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Whispering (Zero Atmosphere) (Free verse) by Y2kSlamPoet

Thrice the universe turned in my sleep cupped his hands-- dipped into me and drank deep. The mushroom that is my brain discovered hallucination- shroom mentor arrived teaching it to spread spores by casting it into gods breath, it was then that he whispered to me: Created within my image; fallen child, set yourself free. Take what is yours, break the vines that imprison you, and remember this: This voice is just an echo; Believe not in me- the almighty- a frail voice of desperate revelations. Believe in you and no other; consider still the utterings of those close at heart and follow your navigation with confidence. Startling it was- this faint memory of life before oxygen uncovered by poets pen.

Shuushin 9-Oct-03/6:35 AM
First off, and I haven't even read the thing - the physical look of it (the concreteness) is very appealing. Okay, gonna read it now...

easy stuff first: consider "... by [the] poet's pen" (possessive pen). I realize you might have intentionally pluralized poets and referred to pen in a singular sense, but thats gonna be too complicated for most people.

The general idea is well stated, and I think it buys you a "bye" on the slightly trite language in stanza three.

I love the dipping cupped hands - fairly stunning. Tweak stanza three and you'll have a real winner.




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