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the two faces of the bar social. (Free verse) by darby pyn See her smile. you think you know.
two eyes with walls before her soul.
blinded by your expectations a loose denial
with no reservations. now you see it was all so
clear the canvas beneath the atmosphere.
gestures and laughter hugs with pats on the back
knives drove into my back. swell your ego with
my naevete'. Im the fool the jester in the corner
for an audience of one. never again will I be so
obvious with my affection to strangers with
dirty faces.
Up the ladder:
Why You All Suck
Down the ladder:
Drug Addict
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Posted: October 12, 2003 4:50 AM PDT; Last modified: October 12, 2003 4:50 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.336177 Overall Rank: 3456 Comments:
Needs more line breaks, and needs more explanation about what's going on.
Awesome easy rhyming kept my attention - right up to naevete', then it kind of breaks.
Rethink that ending, if you are so inclined, and you will have something really special, I'm sure of it.
Yes, that's the way it is with 'them lambs' So when they go baah? You really shouldn't be shocked... That's what they do.
I was drunk when I wrote this. I just wanted to write and
vent. reading this back to myself I don't like it much. oh well thanks for the critique. 166 view(s)
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relatively interesting piece for an 'angst' poem. couldn't quite get into the flow.