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Suicide Dream (Free verse) by Ranger

"...so he swam, collarless and torn to seek a swift escape from the ceaseless song of crickets; the voice of madness calling. When barely more than quarter of a league had passed he paused and saw again a body floating by the bank. Slender in her dark green dress stood a silent lily, the flower of death and the coffin's call. He breathed slowly..." Peace lily, midnight pool Pale candle, rippled shawl You, your tilted head A weighted flame With nothing but a silken skein for warmth To cover - maybe hide - you 'til the dawn No creature stirs Still you burn so white And seeds are shed as stepping stones To catch the waxing moon That pastel photograph of you Peace lily, midnight pool Green-leaf lover, waterfall How you despised the way your colours ran Yet there was something in the skin Of your reflection after dark To make you watch and wait and wonder As it spun a stem of silver In the wake of parted twilight Like a mirror, after dark Peace lily, midnight pool Ashen eyes, plate-glass pall I return; your head is bowed To tumble down and stare straight past the weeds Where you were sketched on water's edge Vertical and buried, straw-like Snapped by your own hand A broken sceptre crowned in bloodied skies Before the peace And insects' song singing for the wise

LilMsLadyPoet 28-Sep-06/10:21 AM
I am not sure that I required the intro...this piece didn't need 'setting up'. That said...this is a really strong piece on several merits. Word choice was Choice, good flow/rythm (getting better at that, aren't you?!), has a timeless feel to it, classic without being a repetitious example of classic form, held my interest very well, and painted a lovely picture...yes, I said lovely. I has a touch of morbidity, but only a touch that does not dwell concretely there. Fascinating and captivating. Think about submitting this one for publication. A few little fixes here and there may be needed:"To cover - maybe hide - you 'til the dawn" I'd like to see written in a way that encouraged a better flow. To cover- maybe hide you, till the dawn...? I don't know how, but the dashes seem to call for more halting than I feel comfortable with. Also, you use commas and such, but not entirely. I think you could use one here: 'Still, you burn so white'
In fact, periods etc would probably be called for since you used>,;'...:) (Hence, the 9 vote)
The pieces that seem to come from the distant past, that read as if written in some far-away time and place, seem to be your forte'.
True to my own rule, I will vote and comment before I read what others voted and commented... but must admit I am anxious to see others' reactions.




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