Re: Screw u all! by Blade	10-Oct-03/3:37 AM
I haven't seen any of your others, but this one isn't too bad, but there's one extra syllable in the first line. and it's more senryu than haiku (gesundheit).
Re: a comment on A History of Truth by Blue Magpie	10-Oct-03/2:44 AM
You rule, thanks.
Re: soulmates by casey	9-Oct-03/8:17 PM
A host of truisms with a greeting card feel - what can be wrong about that? small nit/typo: "your" in L6 s/b "you're"
Re: a comment on Working man lament by Garrett S Sexton	9-Oct-03/8:04 PM
I really think that rhyme with sheep, then the refrain adds a central charm; you should prolly keep that.
Re: Working man lament by Garrett S Sexton	9-Oct-03/8:03 PM
Simply put and to very good effect; I like it. I like it alot. Just a hint of an ars poetical self depreciation too - I said I liked this already, right? Is damn good. 8 from the East German.
Re: autumn angst by skaskowski	9-Oct-03/7:59 PM
A prepositional phrase slugfest. I think Kansas said it best with, "we are merely indifferent scraps of ignorance, all we are is indifferent scraps of ignorance ..." Consider a ";" after "wind" ("therefore" usage, actually, all of your commas here could be semi's) - keep or toss (as usual).
Re: a comment on NIGHTMILK SUNBLOOD by horus8	9-Oct-03/7:49 PM
ahh - I see now "Fly high!"; got it. I'm such a dope sometimes. And yes, of course it did. You were there, I wasn't. 'welcome.
Re: B.F. by skaskowski	9-Oct-03/6:08 PM
These two lines are stunning, perhaps in a comedic way: "Be a lapel on my chest to stand as a stapled reminder [.] [o]f what i've tried to digress to, but never lived up to. Never was able to." btw - the use of "digress" here sounds like a thesaurus as work - "turn", "aspire"?
Re: leaping into loss by skaskowski	9-Oct-03/5:45 PM
"where concrete and water meet flush with each other." is very good. You might have used whisper one too many times. I was digging it until I hit the word "surreal" - this is close to something very good I think.
Re: recede into deceit by skaskowski	9-Oct-03/5:40 PM
great start, last two lines: splat. I keep thinking about a bathroom, then horseshoes - I NEED those last two lines dammit.
Re: facku by J.B. Manning	9-Oct-03/5:20 PM
So, am I wrong about this - we only get three entries a week, right? If I were to give you 3 dollars, would you eat one - or, if say I were to give you 3 apples... wait - get your own damn apples.
Re: A Countercultural Trip by peaceseeker	9-Oct-03/5:16 PM
It is neat how it reads louder and louder as one gets further down the poem. I do think the knob could be turned a bit faster though. You might accomplish this by either trimming the extra words, "to his anger" to "it", for example and restructuring the line breaks (okay, that might be deconstructive criticsm... maybe it's REconstructive...) The ending has a nice snap to it.
Re: Reptilian by Christof	9-Oct-03/5:08 PM
Memorable: "My laughter forgets happiness And my drinking remembers thirst"
Re: NIGHTMILK SUNBLOOD by horus8	9-Oct-03/5:01 PM
Some lovely images here including the kitten bit (confusing though with drowning and kite string - maybe just the effects of the rye and ergot fungus?) at the start, can you do something with "sun falls down" - where else might it fall? Up? "frost blow-touch" is noteable; nice. I'm not going to pretend to understand about a quarter of it, but it has a nice flow nonetheless, so I'll just go along for the ride.
Re: a comment on A History of Truth by Blue Magpie	9-Oct-03/4:37 PM
Totally understood and I very much appreciate the response to my comments. It is hard to make a fair citique of a poem without being familiar with the poet's body of work - but I figure one approach is to take each at face value. As for writing IP and something of length, yes - can be a drag. I have a crown of sonnets I've been "working on" for 8 months. 5 sonnets into it, plus skeletons for the remainders, I just look at it now and think, "what a pathetic piece of crap." Anyway - I do like quite a bit of what you've got here (there is lots of substance), sorry if I appear to focus more on the crits.
Re: Never Love A Poet by Caducus	9-Oct-03/12:40 PM
Pretty awesome, really. should be "heart[']s" I think tho. None of the rhyming seems forced, which is cool. If you are so moved, maybe you could consider replacing the second "the 3 words" with "them"? It might just be me, but I felt distracted by the duplication (as if I was missing something, thinking "it must be so for a reason").
Re: Ecohippie by ?-Dave_Mysterious-?	9-Oct-03/12:34 PM
Nice! Flows really well, is entertaining - the timing of the ending is perfect. a small nit: dumpt the "that" after "shit" and the "the" after "to" as in "Not the shit they sell to tourists."
Re: A History of Truth by Blue Magpie	9-Oct-03/11:32 AM
For something so long you'd better grab me very tightly fairly early on. I don't feel grabbed. There's alot of information here, but the credibility of it gets tainted right at the start with statements like "Jesus made Pilot feel uncomfortable". It sounds like a line made just for the sake of the rhyme (with trouble?). Unforced rhyming and solid information is *extremely* difficult. Lots of good data, lots of great, interesting names - its just that the vehicle is a bit tedious. And I will say, the last stanza is mostly superb. Lastly - much of this is iambic pentameter, so I found myself trying to continue that to the not conforming lines; that makes it hard to get a consistent rythm. Maybe you could string a couple sonnets together? Extend it by a bit to make a crown? Good stuff.
Re: Horus's Musical Instrument of Torment by Y2kSlamPoet	9-Oct-03/6:59 AM
this best part: "to melt that cursed instrument and bury it in wet cement." is sadly buried in the rest of it - but your audience of one will likely appreciate the piece more. which is cool.
Re: Whispering (Zero Atmosphere) by Y2kSlamPoet	9-Oct-03/6:35 AM
First off, and I haven't even read the thing - the physical look of it (the concreteness) is very appealing. Okay, gonna read it now... easy stuff first: consider "... by [the] poet's pen" (possessive pen). I realize you might have intentionally pluralized poets and referred to pen in a singular sense, but thats gonna be too complicated for most people. The general idea is well stated, and I think it buys you a "bye" on the slightly trite language in stanza three. I love the dipping cupped hands - fairly stunning. Tweak stanza three and you'll have a real winner.