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Dying Abroad (Triolet) by zodiac Come home, girl, on a fractious day
to the gravel road lined with fern.
And I'll know (for my feet will have turned that way)
that you've come home, girl, on a fractious day.
Slip sibilant over the fields, so they
will shimmer a moment, and burn
with a feeling not unlike a fractious day
on a gravel road lined with fern.
I'll find you, boy, like an early snow
on a field of uncut hay.
God, I've missed the hay-smelling autumn, so
I'll find you there, like an early snow
from a stonewalled riverside town - so you'll know
that I cannot stay, I cannot stay.
If you'll wait for me, boy, like an early snow,
in a field of uncut hay.
Up the ladder:
You Sang To Me In A Cathedral Chamber
Down the ladder:
Speaking my mind. Brilliant Idea!
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.9473686
Posted: February 1, 2005 6:13 AM PST; Last modified: February 1, 2005 6:15 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.855013 Overall Rank: 307 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
I'm not going to be picky about changing a couple of words and not repeating theline exactly. It's really one of your best. I wish you'd spend a little more time writing and a little less time drying to be -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I., Jr., but it's ok.
Simple, pleasing.
A tender loin.
Loved it. Beautiful and wistful. God I'm a sucker for wistful. I think you're channeling "Anonymous" again in this piece, lol, it's got that timeless feel (You know, Anonymous the "small rain" guy)
kill "slip sibilant." It's clever & reflexive -- which is completely out of place in the mood of the piece. Perhaps I agree the last fractious line oughtn't be so altered. I'm not sure. Suppose you could say something like "with the feeling your home, girl,...". But you've certainly earned the right to mess with forms however you like...
Q: Does that "small rain" thing get you a lot of women? I bet it does.
I came back the day after posting this to change the sibilant line. Then Shuushin said he liked it, and I thought how I haven't been nice enough to him recently. For yourself, consider it changed. The adjective could possibly be "whispering" instead. Or something such.
Maybe "wimpling" - an ace word.
Once I found out what a triolet is I'll come back.
I have no idea of hte complexities of a triolet but the word play was inspiring and parts reminded me of Frost.
One of the best I've read in a while on here.
Unbelievably good. 'Slip sibilant...' - reference to the sound of crickets? I thought it worked well. But then again, so did the rest of the piece.
Fantastic. This goes on my fave list. I re-read it to myself just so I could hear the rhythm out loud.
"fractious day" reminds me of Jabberwocky.
"Slip sibilant over the fields" doesn't really make sense but "Slip over the sibilant fields" would. The whole poem makes me think of the death scene at the end of Gladiator.
Yes! I thought Jabberwocky as well, and even checked the original ("O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!") but felt it slightly too silly to mention...
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I like the second half of that first stanza, starting from slip. Has a nice flow and sound to it. Except I missss the logic of thisss sssound she makesss over the fields, or why, or how this adds to the "trouble" of the day.
These commas - are you purposely trying to kill the flow? Espec. L3 in S2
Nice solid concept though with the early snow on an uncut field of hay. Makes sense. Then, right away, you talk more about hay. Hey.
"hay-smelling" ... very evocative, btw. Does that mean it "smells like hay"? That you miss the smell of hay? Or maybe you are anthropomorphising autumn by giving it a nose. How you must miss that nose.
This is the best thing you've ever written.