Comments byShuushin, 1101–1120 back, including replies. Only comments on poems

on مصادر فلسطينية أن الاحتلال by Wobble McFly 13 Oct 2003, 2:05 PM
Somewhat understated, yet I enjoyed the subtext - this bit, "ألكسندر كالوجين، أكد فيدوفين على" is a fairly unusual usage, and I always like that kind of thing.

Small nit: "الإسر" should be "سرالإسر"
on Not On Your Nelly by Wobble McFly 13 Oct 2003, 2:02 PM
A nice start to. something.
replying on Not On Your Nelly by Wobble McFly 13 Oct 2003, 2:02 PM
I was afraid to ask...
replying on Daddy's Little Girl by unknown 13 Oct 2003, 2:00 PM
OMG - good work. I feel like such a dupe.
on Why? by MercedezDream 13 Oct 2003, 6:28 AM
heh - cute. I was just about to give up, cuz the endrhymes are, well - like they are.

Then you have this awesome ending; good job.
on Billy and the voices by SupremeDreamer 12 Oct 2003, 7:18 PM
[clap clap clap]

"oooo"
on Daddy's Little Girl by unknown 12 Oct 2003, 2:07 PM
Touching - the ending is very sweet and unforced; well done.
on the two faces of the bar social. by darby pyn 12 Oct 2003, 10:08 AM
Awesome easy rhyming kept my attention - right up to naevete', then it kind of breaks.

Rethink that ending, if you are so inclined, and you will have something really special, I'm sure of it.
on I wish I had a friend by un_oying 12 Oct 2003, 9:59 AM
Remember, friends don't let friends use the wrong "to/two/too": 3rd stanza, "to" s/b "too".

I knew you were dead by S5. Cute; have a 6.
on Beautiful Scars by William Delacroix 12 Oct 2003, 7:44 AM
"The sawed-off between his fesses." is interesting -
is the implication he was shot in the chest?

Never seen fesses used like that - works for me, though.
on XYZ by crwncka1 11 Oct 2003, 5:47 AM
It has a nice sincere feel to it; works for me.

and "wishing into the wind" is nice - but I'm a sucker for alliteration with W's
on one by crwncka1 11 Oct 2003, 5:44 AM
first, change "pedal" to "petal"

then delete the second stanza entirely.
on Die by Artemis745 11 Oct 2003, 5:37 AM
... and not a drop to drink.

I like it - I would like it more if the word "almost" killed itself.

maybe replace it with another modifier. like "gentle", or sumfin.
on Silent Tears by Artemis745 11 Oct 2003, 5:34 AM
I think this would be particularly good as a character outline - I feel a story coming on.
on My Angel's Suicide by Artemis745 11 Oct 2003, 5:32 AM
"In perfect position."

Everything about angels is perfection - glad you had that word there.

I didn't notice the repetition with "the gun" as I read it, which is cool.
on "I know what you need!" by A. Nomaly 11 Oct 2003, 5:25 AM
no.... no - NOT THE SWANS!
on For W. by A. Nomaly 11 Oct 2003, 5:23 AM
woah.
on NUMERO UNO by gorbichoff 11 Oct 2003, 5:19 AM
"I'm just a cracka flowin',
not really knowin',"

YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR BIG ONE ZERO!
on Magnets & Cross-Eyed Children by Bachus 11 Oct 2003, 5:18 AM
Puts the physics back in metaphysical -

I really like the sounds made by
"you will never deserve" ... / "of farulous verve"
on sex sex sex! by FreeFormFixation 10 Oct 2003, 6:01 AM
The only better title I can think of is "beer, beer, beer" (j/k).

Another really nice bit of work. Cool format - it suits the piece.