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Suicide Dream (Free verse) by Ranger "...so he swam, collarless and torn to seek a swift escape from the
ceaseless song of crickets; the voice of madness calling. When barely
more than quarter of a league had passed he paused and saw again a body
floating by the bank. Slender in her dark green dress stood a silent
lily, the flower of death and the coffin's call. He breathed slowly..."
Peace lily, midnight pool
Pale candle, rippled shawl
You, your tilted head
A weighted flame
With nothing but a silken skein for warmth
To cover - maybe hide - you 'til the dawn
No creature stirs
Still you burn so white
And seeds are shed as stepping stones
To catch the waxing moon
That pastel photograph of you
Peace lily, midnight pool
Green-leaf lover, waterfall
How you despised the way your colours ran
Yet there was something in the skin
Of your reflection after dark
To make you watch and wait and wonder
As it spun a stem of silver
In the wake of parted twilight
Like a mirror, after dark
Peace lily, midnight pool
Ashen eyes, plate-glass pall
I return; your head is bowed
To tumble down and stare straight past the weeds
Where you were sketched on water's edge
Vertical and buried, straw-like
Snapped by your own hand
A broken sceptre crowned in bloodied skies
Before the peace
And insects' song
singing for the wise
Up the ladder:
Islands Of Our King
Down the ladder:
She Crab
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 8.25
Posted: July 23, 2006 1:42 PM PDT; Last modified: July 23, 2006 1:42 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.8740597 Overall Rank: 1535 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[9]
Dovina @ 12.72.43.194
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24-Jul-06/12:40 PM
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Reply
The haunting opening quote, written in third person, as if it were from a novel, and maybe it is. Then the peace lily, an ornamental indoor plant, which I suppose grows wild by some midnight pool. And finally, the uncertain, dreamy language conjures vague reflections, as a dream would, or maybe really did. I feel haunted by the scene, but can't put a finger on the specifics.
[n/a]
Ranger @ 86.137.109.29
> Dovina
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24-Jul-06/11:23 PM
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Reply
The quote was made up entirely. I may turn it into a short story, but that will have to be when I have more time. I'm not even sure if the peace lily does grow wild, but in a dream I don't suppose it matters too much. With any luck it's the juxtaposing of peace and somewhat violent death that haunts. Many thanks as always for commenting :-)
The introduction almost makes me wonder if the narrator killed her.
Actually that's a damn good idea. 'Snapped by your own hand' doesn't quite go with it - unless I twist it so that the narrator has split personalities and killed himself. That would be awesome fun to write. You know, you're great for getting ideas off :-D
I read it as a suicide. I think it worked.
Nice... very nice. And great imagery. How do you do it? A very subtle .. softspoken tone..... it's too good.
It's nicely done, Ranger. You have a deft gothic touch, both in the poem and in the (self-)quoted passage. Too bad Gothics are not popular anymore--you really get the eerie tone and imagery down. You should submit this--someplace like The Harrow (or maybe Kaolin's issue of the new GUD venture) that looks for dark-fantasy kinds of subs. What are you reading? This smacks of 19th century "horrid novels"--in a good way.
I haven't read anything for ages :-( No spare time; this took me about three weeks to write, which is quite surprising because I usually get bored of anything that isn't complete after an hour and a half. I might just try the GUD - thanks for the suggestion :-)
I really love the image you've created with this one. So dark and eerie, which happens to be my favorite scene. I don't know how you do it, but you do it again and again. I'd like to read that short story if you ever do write it.
Cheers, man. I'll try and write the story over the coming weeks.
Hmm, well I don't want to sound rude but this has been done a million times before, mostly on poemranker. Seriously, the 'loneliness-pain-death' theme could not be more overused. If you do think it's a subject you want to write about then please please please find a more original way of saying it. Have a read around poemranker, 50% of the poems on here contain more or less the same content as this, and that makes it boring for those few of us who actually read what's posted. If you really want to grab the reader's attention, give them something unique, clever and surprising.
Read through a few dozen of the poems here in the lower half, note the recurring themes/phrases/words and avoid them at all costs. I'm not joking - count how many other pieces contain 'tears', 'loneliness', 'heart', 'pain', 'hurt' and 'fear'. You'll see what I mean; after reading a few they all start to blend into one and aren't interesting. Or if you don't want to read through all those poems, read the definition of 'pimple poem' given on the ranker. I hope this is ultimately of some use to you with your writing.
Bravo, sir, bravo! I bow down before your mastery of ironic resubmitting of my own comment. How could I have ever been so naive as to believe this may be a decent poem? How could I have ever been so arrogantly callous as to attempt critiquing a poet who has achieved the lofty heights of publication? Clearly such a being is beyond my mortal comprehension.
But wait... If you had actually read this piece, you would have seen that I have followed every single guideline set down in that comment. You would have also read the comment in its original context and noted with abject disbelief that I had spent a considerable amount of time constructing a considerate, honest and polite critique. I wouldn't usually bother giving that much time (which I don't have right now) to a newcomer posting poetry like that, but I hoped that it would spark some discussion from a published poet who absoutely *must* have received a few critiques in their time, and I could therefore learn from. Instead...I got slathered in what closely resembles the brownly pumpings of a rusted snatchwagon. Your inability to read comments leaves me less-than-full of hope for your ability to read poetry. The mere fact that I didn't jizz myself over your friend's attempts at poetry is no reason to insult me. I was thoughtful, honest and polite to her; if you aren't going to return the gesture then kindly leave me alone -bow'ls-
Rules? RULES YOU SAY? WHAT THE FUCK ???? There ARE NO RULES in REAL POETRY .... it's all about emotions and getting a point across ... rules are for idiots who don't know how to write without them. Enough said.
*Berates self for wasting time on a fuckwit*
Yeah poetry is all about thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Don't listen to Ranger -- he just doesn't realise that true poetry comes from the heart, and that there are no rules. Apart from the rule that it must rhyme, of course.
I've always just gone on instinct over actual thought when it comes to writing. I guess I've always been something of a loose cannon. My friends call me Maverick because I work alone, and because my poetry makes them think of things to do with Mavericks. What do you write about?
And herein lies the problem; when I was twelve I traded my heart for a pack of trading cards, a sherbet dip and a gilt-edged turbo-charged wheelchair. All my friends had skateboards, but since the accident happened I was unable to use one - so I put the wheels on sideways and tried to impersonate a crab. After that all my poetry came from my bowels.
Well that makes perfect sense.
Aaah finally! I've found a true poet amongst the riff-raff! Pleased to make your aquaintance!You are quite correct that true poetry comes from the heart. I write about anything and everything, from emotions to life situations to frienship to fantasy (not sexual fantasy!!!).
Rules? Where did I ever talk about rules? No literature follows absolute rules, otherwise how would Carrol, Lear, Joyce etc. have survived? I took great care to use 'guidelines' instead. Once again, in your determination to abuse me, you've failed to read what I wrote. The whole idea of poetry is that it's subject to various features which distinguish it from ordinary prose. Hence the existence of all the poetic devices (alliteration, assonance, onomatopoeia etc.) With the exception of some crude rhyme and rhythm, I don't remember seeing a single example of these devices in your friend's poem. What's more idiotic: careful, skilled manipulation of language or the slapping down of a bunch of basic emotive words?
Now let's return to your original complaint, namely that I dared to criticise a published poet. As I've already said - and you appear to have ignored entirely - I did so to get discussion going with someone who I could potentially learn a few tricks from - and also because it was not a very effective or interesting poem. Before you explode with indignation at my rudeness, let me suggest something to you: 1) - she claimed to be a published poet, and as I'm a generous soul I assumed that meant 'published by a credible source'. 2) - some of her poems must be good enough for publication. 3 - the poem she posted was not good enough for publication (if it was, why was it on a public site?) 4) - therefore, the poem she posted was one of her weaker efforts, and she would be humble enough to acknowledge that she could do far better. 5) - as such, I wouldn't have received such a mountain of shit from her accomplices; instead I'd have learned something poetically useful. Seems I was wrong.
I am not going to let you turn this around to make yourself out to be "the good guy" You are an arrogant bastard who can not see the wrong in what he said to another person. You were INSULTING. I do not see your own poem on suicide as particularly clever ... in my opnion her "weak attempts "are far better than your best could ever hope to be. Maybe next time you will actually learn something instead of trying to put yourself up on a pedastal eh?
Really, I'm still not sure whether you actually believe what you say, or whether this is just a spot of light trolling to while away the hours. I am undoubtedly a sick boy in need of professional help. I am undoubtedly the single worst poet this planet has ever churned out of its innards. I undoubtedly had far less of a vocabulary last Tuesday than you had thirteen seconds after you were born. God was certainly asleep when I was conceived - there can be no other explanation for my existence on this good and green earth. But think; if I am an arrogant bastard, do you really expect me to take you seriously when all you're doing is hurling angry abuse at me? Moreover, angry abuse after having not read a single thing I've said. Maybe next time I will actually learn something? How many more times do I have to say it? - I was trying to learn something from her. I put a critique up, if it had been fundamentally flawed then any poet worth their salt would have corrected me. The fact that everyone else who read it agreed with me ought to imply that I was at least making a valid point. If you don't find my poem clever, that's fine with me. I'm open to criticism and suggestion. You have yet to give me anything that I can learn from though. What, precisely, would you change about this? My original comment was that you had posted a comment (my own comment) which was invalid because everything contained within had been adhered to in the poem. I still stand by that. If you want to point out examples of where I am wrong, in a sustained critique I will listen gladly.
As for being insulting, well I disagree entirely. I would not have been upset at receiving the comment I posted if it was relevant (which it was when I posted it). What is insulting, however, as a lover of the poetry of Kipling, Coleridge, Dark Angel and zodiac, is for someone to arrive on this site preaching about being a professional, published poet, and then rhyming 'mattered' with 'splattered'. Merely bothering to take the time that I did to comment at all was a compliment to the poet. This is not about a good guy/bad guy situation. As far as I am concerned, I posted a critique and have given it justification. As far as you are concerned, I am a retarded, talentless, vain, thoughtless, ugly, insecure cunt to whom you don't need to give any specific justification for your outbursts. Now, are you going to calm down and talk or not?
PS: Leave you alone? Ok now you sound like a three year old. Why does this not surprise me *raises eyebrow*
Hee, you remind me so much of what I was like at 15. Which would explain why your barrage didn't surprise me at all.
Except that when you were fifteen you probably didn't have the vocabulary that I had at five. Shame.
You were rude and obnoxious and if you can't see that then you should get professional help.
Am I annoying you yet?
No, just entertaining.
So far I see no poems by this "Freind" of yours although he might have once went under the name "Adriaan". If that's the case then Adriaan has only 5 free verse poems, the rest are hiakus and senryus or whatever the hell they're called and none of the poems seem very original to me at all. It's funny how much people nut in their skibbies over the word "poetry" like it's the holy grail of verbal expression. Any one how describes poetry as being all about emotions and getting the point across (like that's not the point of prose too) has been stroking their mandolin too long. Poetry is using sound and sometimes visual effects to enhance the experience of written word. Just because you're emotional and you have a point to make it doesn't mean you're a poet.
I'd be bitterly disappointed if Friend did turn out to be Adriaan - if I remember rightly we got on pretty well and I had a healthy respect for his writing. But I guess I'll have to live with it if he is.
You're spot on (as usual) with your definition of poetry; I'd also add that it's not just the sound, but the way a poem feels as you read it - a really good poem fits together and flows naturally so even if you just mime it, it still works. Mathematical, like Poe said.
Well if this sort of thing entertains you then you are a truly sick boy.
How 17th century of you. There's a very nice flow to this and the word choice is perfect.
Many thanks, glad you liked it :-)
(I should probably go and read some 17th century poetry now... ;-) )
I am not sure that I required the intro...this piece didn't need 'setting up'. That said...this is a really strong piece on several merits. Word choice was Choice, good flow/rythm (getting better at that, aren't you?!), has a timeless feel to it, classic without being a repetitious example of classic form, held my interest very well, and painted a lovely picture...yes, I said lovely. I has a touch of morbidity, but only a touch that does not dwell concretely there. Fascinating and captivating. Think about submitting this one for publication. A few little fixes here and there may be needed:"To cover - maybe hide - you 'til the dawn" I'd like to see written in a way that encouraged a better flow. To cover- maybe hide you, till the dawn...? I don't know how, but the dashes seem to call for more halting than I feel comfortable with. Also, you use commas and such, but not entirely. I think you could use one here: 'Still, you burn so white'
In fact, periods etc would probably be called for since you used>,;'...:) (Hence, the 9 vote) The pieces that seem to come from the distant past, that read as if written in some far-away time and place, seem to be your forte'. True to my own rule, I will vote and comment before I read what others voted and commented... but must admit I am anxious to see others' reactions.
Oh My, I have been away a while....seems I missed a bit of nastiness. THAT kind of nastiness I can do without. I am surprised by the level of venom...and disappointed.
That said, I totally disagree with those who bashed this piece. IMHO, it is a solid piece; and I can not fathom anyone calling it far less than that. Personal preferences are one thing; opinion is another; but personal attacks reflect badly on the one posting them. We post as a way of askance, and know that 'Joe Public' will respond with his opinion of what we write. We are free to accept the assessment or to reject it. Going for the jugular of one who posts a comment discourages others from commenting with their honest opinion...and in the end the writer loses what could be a valuable tool. 341 view(s)
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