Free verse № 75611
Hansel & Gratel
Nostalgic crumbs make the bread
Browned in an oven under cold flames
Eat my brother eat them well
Just so, can grow by them
And feel homesick and comeback
Squeezed honey in bitter vats
Crowned with lime for a better taste
Drink my brother, drink them down
Just so, its taste fuel a thirst to quench
Driving you down with thought oâ home limed
Bars of rust caked with time
Holds in its hands a sturdy cage
See my brother, thatâs your pen
In which the hag will forever hold you in
Till the honey soaks the bread and makes you fat
Black coal fumed with a roaring flame
Licks its lips as you grow as the blaze
See my brother, thatâs your hell
When your captor feels you again
Down will come the bars and you to bake
See brother there she comes
A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle
Now my brother I will do well
Will protect you of the fire that roars like hell
Just so my fork and knife slice you swell
7 comments
couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled
I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway?
having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side.
and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose.
Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more.
if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more.
a hopeful -8-
Critics are the maker n breakers and they are seldom wrong and never right:o)
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