| Re: Reckoning by <~> |
9-Jan-06/4:16 PM |
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Has a groovy beat poem feel to it. It was pleasant to read but nothing much really stuck with me except the lines Zodiac already mentioned.
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| Re: Oh Verrazano by Joe-joe |
10-Jan-06/11:16 AM |
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Find stuff that is more unique to this bridge so that it can't be applied to any other bridge. Kudos for choosing to write about a bridge in Brooklyn that's not the Brooklyn Bridge.
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| Re: Flow by zodiac |
10-Jan-06/3:57 PM |
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That is a deep scar. Watch out if the tide gets too high or too low.
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| Re: cat by Dental Panic |
12-Jan-06/5:21 AM |
Well said. Maybe God does play dice
but I think he cheats a little.
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| Re: Flow by zodiac |
12-Jan-06/2:12 PM |
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I've noticed your line breaks tend to be more for visual purposes than for phonic purposes.
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| Re: Tulip by richa |
12-Jan-06/2:34 PM |
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Nice. Was there a specific purpose for using such feminine text? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't come across gay or anything. It just seems like you had a reason for using such tender language and I'm not sure what it is.
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| Re: Racism 2 by Dovina |
14-Jan-06/5:03 AM |
This would be relevent in the 1960s or to people in their 60s. Besides, ethnic people aren't trying to end racism through being nice. They're just being nice.
I do love the fact that I'm pretty much guaranteed a few fancy words whenever I read your poems.
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| Re: Racism 3 by Dovina |
15-Jan-06/2:43 PM |
Is this the one where you fight Mr.T?
Gettin' better.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
16-Jan-06/3:09 AM |
Change "moulded" to something like welded or fused. Moulding doesn't work that way. Mould means to cast.
Did Egyptian gods knight people? Did you know Lucifer and Venus are the same celestial object? Aphrodite and Venus are pretty much the same goddess.
Still it sounds very beautiful.
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| Re: A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta |
16-Jan-06/3:18 AM |
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You have validated her work in my opinion.
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| Re: regret by FreeFormFixation |
17-Jan-06/11:19 AM |
I get mixed race children out of it. It's nice whether it's read slow or fast.
Have you seen the new Kanye West video?
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| Re: A Haiku by amanda_dcosta |
17-Jan-06/11:44 AM |
"Tell me more, tell me more, that you don't got her preg
Tell me more, tell me more, cause he sounds like a drag" -Grease
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| Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo |
17-Jan-06/11:57 AM |
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Make the flow of both stanzas more consistant with each other.
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| Re: Jailbird by zodiac |
17-Jan-06/2:31 PM |
I keep thinking that she might be one of the many souls floating around in this blue-gray purgatory of poetry and chooses not to let us know she's here.
This is my message to her:
Sure he's exceptionally smart and inciteful but like me he's a man and will eventually shoot himself in the foot. Please Mrs. Z, if you can, make as many of his decisions for him as possible.
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| Re: Racism 4 by Dovina |
17-Jan-06/2:57 PM |
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| Re: "Joseph, Joseph" by Joe-joe |
17-Jan-06/3:19 PM |
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It's a wonderful life ain't it?
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| Re: a week off by hendrimike |
19-Jan-06/12:12 PM |
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I bet the original version of this poem was even centered on the page.
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| Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus |
19-Jan-06/12:23 PM |
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It doesn't make much sense but it's disturbing nonetheless. Needs some kind of continuity.
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| Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus |
19-Jan-06/12:31 PM |
Loose the multiple rhymes in stanza 2. It doesn't fit the mood of the poem at all. Did you mean "No(w) he looks down on you"? The rest is great.
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| Re: A flightless deer by Enkidu |
19-Jan-06/12:36 PM |
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Maybe the deer wasn't flying because it wasn't Christmas yet. You might want to use an animal that hasn't been associated with flying.(hint: Don't use pigs either)
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