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A Countercultural Trip (Free verse) by peaceseeker
he's very moody silent and angry but won't admit to his anger most of the time scared and lonely even in sleep an on and off again vegetarian the souls the chemicals got your wisdom teeth pulled, last week and I got mine pulled eight years ago I feel seventeen again when I'm with you call me a primal dunse and I will feel it you say I think too much because I won't fuck you you call my lines too narrow but fuck it's because I'm trapped inside a box lid locked grid locked dread locked glad that you're not sleeping in my back hallway but I'll miss waking to join your morning wood and stoney face grabbing my nipples raping my hand you know I know that same old tune I know you know peace and love, man just thought I'd try hanging on to nothing or was the fact that we had something your problem? so what if my hair dreads? it makes you less paranoid and if I put it up noone at profitting on pain will ever have to know all those younger guys who think they're so cool who think they're so smart who criticize and condescend in a desperate attempt to build themselves back up after adolescent hormones coupled with stunted growth lowered spiritual planes straightened or drugged it's all the same to them your trip is still a trip and this trip is countercultural

Up the ladder: The Goodbye Hug
Down the ladder: A Soldiers Story

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.5555553
Weighted score: 5.7777777
Overall Rank: 1732
Posted: October 9, 2003 9:59 AM PDT; Last modified: October 9, 2003 10:02 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] peaceseeker @ 63.164.145.33 | 9-Oct-03/10:00 AM | Reply
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM ONLY PLEASE.
THANKS.
[9] Bachus @ 24.126.113.154 > peaceseeker | 9-Oct-03/10:50 AM | Reply
Well then "dunse" is dunce. You're welcome.
[n/a] peaceseeker @ 24.198.141.230 > Bachus | 10-Oct-03/2:42 PM | Reply
ever heard of a creative license?
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 163.1.146.47 > peaceseeker | 10-Oct-03/2:47 PM | Reply
yes but what you need is an ignorance license. I have just contacted the Federal Bureau of Stupidity and they inform me that your licence expired shortly after you accidentally stapled your tongue to a tramp's crapping arse.
[7] irishfolksuicide @ 81.178.210.163 > peaceseeker | 9-Oct-03/12:10 PM | Reply
needs a butress
[7] irishfolksuicide @ 81.178.210.163 | 9-Oct-03/12:13 PM | Reply
not bad, a little long winded, I think it tries to deal with the beat 'beat' in a too reflective way.

Good ideas about why the young condescend/ wisdom teeth/ dreads etc but needs to be snappier I think, maybe with a rhyme (just my personal preference).

Don't like the title though, it is a label
[n/a] peaceseeker @ 24.198.141.230 > irishfolksuicide | 10-Oct-03/2:46 PM | Reply
tong winded?
what would you cut out?
too reflective?
what do you mean by that?
needs to be snappier?
will take that into consideration, thanks.
titles are labels, aren't they?
[5] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 9-Oct-03/5:16 PM | Reply
It is neat how it reads louder and louder as one gets further down the poem.

I do think the knob could be turned a bit faster though.

You might accomplish this by either trimming the extra words, "to his anger" to "it", for example and restructuring the line breaks (okay, that might be deconstructive criticsm... maybe it's REconstructive...)

The ending has a nice snap to it.
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