| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Intersection (Free verse) by INTRANSIT I spot
a hawk
perched atop
a stop sign.
He probes
my poll
as I slow
my approach
to this cross in time.
We gaze
on gaze
and weigh
the ways
our brains behave,
I and this
birdly friend of mine.
When we brake
our stare
he takes
to the air
and I
to my grinding line.
Up the ladder:
Rimming
Down the ladder:
War Torn
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.5
Posted: November 19, 2003 8:59 AM PST; Last modified: November 5, 2004 7:13 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.941295 Overall Rank: 1388 Comments:
[n/a]
Bill Z Bub @ 24.43.48.67
|
19-Nov-03/9:31 AM
|
Reply
Nifty. But I don't get "he probed my poll". I'm sure its just me.
[n/a]
INTRANSIT @ 64.12.96.139
> Bill Z Bub
|
19-Nov-03/12:45 PM
|
Reply
admittedly, the assonance is a bit forced. Poll is also the top of the head.
I don't understand a few parts of it, but I like how flows and how it comes together at the end.
-8-
Talk to me , sir S. When I fall short of a dozen, it always makes me ask why.
the poll reference, previously mentioned.
gazing on gaze. grinding line, if anything specific.
the hawk was looking at the top of my head(poll) or "sizing me up"
gaze on gaze-- looked each other in the eye grinding line-- straight ground transportation. but do these things warrant a higher score? I know I shouldn't base everything on this rating chart, it's just convenient. 10-Q
Hrmm. well, its choppy flow suits it.. but that second gaze.. Perhaps phase? ;/ oi.
Well, I'm known to braze- but today I flicker and smoke. Its very raw stuff, good though; it has room to form itself, and even change colors like a cameleon. I'll save my vote for now, second and third looks will probly change my outlook on it. much fun to be had with this piece.
Well seems u have an affinity for daydreams and eye contest with the winged variety perched atop poles. Hope the fella deprives you of its droppings.
The stream of your words is grand till & after the verse âto this cross in timeâ (mind, am not pointing fingers and saying its bad nor worse, but inferring it could be better) cause it give me pause to ponder a little of what you might have had in mind & what deviation from intent it had had. But I find no cause not to relate this with a 10. Ps, appreciate ya comments on my pieces â its critics like u I want & nothing like the friends that point a 10 & be content, as I be smiling my arse off, thinking the grand designs wrought by me hands. Just be honest & state you mind as u have in past. For it, I am & will be ever glade.
probe my pole, i dig yer hole
hello again. :)
I always love birds in poetry. The madness they suggest, the wings, the beaks, the smears they leave on your pole.
bullshit aside, I really loved the last stanza, brake the stare is a bit cutesy, but doesn't really detract, for me anyway...and i think grinding line could be clearer or simpler or something but am without suggestions. i don't like atop in the first. why not just on. in the second, probes my poll....probes is a suggests something more intrusive than what is actuall going on, though that is not really a problem if that is what you mean...the bird is intruding, perhaps? Keep your pole to yourself. the third is nice with the repetition, but "friend" seems... i don't know. if it were my poem, i would let the reader decide for him or herself whether the bird was friend, foe or other. 305 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
