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The funeral and the table (Free verse) by Caducus
China and lipstick Cling film and crusts Grandchild combed Like corn to sickle. A hot iron breathing Black shirt grieving Mother veiled leaving Bored Aunt weaving. Hearse black sky Dressed for my Father Moaning from the weight of dead He's water on dust again. Psalms murmured Corinthians butchered Organ fearing children Vicar rejoicing From the sound of his voice. Treadmill to Jesus In motion with Vivaldi Goodbye Father Flame to silt. The slow procession exit Gets faster from the grave They remember the buffet Striding to their cars Curtain vultures wait For tea and quiche lorraine. Vicars egg mayo smile Spitting my Fathers name Your not fit to say it You looked down on him in life Down on him in death No he looks down on you Choking hypocrite. I walked into his shed Planed and finished his table Then doused it in paraffin And danced around the flame.

Down the ladder: ~For Katie on her Birthday

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.0
Weighted score: 5.2384057
Overall Rank: 4024
Posted: March 26, 2003 3:02 AM PST; Last modified: January 18, 2006 2:42 AM PST
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Comments:
[n/a] Caducus @ 172.213.134.2 | 13-Jan-06/6:49 AM | Reply
Formerly another poem altogether. A change of style nad experimental for me here and suggestions (if any) most welcome.
[9] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 | 18-Jan-06/11:33 AM | Reply
"Vicar rejoicing from the sound of his voice" is great, but "in" seems better. "Choking hypocrit" is telling us what has already been better shown.
[8] ecargo @ 63.22.20.248 | 18-Jan-06/12:06 PM | Reply
While I really like the details, the "list" that begins it, strong images notwithstanding, seems to weaken it overall. "The slow procession exit gets faster from the grave" might even be a good place to start it (in media res) and then flashback somehow to incorporate those earlier images? Not saying that's the way to go, necessarily, but play with the sequence--doesn't necessarily have to be linear, and may be better if it's not. I really like the pyre ending with a personal touch (the table).
[9] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 19-Jan-06/12:31 PM | Reply
Loose the multiple rhymes in stanza 2. It doesn't fit the mood of the poem at all. Did you mean "No(w) he looks down on you"? The rest is great.
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