DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

the two faces of the bar social.

Member since 2002 · Posted 12 Oct 2003 · 5 comments

See her smile. you think you know. two eyes with walls before her soul. blinded by your expectations a loose denial with no reservations. now you see it was all so clear the canvas beneath the atmosphere. gestures and laughter hugs with pats on the back knives drove into my back. swell your ego with my naevete'. Im the fool the jester in the corner for an audience of one. never again will I be so obvious with my affection to strangers with dirty faces.

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5 comments

[5] nentwined 12-Oct-03/8:16 AM Reply

knives 'drove' -> 'driven'?

relatively interesting piece for an 'angst' poem. couldn't quite get into the flow.

[7] peaceseeker 12-Oct-03/9:46 AM Reply

Needs more line breaks, and needs more explanation about what's going on.

[7] Shuushin 12-Oct-03/10:08 AM Reply

Awesome easy rhyming kept my attention - right up to naevete', then it kind of breaks.

Rethink that ending, if you are so inclined, and you will have something really special, I'm sure of it.

[8] horus8 12-Oct-03/2:56 PM Reply

Yes, that's the way it is with 'them lambs' So when they go baah? You really shouldn't be shocked... That's what they do.

[n/a] darby pyn › horus8 13-Oct-03/11:13 AM Reply

I was drunk when I wrote this. I just wanted to write and
vent. reading this back to myself I don't like it much.
oh well thanks for the critique.