horus8
on A Thing I Must Do by Dovina
2 Feb 2005, 6:55 PM
What? What is this?
Date rape at second base?
Jesus Christ...
I will "miss you smile" too, dunce.
This would be great if the title
Was 'There Is Life On Uranus"
AKA 'The Humped Meat Loaf's, MMM-GOOOOOD"
Surely Allah's tears do not need cleansing? Unless you think they become sullied when a load of Sri Lankan's live on top of them. By God you're probably right :(
Are you Hewey Lewis?
God, I can't risk having nentwined misplace my reply again. Who knows where it would end up this time - on Brittanyy's last post, probably.
Dovina, most feminists believe the sexes are different. Unequal, too, if you mean predisposed to different aptitudes and weaknesses which probably come out even if you can tally them all somehow and give things like petitpoint and soapopera-watching the same value as waging and winning wars and inventing aircrafts. You probably do; and I, with some qualifications, agree.
That's not the point. The point is this poem is about a woman performing nude in a male arena for a lone watching man and thinking that's liberation. It's not. It's strippers' logic. If you were really empowered, you'd keep your clothes on.
For those who dont know Sri Lanka is known as the teardrop of Allah for its shape looks like a tear.
I don't think you meant for this to be a great poem, but I'm under the impression it means something speical to you
wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
on Ducks With AIDs (a feeble attempt of something different) by Blindpoetry
3 Feb 2005, 9:14 AM
A joke from this week's POPBITCH(http://www.popbitch.com):
A man walks into a brothel and says "I've only
got a fiver - is there anything you can do for me?"
The Madam says "yes", and gives him a duck.
The man hands over the cash, and disappears
upstairs with the duck.
A couple of weeks later he comes back. "I've
got a tenner this time." he says, "What'll that
get me?" The madam hands the man another duck.
"Hold on!" says the man, "How come this duck is
a tenner when the other one was only a fiver?
"They're both bloody ducks."
"Ah yes, that's right", says the Madam,
"But this one doesn't have AIDS."
Oddly I like this, to begin with, but if there are no words to speak, how can you even squeeze a rhyme out of a poem? Have you considered cutting it off after "or what is right"? The "heart's heavy song" coul be the title - 'tis a redeemable line but the best poetry is the best words (e.g. for a poem on this theme, few?) in the right order (to give a sense of dullness, emptiness.
.. Hopefully this poem is more than just a (successful) experiment with line indentation.
This doesn't really make any sense, but it sounds ok.
Even though you just forced rhymes to use big words, some of it's worth keeping.
Mundane, but well said.
Crakyamuni
on Save our Self(revised to be a trek into the vent tent) by Crakyamuni
2 Feb 2005, 4:01 PM
I revised that crappiness. I'm completely ready for all negative stabs and jabs. Bring the pain.
This is really good. I liked the first two stanzas, particularly the second. I didn't like so much the meta-commentary of the last 7 lines. If you are serious about this one, try rewriting the last half a few times and see if you can stay in the image more and let the image make the commentary. (it's the old show not tell. First two stanzas are Very Good showing. Last two are more telling)
Right now the telephone is the heaviest object on Earth.
Goddamn man. You have mentioned at least a dozen truths from my book. After the comment you made I had a sense you were good. Genuine in your condition.
Keep this love alive.
A tender loin.
eh...