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Whispering (Zero Atmosphere) (Free verse) by Y2kSlamPoet
Thrice the universe turned in my sleep cupped his hands-- dipped into me and drank deep. The mushroom that is my brain discovered hallucination- shroom mentor arrived teaching it to spread spores by casting it into gods breath, it was then that he whispered to me: Created within my image; fallen child, set yourself free. Take what is yours, break the vines that imprison you, and remember this: This voice is just an echo; Believe not in me- the almighty- a frail voice of desperate revelations. Believe in you and no other; consider still the utterings of those close at heart and follow your navigation with confidence. Startling it was- this faint memory of life before oxygen uncovered by poets pen.

Up the ladder: Your Inner Ear
Down the ladder: WHEN

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Weighted score: 5.134471
Overall Rank: 5531
Posted: October 8, 2003 2:28 PM PDT; Last modified: October 8, 2003 2:28 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.28 | 9-Oct-03/12:22 AM | Reply
Very interesting piece, nicely composed and expressed.
[8] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.51 | 9-Oct-03/6:35 AM | Reply
First off, and I haven't even read the thing - the physical look of it (the concreteness) is very appealing. Okay, gonna read it now...

easy stuff first: consider "... by [the] poet's pen" (possessive pen). I realize you might have intentionally pluralized poets and referred to pen in a singular sense, but thats gonna be too complicated for most people.

The general idea is well stated, and I think it buys you a "bye" on the slightly trite language in stanza three.

I love the dipping cupped hands - fairly stunning. Tweak stanza three and you'll have a real winner.
[0] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? @ 163.1.234.227 | 9-Oct-03/7:47 AM | Reply
I look forward to hearing some more poems about how much you enjoy drugs. I feel it is a much unexplored topic on this site.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.165.174 > ?-Dave_Mysterious-? | 8-Nov-03/7:50 AM | Reply
the word shroom is used and you automaticaly assume the topic is actually about shroomin- you crack me up.
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