on some deleted poem
4 Jan 2006, 3:36 PM
You've gone from sexy to Marquis de Sade.
I miss sexy.
I miss sexy.
on some deleted poem
4 Jan 2006, 3:50 PM
If it's a beat poem, theres to much forced rhyme.
Zodiac would say if you have a verse poem try forcing it into a prose format and visa-versa. The flaw I see in doing this is that you can easily lose your emphasis. Still it was a fun read even if I didn't make sense of all of it.
Zodiac would say if you have a verse poem try forcing it into a prose format and visa-versa. The flaw I see in doing this is that you can easily lose your emphasis. Still it was a fun read even if I didn't make sense of all of it.
on Shut Me Up by D. $ Fontera
4 Jan 2006, 3:53 PM
It's perfect in a plain and ordinary kind of way.
on light [edited] by lmp
4 Jan 2006, 3:57 PM
Lose the "The".
Nice Haiku.
Nice Haiku.
on This Is Me by PoeticXTC
4 Jan 2006, 4:11 PM
You forgot to describe yourself as like a niggard with money and a wet back when working.
on Half Hearted by elderking
4 Jan 2006, 5:41 PM
The flow is too marching band-like for a love poem.
Don't be afraid to bleed one line into the other by continuing the sentence or changing the meter slightly to slow or quicken the pace for added effect.
Maybe something like this:
Those half hearted chances
at loving once more
in half tried romances
leave me wanting for
impassioned embraces.
But allowed just so close.
My loving heart races,
while ours reach "almost".
These pleasures, half tasted,
amount to as much
as kisses wasted,
and hearts untouched.
Don't be afraid to bleed one line into the other by continuing the sentence or changing the meter slightly to slow or quicken the pace for added effect.
Maybe something like this:
Those half hearted chances
at loving once more
in half tried romances
leave me wanting for
impassioned embraces.
But allowed just so close.
My loving heart races,
while ours reach "almost".
These pleasures, half tasted,
amount to as much
as kisses wasted,
and hearts untouched.
on Claim to Call by MacFrantic
4 Jan 2006, 5:51 PM
The fragmented sentences don't seem to work for this.
The last half of the poem is great.
The last half of the poem is great.
on Goodbye Sad Door by woodstock20000
4 Jan 2006, 5:58 PM
Could have many different meanings. I kind of wish it was a little bit more specific as it sounds pretty personal. End it sad or happy or hopeful. Which ever way you like. It still sounds good.
on We'll be right back after these messages by INTRANSIT
4 Jan 2006, 6:04 PM
Hah! Once again it seems we posted poems on simular subjects. See, God does speak to us. And by God I mean TV.
Witty stuff.
Witty stuff.
on some deleted poem
5 Jan 2006, 9:13 AM
Yes, Americans are slowly becoming more like Eskimos in their treatment of old people.
Except for expressive language and one rhyme it doesn't really sound that much like a prose poem. Usually prose poems will have more poetic elements, I counted 2 similies and one small metaphor. Don't be afraid to jazz it up a little more.
Except for expressive language and one rhyme it doesn't really sound that much like a prose poem. Usually prose poems will have more poetic elements, I counted 2 similies and one small metaphor. Don't be afraid to jazz it up a little more.
on MEANinglessness by lmp
5 Jan 2006, 4:10 PM
I think you have a good idea for what a prose poem should be. I think this one just needs more ambience.
on some deleted poem
5 Jan 2006, 4:02 PM
Use "fuck" more sparingly so you don't just come off as a potty-mouth. Never again use "Master plan" in poetry unless your writing a satire on Rap music.
What I like is the irony of a rant written in controled stanzas. It shows you have the discipline to write good stuff.
What I like is the irony of a rant written in controled stanzas. It shows you have the discipline to write good stuff.
on Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT
8 Jan 2006, 4:23 PM
I like this, except for "joking oak". How many jokes could a joking oak joke if a joking oak could joke oak jokes?
on greymo(u)rn by lmp
6 Jan 2006, 2:49 PM
I like how you're diversifying yourself.
on What Matters by Dovina
8 Jan 2006, 3:52 PM
Who is he, Mr. Potatohead?
on floss every day by digipoet
9 Jan 2006, 3:21 AM
I hope your being sarcastic. If you really think an orderly life is the answer than good luck with that.
As sarcasm I like it.
As sarcasm I like it.
on portrait of powerlessness by digipoet
9 Jan 2006, 3:26 AM
Do you and LilMsLadyPoet know each other?
on Bloody Stools 'n' Butterflies by EAger to Offend
9 Jan 2006, 3:32 AM
See all of Dark Angel's poems and then realize you're outmatched.
on A New Year Prayer by amanda_dcosta
9 Jan 2006, 1:38 AM
Nice flow. Too many caps though.
I know they do it alot in Rap but don't over rhyme unless you have a really, really, really, really, really, good reason.