on some deleted poem
12 Dec 2005, 7:29 PM
Aren't Haikus supposed to have something to do with nature? I can't remember the last time I saw one that did.
on Towards the Sun or The keeper of the bay they call a pond by somemorepoetry
12 Dec 2005, 7:25 PM
The "letters / Of geese" is a weird line.
on end of the engagement by Mona Lisa
12 Dec 2005, 7:18 PM
Change "mortally" to "mortem".
on Bri's Room (not done) by Sunshine Conkey
12 Dec 2005, 7:34 PM
Yep, Just like my niece.
Look at the first word of every line. Do you see anything monotonous?
Look at the first word of every line. Do you see anything monotonous?
on Oh Merry Fay (part 1) by ALChemy
12 Dec 2005, 9:01 PM
Yeah I kinda just rushed through with the punctuation.
Thank ya Lil Lady.
Thank ya Lil Lady.
on One Moment to the Other (v3) by nentwined
14 Dec 2005, 6:15 PM
Simply change the line so "memory" is "memorable" and then change the last line so it ends with "ephemeral".
on Mixed Quartet by Dovina
18 Dec 2005, 6:46 PM
A -10- for inventing your adverbs.
on My kids by amanda_dcosta
18 Dec 2005, 10:08 AM
Unless your son's name is Danny Boy don't say things like "milk's a boiling" just say "milk is boiling".
"They hug and kiss, for she did miss" Add a "so" either before or after "did" or even better lose "did" and just write it as "so missed". I mean do you really talk in real life like you did in those 2 lines I singled out?
With that said, the rest of this is really good and I actually like that you put rhymes where it felt natural and didn't force them into places they didn't need to go. Now my challenge to you is to find out what exactly the elements were that made this poem effective and what things worked against it.
"They hug and kiss, for she did miss" Add a "so" either before or after "did" or even better lose "did" and just write it as "so missed". I mean do you really talk in real life like you did in those 2 lines I singled out?
With that said, the rest of this is really good and I actually like that you put rhymes where it felt natural and didn't force them into places they didn't need to go. Now my challenge to you is to find out what exactly the elements were that made this poem effective and what things worked against it.
on CHRISTMAS EVERYDAY by amanda_dcosta
18 Dec 2005, 10:24 AM
Good, now say it in a way you've never heard or read.
Use images and scenes unique in your own personal life as metaphors. How does baby Jesus compare to your own children? Ask yourself what if I loved Jesus in the same way I love my children? How would that change the way I approach my faith? Would it make me a better Christian or a worse one? What if, while nailed to the cross as he said "Father, why have you forsaken me?", what if he was not looking to the skies but instead he was looking us straight in the eyes?
Now write.
Use images and scenes unique in your own personal life as metaphors. How does baby Jesus compare to your own children? Ask yourself what if I loved Jesus in the same way I love my children? How would that change the way I approach my faith? Would it make me a better Christian or a worse one? What if, while nailed to the cross as he said "Father, why have you forsaken me?", what if he was not looking to the skies but instead he was looking us straight in the eyes?
Now write.
on Just for Show (Suicide revised) by sliver
19 Dec 2005, 6:38 AM
Proof that you don't have to use 50-syllable words to write a good poem. Reminds me of an old George Jones song... Yabbadabba Doo! The King is gone and so are you..." -10-
on philosophy of a new age by crazyknight
19 Dec 2005, 6:46 AM
on Unbroken Horses by Caducus
19 Dec 2005, 4:05 PM
There was a time when men were hard living, gritty, stubborn SOB's and women were everyday saints. It was a different time that called for a different kind of people. Do not judge or praise them by today's standards. They did what they felt they had to do.
on Heaven Help Me by cyan9
19 Dec 2005, 7:24 AM
Nice prose.
on For Love of Baseball by Dovina
28 Dec 2005, 2:17 AM
Explain the "Infield fly rule" to him and he's likely to propose to you on the spot.
on Romans 8:28 by amanda_dcosta
29 Dec 2005, 4:17 PM
The last line of stanza 2? maybe change to "I'm running away scared." But as far as I'm concerned it's fine to mix the styles up a little. This isn't your best work though. I believe on God. I'm not sure why.
Maybe you can give me some logical explanation for believing in God.
Maybe you can give me some logical explanation for believing in God.
on My Interesting Life by Dovina
30 Dec 2005, 3:49 PM
Shine on you crazy diamond.
I love line 1 of stanza 2. It sums up half the women I know and why their relationships fail.
I love line 1 of stanza 2. It sums up half the women I know and why their relationships fail.
on Construction Lot (edit) by zodiac
2 Jan 2006, 6:52 PM
Sunspangled? Maybe you mean sunlight spangled.
What about something like this:
It is a dizzying day in the city.
A March-wind flirting sings
in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by
where children used to play.
Now the sun flickers behind a fence.
And in my heart I yearn to cross that lot,
and again on my return, but donât,
knowing in my heart its current kings
are cold and stern.
I remember when I was younger and wished I could change the world and how the commonness of American complacency drove me crazy. If you wanna beat the system, buy some stock in NC construction Co.s and when you get rich buy yourself a lot for children to play in.
What about something like this:
It is a dizzying day in the city.
A March-wind flirting sings
in a standpipe in a lot I'm passing by
where children used to play.
Now the sun flickers behind a fence.
And in my heart I yearn to cross that lot,
and again on my return, but donât,
knowing in my heart its current kings
are cold and stern.
I remember when I was younger and wished I could change the world and how the commonness of American complacency drove me crazy. If you wanna beat the system, buy some stock in NC construction Co.s and when you get rich buy yourself a lot for children to play in.
on The Forgetting by Dovina
3 Jan 2006, 2:12 PM
What is with you people just making up words whenever it suits you. At least put a footnote to tell us what the heck it means. Actually I think "Eternal paste-tounge now." would have been a lot cuter.