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I saw Your Face Last Night (Free verse) by Dovina each line, each feature
in the ceiling
as I lay in bed
your eyes urgently staring
lips parted as if to receive
sleep distant
your illusion hovered
reaching to me
I lay still, staring
not wishing to lose you
in half-sleep
I tasted you in mind
waited for you to invade dreams
An empty place beside me
the sheets there cold
I traced your arms and back
Up the ladder:
Friends Forever?
Down the ladder:
The Bread O' Heaven
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.571429
Posted: December 11, 2005 2:30 PM PST; Last modified: December 11, 2005 2:30 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.153681 Overall Rank: 5213 Comments:
[7]
cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105
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12-Dec-05/9:08 AM
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Reply
Lucky Guy
I Saw Your Face Last Night
as I lay in bed, each line, each feature in the ceiling, your eyes urgently staring, lips parted as if to receive. Sleep distant your illusion hovered, reaching to me. I lay still, staring, not wishing to lose you in half-sleep, I tasted you in mind, waited for you to invade dreams. An empty place beside me, the sheets there cold, I traced your arms and back.
That's not bad, not bad at all. Thanks.
This is OK but many of your comments contain a more impressive use of language than this poem does.
Thank you.
"Mahommed professed to derive from Heaven, and he has inserted in the Koran, not only a body of religious doctrines, but political maxims, civil and criminal laws, and theories of science.
The gospel, on the contrary, only speaks of the general relations of men to God and to each other - beyond which it inculcates and imposes no point of faith. This alone, besides a thousand other reasons, would suffice to prove that the former of these religions will never long predominate in a cultivated and democratic age, whilst the latter is destined to retain its sway at these as at all other periods."
Found a good website for quotes, huh?
Here's one that might amuse you. http://www.poemhunter.com/john-updike/qu
No. I found the quote about not executing political criminals in the back of my Peace Corps Handbook. Weird, huh?
Either someone culled John Updike's "pronouncements" for the most cloying and obvious, or he's dimmer than I've ever imagined.
You should have seen him on book TV(alive and well I might add). I think he's going a little senile.
To be honest, I didn't even realize this was you until I went back and looked to see who the writer was. I think you're selling yourself short here. I really thought this was done by one of our kiddieposters (albeit a more advanced one.)
It's not a language I speak well - love. The kiddieposters are often better at it than I. I think that being close to something makes me a lesser poet at it until the thing settles into some sensible and kind of mysterious solid.
In all honesty, try writing your poem about imperfect and unidealized love, and I think you'll come closer to what you're aiming for.
I didn't think of it as ideal, maybe cliched though. Actually, in half-sleep, ideal images often appear.
up to "waited for you to invade dreams" flowed well for me, though "I tasted you in mind" started the downfall for me, I suppose. The beginning really needs an ending to make it exceptional, to me, and it doesn't get there.
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