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Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) (Free verse) by ecargo My high priestess
in the grass,
for me it is enough
that the sparrows chant
in the high hedge.
Brown, like the ground,
and gray, like this winter sky,
each day they are dying, dying,
and each day they fly.
Such offerings you bring!
Your small sacrifices
fall to tooth and claw;
bleed red as spring.
Such an accidental magic
to be an intimate of air,
a certain hollowness of bone,
wings curved like light--
each flight a prayer.
Up the ladder:
The huntsman's secret
Down the ladder:
Arab Shepherd (a belief poem for Dovina)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 9.25
Posted: January 11, 2006 8:01 PM PST; Last modified: January 28, 2006 3:57 PM PSTWeighted score: 6.143001 Overall Rank: 1072 Comments:
[8]
richa @ 81.178.226.106
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12-Jan-06/2:03 PM
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Reply
This has good parts that don't seem to hang together. The first four lines are very engaging. I would miss out fixing your focus (or put it later) let the lyricism of lines 6/7 come out 'they are' breaks up the flow. Something like 'in the high hedge/ brown like the ground/ and gray like' would be better imo. The second and third verses seem disconnected from the question put to 'the assassin in the grass. The last verse is weak compared to the rest, the sentiment is a bit cliche-ey.
The idea's quite good though the presentation could have been a bit more connected. I liked it. Keep it up.
On a Friends rerun I saw last night, there's a morbid zoo custodian who addresses an opossum as "enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night." This reminded me of that a little.
Ace.
Another bunny pulled from your hat.
Make the flow of both stanzas more consistant with each other.
Yeah, I tried to do that and ended up with "lithe acolyte of spring," for chrissakes. Think I'll just slink along.
I don't mean to get technical, but I'm not sure that light "curves." It can bend, but I'm afraid it is rectilinearly propagated and thus cannot curve. Other than that, I like this one!
Unless it's in a perfect vacuum with absolute zero gravity then nothing will go straight.
From http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/m "The action of a gravitational lens is not restricted to visible light. If light takes the shortest distance through space-time between two points (which it does), and if space-time itself is curved (which it is), then the path of light will curve along with it, regardless of whether the light is composed of gamma rays, X-rays, ultraviolet, infrared, microwaves, or radio waves. And, most importantly, the cosmic stuff that causes the bending can be made of absolutely anything, as long as it contains enough mass to curve space-time measurably in its vicinity." "There are no straight lines in nature, only areas of color one against another." - Monet
Yes, you are correct, I forgot about grav. lensing...Einstein is rolling over in his grave.
I found it odd that the sparrows should chant above the priestess, is that done deliberately? A good poem, although it felt like there was another verse waiting to be written.
Yeah, I get that a lot. Actually, I haven't quite connected the end to the rest as well as I'd like, but it'll work itself out or not.
Again, just a cat. (And me with pretensions of divinity.) Thanks for the read.
Upon re-reading, it all makes perfect sense. It works much better when read with a clear mind!
What's the -- after "light" for?
I like em dashes.
Awesome here:
"Such an accidental magic to be an intimate of air, a certain hollowness of bone, wings curved like light-- each flight a prayer." I wouldn't have used the --'s I'd tweak>'like this winter sky,' and at 'Bleed red as spring', as something in there is messing with the flow alittle. I know you posted a while back, but I am tying to catch up on my reading...that said, some of what I am saying may have been already said...but I post without reading or seeing votes, that way you get my gut reaction and thoughts. I like this and would like to vote on a revised piece...it's worth a second look!
Full of light and grace and airiness- lovely to read!
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