| Re: Searching by celticskatermatt1 |
3-Dec-05/7:59 AM |
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| Re: A Joining Of Souls (edit) by Caducus |
3-Dec-05/8:09 AM |
Was she giving you a blowjob in the second stanza?
Give her this poem. Maybe she'll give you another one.
A little sappy though. -7-? Nah, I'll giv'im an -8-
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| Re: Light within darkness by Caducus |
3-Dec-05/8:22 AM |
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| Re: Calenders, Painters and the Boy who imagined Everything by avery |
3-Dec-05/8:36 AM |
"fiery fireplaces burn with a warm lush" is the worst thing I've ever read. Ever.
It seems like you tried to cram every poem you ever wrote into 4 stanzas.
I see potential in you though.
-5- This should give you room to either improve or decline.
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| Re: forever mourning by outofdarkness138 |
3-Dec-05/9:09 AM |
First two verses are weak. Does this ring a bell?
"Where, oh where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over and thought I found true love.
You met another and Phht! you were gone."
The rest of it seems to work ok.
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| Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener |
4-Dec-05/6:58 AM |
...And we without.
But you will.
One as I.
You and I as nothing.
Everything we,
a we(e) nothing therefor(e).
I knew there was some good poetry in there.
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| Re: Popular Lovers by wilco |
4-Dec-05/7:01 AM |
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| Re: Shoebox Thoughts by BrandonW |
4-Dec-05/7:08 AM |
"Grandma it's me, Brandon."
"Oh my god! Are you here to rape me? HELP, HELP, RAPE!"
"No grandma it's me your grandson Brandon."
"Oh god. HELP! Henry, the rapist is trying to rape our grandson!"
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| Re: Duff firs, Nawal by zodiac |
4-Dec-05/8:01 AM |
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That came out so good that now I'm actually kinda frightened of you. I defy John Updike to do something like this. 10+
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| Re: Until the Façade Comes Down by TLRufener |
4-Dec-05/2:30 PM |
Facade.
Nope can't make that little tail thingy appear under my "C".
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| Re: Through the channel by amanda_dcosta |
5-Dec-05/2:12 AM |
For now I'll just analyze the first stanza and then you can see if you can identify any possible flaws in the others.
You should lose either "Going" or "I travel" as it is restating the obvious and is obviously a space filler.
"Home" is also unneccessary. Change "packed" to over-packed. It will intensify the crowded feeling.
Say "In the middle of a changing tide" This will emphasize the double meaning as being mid-event tide and mid-location tide. Say outstretched instead of "stretched out" to avoid your adjective being confused as a verb.
So now we have:
Traveling to class and back
on a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing tide.
Land outstretched on either side.
Now you have room to add:
Traveling the hours to class and back
on the bow of a boat that's overpacked
in the middle of a changing summertide.
Land outstretched on either side.
You also get some enjambment this way.
You have great rhythm and flow but you need to maximize as much effect into each line as you can to hold an ever-distracted modern audience's attention. So write like 3 or 4 versions of the same poem before you settle.
Now if only I can get myself to listen to my own advice more often. -8-
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| Re: how did i forget that i have to go to work? by hendrimike |
5-Dec-05/2:57 AM |
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If you called it a lyric poem I might have been more impressed. This is one of those meant to be said not read poems. Sounds like excerpts of Bob Dylan songs.
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| Re: FIVE LOAVES AND TWO FISH by amanda_dcosta |
5-Dec-05/10:57 AM |
For some reason as I read this I took on the spirit of John Denver. Perkiest I've felt in weeks.
YEEHAW! Thank God I'm a country boy.
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| Re: Snake in the Grass by thepinkbunnyofdoom |
5-Dec-05/3:25 PM |
Answer the question at the bottom for me please:
This is a story about a girl.
While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately.
However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was.
A few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question: Why did she kill her sister?
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| Re: Irish Holliday by Dovina |
5-Dec-05/10:25 PM |
Shouldn't the last line go "Would he fit in the laundry?"
Christmas in Bedrock.
Wilma's suckin' Fred's cock.
Betty's lickin' her cunt,
Barney's fuckin' her butt,
and Dino's sprayin'em with his eggnog.
Merry Christmas Dov and Yabbadabbadoo. -10-
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| Re: The Dark by cyan9 |
6-Dec-05/2:10 AM |
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A message similar the the end of the movie Jacob's Ladder. Sounds like an older poem of your's.
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| Re: Thespian by BrandonW |
6-Dec-05/2:15 AM |
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I think what they're trying to say is that Haiku are so condensed that few people are skilled enough to make them work well. There's alot more to it than 3 lines with a 5-7-5 syllable pattern.
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| Re: YOUR OWN PLEASURE by Zoe |
6-Dec-05/2:19 AM |
This poem looks like something the teacher made you write on the chalkboard for being bad.
Exhausting.
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| Re: Jesus, you I see by amanda_dcosta |
6-Dec-05/2:26 AM |
You should have noted that this was a lyric or hymn.
My personal favorite hymn:
I don't care if it rains or freezes
as long as I got my plastic Jesus.
Can I getta AMEN sista?
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| Re: The Incubation by oneglove |
6-Dec-05/2:32 AM |
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Nice. It didn't floor me but it's nicely done.
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