Re: laugh again by skaskowski	6-Dec-05/3:08 AM
Damn! That's a really bad case of Peyronie's disease.
Re: mask; an infidelity by FreeFormFixation	6-Dec-05/3:14 AM
How dare you steal from those poor Mexicans selling oranges on the street. They need every penny they can get to buy soap.
Re: almost missed work by calliope	9-Dec-05/7:04 AM
Here's what I can make of this: Your head's on the tracks listening for the train, You see it in the distance. The crossing gate lifts. The train goes by. You're almost late for work. If I'm even close to right I must be psychic because this is one of the vaguest things I've read in a while. Please use capitals when needed. I don't particularly find "i" cute or sweet, just lazy. And believe me if anyone knows about lazy it's me. Some good use of rhyme placement though. "Trainy"? Would have been cuter if it was "Tranny trails".
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Dec-05/7:18 AM
Lose stanza 3. line 2 of stanza 6 leaves to many questions in the readers mind. The last stanza seems out of place in it's style and format. The other verses are great.
regarding some deleted poem...	9-Dec-05/7:34 AM
The first half of it's great but the end rhymes seem forced like you got half way through and just said "fuck it I'm bored" and so you wrote a bunch of rhymes ending in "ash" and "I" sounds. I prefer in a prose poem that the rhymes appear like as Bob Ross once put it "happy little accidents". Actually I prefer the whole poetic quality of a prose poem to appear that way. *My props for inventing a word.
Re: Better Off Dead by wilco	9-Dec-05/7:48 AM
Just be glad you don't live were they make paper. It smells like rotten sauerkraut. Lose "that we’ve thrown." Change "leper" (throughs off the poem). Change "paper airplanes"(a little too obscure) to something like "waste-paper". First 3 couplets are the best part of the poem.
Re: Hope by sliver	9-Dec-05/7:55 AM
The first stanzas real nice but the others dwindle a bit.
Re: The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	9-Dec-05/8:28 AM
I've got an idea for the believers out there. Instead of living your life according to the bible, assume that the bible is a metaphor for your life begining with Genesis (your birth) and ending with Revelations (your death). I promise if you study it like this the knowledge of God will start to become your knowledge.
Re: Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/10:34 AM
The last verse seems to abandon the blacksmith metaphor completely. I think you may have missed a great opportunity to carry the symbolism through. What if you'd said something along the lines of "For all his wrath in forging a sword to slay his demons he now saw he had beaten the blade and handle flat and was now facing the cross he bore". I know that's kinda cheesy but it was off the top of my head. You see what I'm trying to say though right?
Re: Observer by Dovina	10-Dec-05/5:01 AM
Back in good form D.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Dec-05/5:11 AM
The theme is a little overdone. Maybe if you didn't reveal that he was a rat until the end it might have more of a kick to it.
Re: Emma Barksdale by rahson_s	10-Dec-05/5:36 AM
Lose "eyes wide shut" or you might as well say she was "gone with the wind". I almost feel this would be better in paragraph form presented as a prose poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-Dec-05/10:31 AM
Version 2 is the best one. Change: Snatches to snatched. Holding to held Rips to ripped. You go from past tense to present to past tense again. This leaves the poem sounding subtly awkward.
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Dec-05/4:31 PM
He says "Luke I am your father." And then disarms me with his saber. NO, NO! You're not my daddy, Vader.
Re: War (edit) by zodiac	12-Dec-05/6:33 PM
Much easier to read now. I do wonder how you came about the idea of calling Bush Girlie. Maybe Pussy would be closer to Bush, nyuk nyuk. I checked CNN today, still no bread yet.
regarding some deleted poem...	12-Dec-05/6:49 PM
It's not easy being green. But green's the color of Spring And green can be cool and friendly-like And green can be big like an ocean, or important Like a mountain, or tall like a tree When green is all there is to be It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful And I think it's what I want to be. -Kermit the Frog
Re: logan st. by FreeFormFixation	12-Dec-05/6:58 PM
Synesthesia?
Re: zimp by calliope	12-Dec-05/7:00 PM
Fo'shizzle.
Re: Relics in Entropy by PsydewaysTears	12-Dec-05/7:06 PM
So many good words given no use or meaning whatsoever.
Re: I saw Your Face Last Night by Dovina	12-Dec-05/7:11 PM
This is OK but many of your comments contain a more impressive use of language than this poem does.