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Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) (Free verse) by Ranger You are a small gold leaf blown over warm earth
Like a kiss-
Content at rest
But if you had these eyes, then you would see
See him sitting in the arms of an apple tree
She will hold him with every other seeking bliss
For he is a wandering cuckoo in an unfamiliar nest,
Surrounded by bitter spheres
If emerald, they watch, blinkless, cold and veined
If crimson he fears stigmata's hold;
Palm outstretched and strained to receive his share of blood
Wrist stud nearly tearing, fiercely threshed-
Nervous in anticipation of more pierced flesh
If Cupid will tell of directness
And steadfastness of hands through surging hearts,
Then you would be like that arrow:
A sketch of his desire while still he stays caressed in bark-skinned
curl
Fingers still stretched
But his fist closed around a different mark of nature
Scattered beside him lingered frozen dew
Where he joined every apple, cast down-
Hoarfrost-white veil blinded him to you
While feeling sun touch skin he turned, trapped in
Amber
Turned
Like you, leaf, slowly flipping over, dozed
Before you skipped away from the orchard
Her blossom, his fall
And, choking on greed and ecstasy, he
He should have known that not all
acid
is
citrus
Up the ladder:
The Small Ones
Down the ladder:
A Melody
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5
Posted: May 12, 2006 11:33 AM PDT; Last modified: May 16, 2006 4:32 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.1788044 Overall Rank: 4925 Comments:
Ranger, I need to read this more clearly during the day.
It's 00:40 hrs now and I'm quite tired. Sorry for no vote now. I did read it, and it looks interesting, but am unable to be specific right now.
huh... maybe it is fitting that the structure is set up like it is: fairly lucid, then almost frenetic and disjointed, until a rather slow "crash" to a more lucid state.
ever listen to skinny puppy? go read some of their lyrics... there's a trip for ya: http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-ly http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-ad http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-la http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-sp http://www.lyricsdir.com/skinny-puppy-wo much of their stuff doesn't seem to make sense, and other stuff is all dubbed clips. and it all seems much better heard than it does read. anyway... hey, i caught your trademark leaf image... i also like the title bit: "temporally uncertain" . a play on "temporarily uncertain"? so i'm gonna vote a 7 for now; i know you mean to tighten this up. it will be very interesting to read as it develops.
Neat links.
I intended that this be a little surreal (it's about drugs, after all) whilst retaining a fairly clear story to follow. On the surface it's about someone getting paranoid and overdosing; the second, less complete layer relates to the 'Cupid' part of the title. I don't know how much people can see into this though; so far I've written what I wanted to say but I'm not sure where to go next with it, or how to make it clearer. It's pretty frustrating, really. Temporally is partly a play on temporarily, but also because the tenses in here are all over the place. It starts in the present, finishes in the past, and has an odd conditional junction in the middle. The leap from conditional to past really doesn't scan, but there again: I don't quite know what to do with it. How are the rhymes sounding in this one?
Sounds like you're trying to show the love affair that addicts have with drugs. My problem is that you can't really tell who's doing the talking and who they are talking to. I guess maybe some solid points of reference to anchor the poem would help the reader to follow you. Right now it seems to be almost entirely metaphor.
Yeah, it's not very clear at the moment. I think I'll fix reference with the apples and go back to the tried-and-tested fairytale style and be a bit more direct. I've put too much stock in puns recently. Too much to make for effecive poetry, anyway.
is cukoo there for a reason or just to signify craziness. I think it may better the poem to research birds and find something that emphasizes what you are trying to say. I'm barely learning how to be specific myself so, use salt. 28
Yeah, the cuckoo's supposed to reflect the out-of-mind state, but also being among the apples (bitter spheres) like a cuckoo is in another bird's nest (eggs). I need to fix that bit, make it clearer, it does have meaning but not one that's brought out well enough just yet. This is a very experimental draft. Frustrating as hell though, I sort of know what I want to say and how I want to say it...but the translation on paper just doesn't work. Ah well, we can but hope.
Hi Ranger, truthfully, I still don't get what your poem is about. Having a rough idea is not enough. Sorry to disappoint. I refrain from voting.
That's okay, I think this one will evolve in gentle stages. I'm really trying to find out how far I can stretch the reader without losing them. As it stands, it's way wide of the mark.
Edited, still not happy with it but it'll progress. I plan to take the first stanza and selected lines from elsewhere to make a crucifixion poem too, particularly given what Imp told me about 'tree' also meaning the cross on which Christ died.
PS Think of crimson not as a word but as poets slut word.
It aint your fault as i had a very sarcastic and humorous lecture from H8 or Dark Angel about it :-)
Itâs much clearer now; I believe I get the gist of at least part of it.
I like the use of Cupid to stand in for agape love - that's a nice analogy. "Arrow" is a bit confusing. You probably refer to Zenoâs arrow, a paradox where motion is rest. If so, then I think thatâs too distant an allusion to expect even above average readers to get. The wrist nearly tearing is good because most people would say "hand tearing" which is probably not historically right. Consistency of the apple tree metaphor: Crimson spheres are imaginable, but emerald-colored apples are not, at least to me. I see other things going on here besides crucifixion. Iâd like to see them all tie together somehow. Surely, you wish to show how these things are related.
I can see how much your writings come on and thought i should comment on what i think you need to do to fastrack the improvement even more.
This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below) You are, a small gold leaf blown over warm earth Like a kiss- Content at rest But, if you had these eyes, you would see him sitting, in the arms of an apple tree She will hold him, with every other seeking bliss and so on...... it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be. Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.
Cupid ... I've seen countless poems about Cupid. This is not by far the most original.
This needs a bit of consideration, and more defined shaping of the scene.
While the title presupposes the theme, it as it stands now is a little confusing to me; basically, I'm wondering if you have a pretty good image & mental snapshot of the of this man, posed in that odd bodily articulation assumed just before & during the coveted arrival of deathly-bliss; the opiate rushing of the soul towards oblivion... Or if he just discovered that it was laced with acid and had a sporadic thought, or image, of enhancing the coming madness with the consumtion of an bloody orange. In short, I'd be happy to see this piece recieve some sharper definition. The image and thought this poem grasps for is worth perfecting. Till then, mate, heres a seven.
Thanks, Supreme - I did intend to return to this a while back but never got round to it. Maybe I will in the coming weeks, especially with the suggestions (yours and others') which are certainly clearer than this poem is in its current format ;-) It's not even worth a seven as of yet but we shall see what an edit can do for it. Thanks once again :-)
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Token vote, as you say, to start the comment counter.