Re: a comment on In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	21-Sep-06/2:13 PM
Rhymes would sit well with this; go zodiac-style and throw them throughout just to keep it flowing. I worry that if you just went for end-rhymes it would take attention away from the rest of the piece which would be a shame, as it's lovely.
Re: a comment on Soup Can by oneglove	21-Sep-06/1:56 PM
You know, I misinterpreted the title at first. I thought it was going to lead on to something - like "Soup can...be used as a temporary alternative to paint", or "soup can...be consumed cold, but it's not usually advisable", or even "soup can...be cloven a'twain with Bruce Almighty-style powers". Nifty stuff, soup.
Re: a comment on Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22	21-Sep-06/1:49 PM
P.S. - favourited :-)
Re: Weather poem part 6: idols by nypoet22	21-Sep-06/1:48 PM
I was going to hold commenting on anything else until tomorrow, but this can't wait. 'Damned impressive' doesn't really do justice to it; the concept at least is worthy of top scores. If you could intersperse a few more rhymes among the verses (just like I've done there ;-) ) I think it would flow so much quicker. Also think a certain amount of revision needs to take place with the metric consistency, but I love love love the content. Particularly the end, but I think that generally this is the best I've seen of yours.
Re: a comment on Jose Streets by SupremeDreamer	21-Sep-06/11:03 AM
It's okay, I think I'm going to have to get used to people saying it if I ever want to visit America ;-)
Re: a comment on Week End Justification by half.italian	21-Sep-06/11:01 AM
It's true. You'll find a million puns in anything (at least, in anything long enough to contain a million puns). Go all-out Freudian in your writing. What's really clever though is to read through your own works, spot the potential, and work on it - make it intentional. Then you get uber points, from me at least!
Re: a comment on Its Hard to Say by celticskatermatt1	21-Sep-06/10:55 AM
Yes, but give it a few days and you'll have developed an amazing ability to predict which poems to read properly, and which to just skim through. Trust me on this.
Re: Normality by colbaby	21-Sep-06/10:49 AM
The finest 'Vulgar Poeme' on poemranker, at least of those I've read recently. Line two needs tweaking, the rhythm's out slightly. 'I've lost another shoelace in this giant vat of beer' 'You've made me drop my salad and you've burnt my slice of cow' 'It's nothing new for me to be content with talking shit' !!!!! Please keep posting :-D
Re: You by amanda_dcosta	21-Sep-06/10:43 AM
Line 4 - reduce to just 'descend' Line 22 - change round to 'He opens new doors' (sounds incredibly forced at the moment) Last line...'big bad' is a little trite, this poem needs a killer endline to really knock us for six. I have to say, though, I'm glad to see you posting again - it's good to be able to rely on someone to post lighthearted and all-round nice poetry :-)
Re: a comment on Suicide Dream by Ranger	21-Sep-06/10:38 AM
Many thanks, glad you liked it :-) (I should probably go and read some 17th century poetry now... ;-) )
Re: a comment on I Have, Because I Am by flock	21-Sep-06/10:35 AM
Well okay, the poet has two categories of experience, and emphasises the unusual more than the usual. Fair enough, and rightly so. But this is a poem - and therefore it needs to be presented in an effective way. It made little impact on me and, it appears, little impact on the first two readers as well. I like the message, I think it needs to be said as often as possible, but my gripe is that it's been said in a way which left no impression on me (remember, this is simply my view - not a universal by any means). I believe this could have been done better, and I think if the poet wants to experiment with it, he/she will find that it achieves different reactions. It's about the poet's perspective? That's debatable. After all, any text can be interpreted in a multitude of ways - the longer the piece, the more variations in interpretation (see Empson's rather compelling interpretation of Paradise Lost). Once a piece of literature leaves the author's quill it becomes public property. Any interpretation which logically and consistently holds up must be valid. What authority does the author have to say how a text should or should not be read? --am I right in thinking that the quote means that people produce better work when praised rather than criticised? I'm not sure I agree with it...I probably sound like an argumentative sod, believe me that I'm just interested to find out other peoples' views :-)
Re: if really its me by Landon2	21-Sep-06/2:35 AM
Could do with a run through the spellcheck.
Re: a comment on I Have, Because I Am by flock	21-Sep-06/2:33 AM
Q: 'And by reading someone else's experiences and knowing these feelings for ourselves, does this not make us relate to the poem so much more?' A: No. This is just a list of mildly emotive scenes and statements. If I put my shopping list here, would it suddenly become a marvellous piece of poetry just because lots of people have also made similar shopping lists? No it would not. The whole point of eliciting emotion is just that: that you *elicit* feelings. Hence the overriding purpose of the 'show, don't tell' guideline. If you say 'I have cried', so what? So have I, so has almost everyone else - but it's not making me feel like crying now. If you say 'I am ridiculously happy', it doesn't make me jump around for joy. Otherwise the following line should be the most emotionally evocative line in existence: "I really, really love butchering puppies". It doesn't do much except maybe make you laugh, does it? If, however, I was to write a few lines describing the wounds on said puppies, and their helplessness, then it might be more effective. Emotions have far more of an impact if the reader actually has to conjure them up on their own - which also has the added bonus of making the poem more 'personal' to the reader as well. This is why Dovina suggested keeping the more original ideas, so that the reader would actually have to work out what it might be like. By all means keep the message 'live life to the fullest' - a noble enough sentiment - but simply listing the things you've done in life doesn't motivate me to do those same things.
Re: Prayer by amanda_dcosta	21-Sep-06/12:31 AM
Hey Amanda, sorry I've not yet replied to your email. I will though, bear with me! This seems very much like a short psalm; lyrical and dramatic. I'd split line 2 into two (finish on 'night'), and finish line 3 on something other than '-ing' (give it a word with a strong ending). Still nice, needs music methinks :-)
Re: In the hollow (rough) by ecargo	20-Sep-06/12:26 PM
Love the content, don't love the mixed stresses at the line ends (you can tell I've been reading about this stuff, can't you? Credit/blame must go to Stephen Fry) - you could get away with all feminine endings in the first stanza (representing the little girl) but in stanza 2 where you talk about 'hard hands' and 'jagged voices' I'd make the line end sharply. Can't complain about the imagery though, and the language, as always, is beautiful :-)
Re: The Surfer's Prayer by flock	20-Sep-06/12:18 PM
This would be excellent if you could put some more deep, rolling words in to imitate the sound of the sea. Last stanza is nice, although the last line seemed short (not a huge problem though). As ecargo says, beware cliches :-)
Re: Rain by flock	20-Sep-06/12:14 PM
Nice.
Re: a comment on The Secret by ecargo	20-Sep-06/12:11 PM
You would never hurt a prawne? I am glad to hear it; seafood cocktail of any form always makes me weep. General Thumble P. Critchford tells me that during WWII the prawnatroopers of the first regiment (the 'Pink Berets') distinguished themselves during a daring raid on the main bratwurst factory in Gelsenkirchen; supplies to the front line were crippled. Those prawnes who could adapt to swift freshwater managed to make good their escape along the Rhine and were rescued in Arnhem. Yep, we still love our pounds sterling - despite Big Tony's efforts at demolishing the English heritage we're still fighting tooth and nail against joining Europe entirely. I'm pretty bad at conversion rates, but £13-£15 sounds about right. Actually, I expected it to be more to enter a competition like this - sort of the £25 mark. I'd love to read some of your stories - I never watched Howl's Moving Castle (and I cannot justify not watching it :-( ) but I absolutely loved Spirited Away - makes top five in my all-time favourites, although I'm not a movie buff. I'm guessing you enjoyed Lord of the Rings too? Muchos kudos for actually being able to write a full-length (even short) novel; I don't have the attention span. What I've written in the past tended to turn into Pratchett-esque punfests, although I do mean to one day start that gothic story my suicide poem was based on. Time has been at a premium recently, of course, but I'm about to go back to uni for my last year so I'll have more hours during the week for writing. Actually, the last couple of days have been spent teaching myself metre (after our last convo on the ranker) so now I can talk about iambs, spondees, trochees and pyrrhic substitutions. One day I'll be able to use them too ;-) Oh - and I'm starting the Poemranker Tales, hopefully to have the intro posted soon and get other people to write sections of it. Will it work or is it doomed from the start...?
Re: a comment on a limerick from kent by nentwined	20-Sep-06/10:26 AM
This is not a limerick? On what grounds do you base that? The fact that it doesn't rhyme? Well in that case, how do you account for this well-known accepted non-rhyming limerick: There was an old man of St. Bees Who was horribly stung by a wasp When they said: 'Does it hurt?' He replied: 'No it doesn't - It's a good job it wasn't a hornet' So, despite fulfilling the rhythmic requirement of a limerick, and containing the requisite Lear-esque nonsensical subject, it is not, in fact, a limerick? OH MY GOD! YOU ARE A MORE ENLIGHTENED POET THAN W.S. GILBERT!!!! I TAKE OFF MY SHOES IN YOUR HONOUR!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Re: a comment on Constipation by colbaby	20-Sep-06/10:15 AM
You see, my good ol' grandaddy emigrated to Oz years ago, so whatever happens I can't mock Australia without mocking my own family. Except, of course, for when we beat you in the Ashes ;-) Which region are you in?