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almost missed work (Free verse) by calliope rail; my head is softer
gloomed like dimmer wheels
through trainy trails.
like arms about to lift
before another drifts by quickly.
i'm about as late to work
as i have ever been,
but seconds are quicker.
and i clock in just as the minute hand
softly swings like a defective ticker.
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Arithmetic Mean: 5.2
Posted: December 6, 2005 2:45 AM PST; Last modified: December 6, 2005 2:45 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.0238404 Overall Rank: 7456 Comments:
[6]
cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105
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6-Dec-05/2:50 AM
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Reply
Cute, nothing more, nothing less... for that reason I dont particularly like this, but have had an enjoyable read, that I will forget quite quickly I am sad to say.
Yeah. Sweet, no lingering impression.
Here's what I can make of this: Your head's on the tracks listening for the train, You see it in the distance. The crossing gate lifts. The train goes by. You're almost late for work. If I'm even close to right I must be psychic because this is one of the vaguest things I've read in a while. Please use capitals when needed. I don't particularly find "i" cute or sweet, just lazy. And believe me if anyone knows about lazy it's me. Some good use of rhyme placement though. "Trainy"? Would have been cuter if it was "Tranny trails".
woke up late but without a hangover to explain it. drove fast, got stopped by a train. gates were about to lift, another train came by slower from the opposite direction(double tracks). but the timeclock at work was set back a few minutes for some odd reason (syncronization of my watch to said clock proved said point). wasnt late. you were so close, i just wasnt wearing a dress.
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