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Dying Abroad (Triolet) by zodiac
Come home, girl, on a fractious day to the gravel road lined with fern. And I'll know (for my feet will have turned that way) that you've come home, girl, on a fractious day. Slip sibilant over the fields, so they will shimmer a moment, and burn with a feeling not unlike a fractious day on a gravel road lined with fern. I'll find you, boy, like an early snow on a field of uncut hay. God, I've missed the hay-smelling autumn, so I'll find you there, like an early snow from a stonewalled riverside town - so you'll know that I cannot stay, I cannot stay. If you'll wait for me, boy, like an early snow, in a field of uncut hay.

Up the ladder: bipolar
Down the ladder: A Love Potion

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.2777777
Weighted score: 7.169752
Overall Rank: 12
Posted: February 1, 2005 6:13 AM PST; Last modified: February 1, 2005 6:15 AM PST
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Ranger

Comments:
[7] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.53 | 1-Feb-05/10:58 AM | Reply
2 triolets, almost - why you mess with formula, boy? Do you feel that repeating the frame of the first line in the first line of the second stanza makes up for the change in the second to last line of the first? I might go for that. Sure, why not - you're entitled to your opinion of what a triolet is. Absolutely.

I like the second half of that first stanza, starting from slip. Has a nice flow and sound to it. Except I missss the logic of thisss sssound she makesss over the fields, or why, or how this adds to the "trouble" of the day.

These commas - are you purposely trying to kill the flow? Espec. L3 in S2

Nice solid concept though with the early snow on an uncut field of hay. Makes sense. Then, right away, you talk more about hay. Hey.

"hay-smelling" ... very evocative, btw. Does that mean it "smells like hay"? That you miss the smell of hay? Or maybe you are anthropomorphising autumn by giving it a nose. How you must miss that nose.

This is the best thing you've ever written.

[10] wilco @ 24.165.207.93 | 1-Feb-05/4:39 PM | Reply
I'm not going to be picky about changing a couple of words and not repeating theline exactly. It's really one of your best. I wish you'd spend a little more time writing and a little less time drying to be -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I., Jr., but it's ok.
[9] fevriere @ 62.254.128.4 | 2-Feb-05/8:25 AM | Reply
Simple, pleasing.
[9] horus8 @ 24.130.62.63 | 2-Feb-05/6:51 PM | Reply
A tender loin.
[9] Goad @ 217.226.22.139 | 3-Feb-05/2:22 PM | Reply
Loved it. Beautiful and wistful. God I'm a sucker for wistful. I think you're channeling "Anonymous" again in this piece, lol, it's got that timeless feel (You know, Anonymous the "small rain" guy)

kill "slip sibilant." It's clever & reflexive -- which is completely out of place in the mood of the piece.

Perhaps I agree the last fractious line oughtn't be so altered. I'm not sure. Suppose you could say something like "with the feeling your home, girl,...". But you've certainly earned the right to mess with forms however you like...
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > Goad | 6-Feb-05/12:28 AM | Reply
Q: Does that "small rain" thing get you a lot of women? I bet it does.

I came back the day after posting this to change the sibilant line. Then Shuushin said he liked it, and I thought how I haven't been nice enough to him recently. For yourself, consider it changed. The adjective could possibly be "whispering" instead. Or something such.
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 > zodiac | 6-Feb-05/1:22 AM | Reply
Maybe "wimpling" - an ace word.
[10] Caducus @ 172.203.98.244 | 12-Jul-05/9:26 AM | Reply
Once I found out what a triolet is I'll come back.
[10] Caducus @ 172.212.248.113 | 6-Dec-05/6:25 AM | Reply
I have no idea of hte complexities of a triolet but the word play was inspiring and parts reminded me of Frost.

One of the best I've read in a while on here.
[10] Ranger @ 86.142.241.175 | 5-Sep-06/11:51 PM | Reply
Unbelievably good. 'Slip sibilant...' - reference to the sound of crickets? I thought it worked well. But then again, so did the rest of the piece.
[10] Niphredil @ 132.69.238.35 | 6-Sep-06/9:36 AM | Reply
Fantastic. This goes on my fave list. I re-read it to myself just so I could hear the rhythm out loud.
[9] ALChemy @ 71.75.188.163 | 6-Sep-06/12:00 PM | Reply
"fractious day" reminds me of Jabberwocky.
"Slip sibilant over the fields" doesn't really make sense but "Slip over the sibilant fields" would.
The whole poem makes me think of the death scene at the end of Gladiator.
[10] Niphredil @ 132.68.204.234 > ALChemy | 7-Sep-06/3:15 AM | Reply
Yes! I thought Jabberwocky as well, and even checked the original ("O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!") but felt it slightly too silly to mention...
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