| Re: thor an his hammer by baphomet |
20-Nov-03/8:01 AM |
sorry to break up the little family dinner table chat, but I think this is where the real talent lies.
sure, the spelling is comical, but with the included excuse it adds to the thing
("never reveal the truth behind the misspelled
meaning").
It wanders a bit though, as if to hear itself wandering - and that can be enjoyable to a certain extent - as long as the mental wanderings aren't an excuse for a lack of structure or meaning.
-8- for the benefit of the doubt.
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| Re: Intersection by INTRANSIT |
20-Nov-03/7:51 AM |
I don't understand a few parts of it, but I like how flows and how it comes together at the end.
-8-
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| Re: iron coil by Shit-Crumpets |
18-Nov-03/7:02 PM |
A supreme effort.
Very much liked.
;O]
-10-
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| Re: 10-72 by dragonfly |
18-Nov-03/8:19 AM |
a lovely codependent ditty.
the only nit I can knit is that I'd like to see a better word than just gun, and cut off is screaming to be replaced.
-8-
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| Re: A girl named Chuck by Shardik |
18-Nov-03/8:14 AM |
and a cymbal crash at the end!
well done.
-9-
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| Re: a comment on Mother Murder by horus8 |
17-Nov-03/3:46 PM |
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ask scitz, or Caducus.... they might lend you one.
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| Re: Hidden by Miggy |
17-Nov-03/1:54 PM |
A lyric.
I think a bridge with more detail about this dirty little secret would be in order.
as it stands there are some nice bits, but it needs something more.
-7-
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| Re: Painting by Art Glocken |
17-Nov-03/10:30 AM |
difficult questions; difficult times...
-7-
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| Re: how bad is this by keatsImnot |
17-Nov-03/8:01 AM |
Pentameter flawlessly applied - Keats or not, well done on this.
gonna give this an -8-
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| Re: a comment on Anonymous Voters Of Zeros by scitz |
17-Nov-03/7:21 AM |
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what about a pantoum? There is a cyclic nature to these little zero spats.
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| Re: Anonymous Voters Of Zeros by scitz |
17-Nov-03/6:09 AM |
LoL - I feel your pain.
poetically brilliant:
"You sad cocksucking, moronic, insecure twats,
I hope you find your come-uppance,
In a shower of baseball bats."
I feel fairly safe in saying that prolly you are the first to rhyme bats with twats.
-9-
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| Re: a comment on The Balcony Boys by Shardik |
17-Nov-03/5:59 AM |
Agreed. He, thinking I had something to do with you receiving zeros, peppered me with a few - at least he was kind enough to not be anonymous about it.
No blood; no foul.
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| Re: a comment on The Balcony Boys by Shardik |
16-Nov-03/6:25 PM |
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| Re: Common ground. by INTRANSIT |
16-Nov-03/3:23 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Zinnias are a funny flower by Bachus |
16-Nov-03/3:01 PM |
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| Re: a comment on Hansel & Gratel by ShaNoN+960317485 |
16-Nov-03/9:03 AM |
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don't I know it - we walk the edge of this blade together.
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| Re: Hansel & Gratel by ShaNoN+960317485 |
16-Nov-03/8:38 AM |
"A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle" - that, I like alot.
couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled
I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway?
having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side.
and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose.
Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more.
if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more.
a hopeful -8-
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| Re: To Fly by amielou82 |
16-Nov-03/8:31 AM |
I have to say the simple sentiment is refreshing, and that sentiment is consistent with the language.
Imagine what you could convey with a broader toolset?
show me what the wings look like, show me more of that view; how, exactly, does the earth look through the clouds.
Can you make a play with the wings as clouds (another poem, perhaps)?
that last sentence - you shouldn't have to tell me that, I should read the thing and say it to myself.
Have an -8- with points for encouragement.
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| Re: Koori by amielou82 |
16-Nov-03/7:36 AM |
Well. This made me look up what a "Koori", what it means in a general sense, and some history.
These kinds of things definitely do raise awareness. The language with the simple rhymes and abundance of extra words is a bit adolescent, and there's not a whole lot wrong with that in this context.
have an encouraging -8-; thanks for expanding my worldview in a specific way (I already knew it sucked in these regards in a general way).
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| Re: I AM... by CHUNMOON |
16-Nov-03/7:24 AM |
STOP THE SHOUTING.
horrey cow. The last three lines gel very nicely, but I can't help thinking there's a more forceful way to make this case.
Most of the power is lost in heat (as is often the case).
It almost pushes through though...
-7-
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