on Intersection by INTRANSIT
20 Nov 2003, 7:51 AM
I don't understand a few parts of it, but I like how flows and how it comes together at the end.
-8-
-8-
on iron coil by Shit-Crumpets
18 Nov 2003, 7:02 PM
A supreme effort.
Very much liked.
;O]
-10-
Very much liked.
;O]
-10-
on A girl named Chuck by Shardik
18 Nov 2003, 8:14 AM
and a cymbal crash at the end!
well done.
-9-
well done.
-9-
replying on Mother Murder by horus8
17 Nov 2003, 3:46 PM
ask scitz, or Caducus.... they might lend you one.
on Painting by Art Glocken
17 Nov 2003, 10:30 AM
difficult questions; difficult times...
-7-
-7-
on how bad is this by keatsImnot
17 Nov 2003, 8:01 AM
Pentameter flawlessly applied - Keats or not, well done on this.
gonna give this an -8-
gonna give this an -8-
replying on Anonymous Voters Of Zeros by scitz
17 Nov 2003, 7:21 AM
what about a pantoum? There is a cyclic nature to these little zero spats.
on Anonymous Voters Of Zeros by scitz
17 Nov 2003, 6:09 AM
LoL - I feel your pain.
poetically brilliant:
"You sad cocksucking, moronic, insecure twats,
I hope you find your come-uppance,
In a shower of baseball bats."
I feel fairly safe in saying that prolly you are the first to rhyme bats with twats.
-9-
poetically brilliant:
"You sad cocksucking, moronic, insecure twats,
I hope you find your come-uppance,
In a shower of baseball bats."
I feel fairly safe in saying that prolly you are the first to rhyme bats with twats.
-9-
replying on The Balcony Boys by Shardik
17 Nov 2003, 5:59 AM
Agreed. He, thinking I had something to do with you receiving zeros, peppered me with a few - at least he was kind enough to not be anonymous about it.
No blood; no foul.
No blood; no foul.
replying on The Balcony Boys by Shardik
16 Nov 2003, 6:25 PM
- labor days.
on Common ground. by INTRANSIT
16 Nov 2003, 3:23 PM
Good stuff.
-8-
-8-
replying on Zinnias are a funny flower by Bachus
16 Nov 2003, 3:01 PM
Sure, fire away.
replying on Hansel & Gratel by ShaNoN+960317485
16 Nov 2003, 9:03 AM
don't I know it - we walk the edge of this blade together.
on Hansel & Gratel by ShaNoN+960317485
16 Nov 2003, 8:38 AM
"A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle" - that, I like alot.
couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled
I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway?
having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side.
and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose.
Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more.
if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more.
a hopeful -8-
couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled
I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway?
having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side.
and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose.
Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more.
if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more.
a hopeful -8-
I have to say the simple sentiment is refreshing, and that sentiment is consistent with the language.
Imagine what you could convey with a broader toolset?
show me what the wings look like, show me more of that view; how, exactly, does the earth look through the clouds.
Can you make a play with the wings as clouds (another poem, perhaps)?
that last sentence - you shouldn't have to tell me that, I should read the thing and say it to myself.
Have an -8- with points for encouragement.
Imagine what you could convey with a broader toolset?
show me what the wings look like, show me more of that view; how, exactly, does the earth look through the clouds.
Can you make a play with the wings as clouds (another poem, perhaps)?
that last sentence - you shouldn't have to tell me that, I should read the thing and say it to myself.
Have an -8- with points for encouragement.
Well. This made me look up what a "Koori", what it means in a general sense, and some history.
These kinds of things definitely do raise awareness. The language with the simple rhymes and abundance of extra words is a bit adolescent, and there's not a whole lot wrong with that in this context.
have an encouraging -8-; thanks for expanding my worldview in a specific way (I already knew it sucked in these regards in a general way).
These kinds of things definitely do raise awareness. The language with the simple rhymes and abundance of extra words is a bit adolescent, and there's not a whole lot wrong with that in this context.
have an encouraging -8-; thanks for expanding my worldview in a specific way (I already knew it sucked in these regards in a general way).
sure, the spelling is comical, but with the included excuse it adds to the thing
("never reveal the truth behind the misspelled
meaning").
It wanders a bit though, as if to hear itself wandering - and that can be enjoyable to a certain extent - as long as the mental wanderings aren't an excuse for a lack of structure or meaning.
-8- for the benefit of the doubt.