar reading to that poem as I did to this one while I was writing it. This poem is about rebirth. To put it simply, it's Jesus telling Judas that in time he, like Jesus will be reborn (i.e. with the discovery of this new gospel). To open up a bit more of the complexity in it, the silence of Judas is based on one of zodiac's poems (Gethsemane (or, Jesus learns what's up with dying)). That, along with continuing the theme of rebirth, is the purpose of the last line of every stanza. 'Lazarus'. He, to me, is one of the most symbolic characters in any text. Umm, where was I? Similes. I am now totally confused about that point, having been told to use them more often by god'swife in response to my glosa of her 'Blueprint'. I guess that's something I'll have to unravel myself with experience. (to be continued in the next box...)
Re: Guttural Responses are Best Saved for Light-rail Mondays by MacFrantic	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-May-06/9:52 AM
Bravo, bravo, bravo. Funny as hell, literally & very well written. No crit on this one... ~Sunny
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-May-06/9:34 AM
Hey Ranger, OK, I hope this is the most recent write you wanted my commentary on, more like a critique, which I am more than appeased to do; you are so faithful to my writes. Here are some examples of nit-picks I didn't care for... -I don't care for poetry lacking correct punctuation. Punctuation is a huge confusion-killer to the reader (I know you only left out the periods, but in order to do this, the poem MUST be extremely clear on how it is to be read & theme as well, which is a tactic I have not even attempted yet myself). Fragments, as is the main composition of the first stanza, are fine, but an entire strophe of them can get under my skin a bit... -Overall, hate to say it, I found little grasp of clarity. It seemed to me you sort of ventured off into winter wonderland half way through, never to return. My mere opinion of course. This choppy style simply does not give your reader enough to hold onto, to grasp the in-depth theme of this poem. I saw too many descriptions after descriptions after...you get it, leading to where? -Lastly, I thought it was too long, unparalleling itself from the overall theme. I do get the overall theme & believe these types of poems should punch with "show," no "tell" in a Dickenson sort of way. I think you get very distracted from your base theme. With every line, every word, ask yourself if it is a direct response back to what you are trying to portray to your reader; this is critical in good poetry, & I know you are more than capable of this, no doubt. -Again, lastly, avoid similes. I am contracted w/ a poetry professor out of NY who taught me this valuable "slap on the hand," per say. The usage of similes only distracts the reader from theme, big no-no. Sorry for the novel, but I was truly just trying to be of some kind of help... ~Sunny
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	6-May-06/9:12 AM
Ranger, your description makes it now more clear. It's more like Jesus' dialogue to silent Judas. The idea and imagery are good, the portrayal of the tree and the caterpillar is fantastic. Your usage of the english language is beautiful. You never fail to amaze me on the various beautiful phrases you adopt or invent, (if that could be said of it.) On the whole I give it an -8-. marks for ...statuesque as a memory, What will your wings resemble when you appear from this web?, Needle-wire undead tree.... The last two lines give it a beautiful finish.
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	Bobjim 84.9.185.22	6-May-06/6:40 AM
Reminds me of the time I had fresh caught rabbit. Tastes like chicken you know.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-May-06/2:57 AM
The beauty of this piece is that it keeps bringing me back to reread and look for more meanings. 'Align in mustard/for forecasted showers' caught my eye this time round. It has a fantastic ambiguity to it, conjuing both the image of mustard plants awaiting rain for sustenance, but also of the monks sheltering beneath leaf-like canopies to escape the storm. So (as I think I said before), the showers are prophecies, but whether they are favourable or not is down to the reader to decide (I like that sort of ambiguity, by the way!) I didn't mention earlier that I thought your contrast of nature and structure was very good - you have the elements, the river, the tree; all life-bringers. Then you have the concrete threatening to smother them. And, of course, you have the temple in the backgroud which is a harmony of both nature and human construction. I'm still not sure about 'scourge' in here - I think it works grammatically, but it feels wrong, somehow. 'Scour' would sit more easily in my opinion, although it's somewhat strong for the gentle nature of monks (it could reflect the 'struggle' theme though, I guess) so maybe 'wash' would be more appropriately - and fit with 'rain'. Similarly, 'purge' just isn't working for me yet. I think I can see what you're getting at by using it but this is a case of you needing to decide whether thematic word choice is more important than the 'feel' of the individual sentences. To be fair, I think I've run into similar obstacles in my most recent submission, I'd be interested to see what you think to it.
Re: Wombs and wounds by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-May-06/2:37 AM
I'm not sure that you'd find Merlot beneath trees that often. Cigarettes, possibly and certainly soil, but Merlot? Unless you mean for it to represent blood...but it's quite unclear there. Stanza two - 'worshipped by a goddess' bit makes it sound like you worshipped her too; at least, that's how I read it. Stanzas 3 and 4 - no problems. Final stanza...I'm not convinced by the list of adjectives, particularly as you describe yourself as complex but then list some fairly simple emotions (very compatible ones at that, for a complex character I'd have expected some contradictions there).
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	some deleted user 64.140.228.126	5-May-06/9:33 PM
I agree with Ranger. This is good, but continuing the alliteration would make it bewtter.
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	some deleted user 64.140.228.126	5-May-06/9:20 PM
This reminded me of a time when I was young and watched my father slaughter chickens--he used to knock them on the head. great poem.
Re: A Loving Hand, Slightly Raised by Enkidu	some deleted user 64.140.228.126	5-May-06/9:09 PM
Very good. the last 5 lines are excelent.
Re: Cookies Won't Cut It by Sunny	Dovina 17.255.240.138	5-May-06/7:55 PM
You've made this, inconsiderately, beyond a cabernet-soaked mind. Still, "knew how her pain soaked into his body," is where I want to be if such crap ever saps my enigma.
Re: Before Dinner by D. $ Fontera	Dovina 17.255.240.138	5-May-06/7:41 PM
Morter and pestal, a short melding before dinner - how sweet. Pierce the doorway - how enticing. Yes.
Re: a comment on Wombs and wounds by Caducus	Dovina 17.255.240.138	5-May-06/7:36 PM
You are the survivor where the others died in disbelief. You are the one who pererveres where the others turned tail. Carry on Ranger, the forest reamins and will survive.