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Hansel & Gratel (Free verse) by ShaNoN+960317485

Nostalgic crumbs make the bread Browned in an oven under cold flames Eat my brother eat them well Just so, can grow by them And feel homesick and comeback Squeezed honey in bitter vats Crowned with lime for a better taste Drink my brother, drink them down Just so, its taste fuel a thirst to quench Driving you down with thought o’ home limed Bars of rust caked with time Holds in its hands a sturdy cage See my brother, that’s your pen In which the hag will forever hold you in Till the honey soaks the bread and makes you fat Black coal fumed with a roaring flame Licks its lips as you grow as the blaze See my brother, that’s your hell When your captor feels you again Down will come the bars and you to bake See brother there she comes A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle Now my brother I will do well Will protect you of the fire that roars like hell Just so my fork and knife slice you swell

Shuushin 16-Nov-03/8:38 AM
"A hobble a cackle a wisp of chuckle" - that, I like alot.

couple suggestions, for what they're worth: the thing with nostalgic crumbs right at the start is tricky because you don't want the reader to stumble making sense of that (I stumbled a bit), then having stumbled

I hit "eat my brother" - is that a request made to the witch? Who's side are you on, anyway?

having said that - I think, after reading this, you might be on the witch side.

and I like that *idea*, but the poem doesn't quite convince me you are doing it on purpose.

Know what I mean? There's some good language and that awesome hobble-cackle line but I feel like it could be more.

if you are doing that traitorus twist, then it's worth making it more.

a hopeful -8-




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