Free verse № 144733
Suicide Dream
"...so he swam, collarless and torn to seek a swift escape from the ceaseless song of crickets; the voice of madness calling. When barely more than quarter of a league had passed he paused and saw again a body floating by the bank. Slender in her dark green dress stood a silent lily, the flower of death and the coffin's call. He breathed slowly..."
Peace lily, midnight pool
Pale candle, rippled shawl
You, your tilted head
A weighted flame
With nothing but a silken skein for warmth
To cover - maybe hide - you 'til the dawn
No creature stirs
Still you burn so white
And seeds are shed as stepping stones
To catch the waxing moon
That pastel photograph of you
Peace lily, midnight pool
Green-leaf lover, waterfall
How you despised the way your colours ran
Yet there was something in the skin
Of your reflection after dark
To make you watch and wait and wonder
As it spun a stem of silver
In the wake of parted twilight
Like a mirror, after dark
Peace lily, midnight pool
Ashen eyes, plate-glass pall
I return; your head is bowed
To tumble down and stare straight past the weeds
Where you were sketched on water's edge
Vertical and buried, straw-like
Snapped by your own hand
A broken sceptre crowned in bloodied skies
Before the peace
And insects' song
singing for the wise
32 comments
Read through a few dozen of the poems here in the lower half, note the recurring themes/phrases/words and avoid them at all costs. I'm not joking - count how many other pieces contain 'tears', 'loneliness', 'heart', 'pain', 'hurt' and 'fear'. You'll see what I mean; after reading a few they all start to blend into one and aren't interesting. Or if you don't want to read through all those poems, read the definition of 'pimple poem' given on the ranker.
I hope this is ultimately of some use to you with your writing.
But wait...
If you had actually read this piece, you would have seen that I have followed every single guideline set down in that comment. You would have also read the comment in its original context and noted with abject disbelief that I had spent a considerable amount of time constructing a considerate, honest and polite critique. I wouldn't usually bother giving that much time (which I don't have right now) to a newcomer posting poetry like that, but I hoped that it would spark some discussion from a published poet who absoutely *must* have received a few critiques in their time, and I could therefore learn from. Instead...I got slathered in what closely resembles the brownly pumpings of a rusted snatchwagon. Your inability to read comments leaves me less-than-full of hope for your ability to read poetry. The mere fact that I didn't jizz myself over your friend's attempts at poetry is no reason to insult me. I was thoughtful, honest and polite to her; if you aren't going to return the gesture then kindly leave me alone -bow'ls-
*Berates self for wasting time on a fuckwit*
I've always just gone on instinct over actual thought when it comes to writing. I guess I've always been something of a loose cannon. My friends call me Maverick because I work alone, and because my poetry makes them think of things to do with Mavericks. What do you write about?
Now let's return to your original complaint, namely that I dared to criticise a published poet. As I've already said - and you appear to have ignored entirely - I did so to get discussion going with someone who I could potentially learn a few tricks from - and also because it was not a very effective or interesting poem. Before you explode with indignation at my rudeness, let me suggest something to you:
1) - she claimed to be a published poet, and as I'm a generous soul I assumed that meant 'published by a credible source'.
2) - some of her poems must be good enough for publication.
3 - the poem she posted was not good enough for publication (if it was, why was it on a public site?)
4) - therefore, the poem she posted was one of her weaker efforts, and she would be humble enough to acknowledge that she could do far better.
5) - as such, I wouldn't have received such a mountain of shit from her accomplices; instead I'd have learned something poetically useful.
Seems I was wrong.
As for being insulting, well I disagree entirely. I would not have been upset at receiving the comment I posted if it was relevant (which it was when I posted it). What is insulting, however, as a lover of the poetry of Kipling, Coleridge, Dark Angel and zodiac, is for someone to arrive on this site preaching about being a professional, published poet, and then rhyming 'mattered' with 'splattered'. Merely bothering to take the time that I did to comment at all was a compliment to the poet. This is not about a good guy/bad guy situation. As far as I am concerned, I posted a critique and have given it justification. As far as you are concerned, I am a retarded, talentless, vain, thoughtless, ugly, insecure cunt to whom you don't need to give any specific justification for your outbursts. Now, are you going to calm down and talk or not?
Am I annoying you yet?
You're spot on (as usual) with your definition of poetry; I'd also add that it's not just the sound, but the way a poem feels as you read it - a really good poem fits together and flows naturally so even if you just mime it, it still works. Mathematical, like Poe said.
(I should probably go and read some 17th century poetry now... ;-) )
In fact, periods etc would probably be called for since you used>,;'...:) (Hence, the 9 vote)
The pieces that seem to come from the distant past, that read as if written in some far-away time and place, seem to be your forte'.
True to my own rule, I will vote and comment before I read what others voted and commented... but must admit I am anxious to see others' reactions.
That said, I totally disagree with those who bashed this piece. IMHO, it is a solid piece; and I can not fathom anyone calling it far less than that. Personal preferences are one thing; opinion is another; but personal attacks reflect badly on the one posting them. We post as a way of askance, and know that 'Joe Public' will respond with his opinion of what we write. We are free to accept the assessment or to reject it. Going for the jugular of one who posts a comment discourages others from commenting with their honest opinion...and in the end the writer loses what could be a valuable tool.
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