Poemranker [Replying] Sat Nov 23 20:38:26 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

I spot a hawk perched atop a stop sign. He probes my poll as I slow my approach to this cross in time. We gaze on gaze and weigh the ways our brains behave, I and this birdly friend of mine. When we brake our stare he takes to the air and I to my grinding line.

edpeterson

6-Nov-04/6:05 AM

I always love birds in poetry. The madness they suggest, the wings, the beaks, the smears they leave on your pole.

bullshit aside, I really loved the last stanza, brake the stare is a bit cutesy, but doesn't really detract, for me anyway...and i think grinding line could be clearer or simpler or something but am without suggestions.

i don't like atop in the first. why not just on.

in the second, probes my poll....probes is a suggests something more intrusive than what is actuall going on, though that is not really a problem if that is what you mean...the bird is intruding, perhaps? Keep your pole to yourself.

the third is nice with the repetition, but "friend" seems... i don't know. if it were my poem, i would let the reader decide for him or herself whether the bird was friend, foe or other.

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