"Who will beard my homemade Negro Jesus?" Said my boss (without two if-you-pleases,) "Be it flaxen or curly, Just beard him – and early! – Or He’ll strike us with lingering diseases!" So I bearded his Jesus with cotton, But my boss must have thought it looked rotten, At the sight he turned ill And immediately filled Up his trousers with steamy au gratin. Then I bearded his Jesus with plastic, Which it seemed would look retro and drastic; O Lord! How I trembled When he said it resembled Max Headroom, but black, and more spastic. Then I bearded Him thickly with cack, Thinking no one would notice – he’s black! But the smell, 'twas unlawful As I’d gathered this offal From the pants of 'i have a fat back'. When I bearded that Jesu with fur, Well, it pissed off some hippies for sure! But my fur’s not so heinous, For it comes from the anus Of violetsuede – perhaps you’ve heard of her? O I thought I would beard Him with paper Given me by a lesbian draper, But my boss, did he like? "No!" he said, "Fuck you, dyke!" And proceeded to anally rape her. Then I bearded that Christ with some Brillo, In a style like the wizard from Willow; I don’t know how he used it In private, but Tuesday Found him padding his ass with a pillow. I bearded his Christ (like a rooster) With a beard-mounted Negro-beard booster; But I threw it away, For it made him turn gay And affect a bad accent of Worcester. With my pubic hair I thought I'd beard 'im So I pulled out old Johnson & sheared 'im. But with th' aid of some glue, And a minute or two, The Jesus just looked like a weird quim. You fool! You can't beard him with pubes! (Don't believe me? Just try it, you rubes!) No, it won't do the trick, You want hair that'll stick, Try from "I've a fat back"'s massive boobs. Well, his breasts aren't as big as his back, If you want hair that surely will tack, Try the ginger pubes, That thrive on the boobs, Of our fellow poet, Zodiac. I bearded my Christ with a virus Known as AIDS to its many admirers, But I ought've expected: By noon he'd infected A choirboy, three monks and a prioress. I bearded my Jesus with lace As I thought it would look rather ace. Alas! It was grim And poor Jesu looked dim With a doily taped over his face. Then I tried it with violetsuede's bloomers, Hoping God had a good sense of humor, But her panties were large As a New Orleans barge And looked quite like a giant neck tumor. I bearded the Christ Child with cats Because here's a material that's Ne'er been used hitherto. It required much glue But at least it scared off all the rats. Then I bearded black Lord in pudding so he looked somewhat like Cuba Gooding He turned in profile And took aim with style At zodiac's face with his pud. Ding! I bearded my Negro in teek, And order'd him never to speak, In case someone guessed, My negro jesus was dressed, As an 18th century antique. I coated my Negro with monopoly, He started to blubber unstoppably, When I asked him why, He wailed "I los da die" His hide was like the Persians at Thermopalye. So I bearded Him lastly with love, Like a black cherub sent from above, There was light’ning and thunder, As I watched - O the wonder! For my Christ turned as white as a dove!