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Arab Shepherd (a belief poem for Dovina) (Lyric) by zodiac
I passed a man in a field today Watching his flock in a fierce wind That curled his coat and shmaugh away Like flame on a stake - though none would say He stood less fixed than firmament. I think he might have raised a hand Calling me back or hurrying me on - Though I knew I'd be two more miles gone Before he thought to move again. Oh, 'twas no more toil than his to walk Against the wind and ride it back, But knowing my mind, love, I was loath To turn before it changed its tack, That I might face it coming, and may- Be think me better for the work. So found me there the weary thought I bring you home: But for the fault Of my own weightlessness and youth I'd stand like him, a pillar of salt And yet no farther from the truth.

Down the ladder: The Queen Mum - A Tribute

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Arithmetic Mean: 9.25
Weighted score: 6.143001
Overall Rank: 1073
Posted: April 6, 2005 4:10 AM PDT; Last modified: April 6, 2005 5:09 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Dovina @ 12.72.10.85 | 6-Apr-05/9:21 AM | Reply
I don’t know why you add to a good title, the phrase, “a belief poem for Dovina” unless your firmly standing shepherd reminds you of firm belief, and I either do not, or do, or also write about belief. In any case, it flows well, but I think you sacrifice too much clarity for form. Introducing the old English “’twas” so late in the poem, for example, and not using old English again, shows a strong desire to maintain meter. And that whole sentence is cumbersome. Shouldn’t “love” be “Love,” as a name?
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.19.212 > Dovina | 7-Apr-05/4:55 AM | Reply
Yes, that about covers it. The non-parenthetical part is the real title. The parenthetical part is so you'll read it. I've been afraid you don't anymore.

I wonder which you think you are: standing, walking against the wind, or walking with the wind. I really couldn't say. Me, I'm probably the guy who walks against till it changes and then walks against again.

'Twas isn't Old English. It's not even necessarily Middle or Shakespearean English. It was used in poetry as late as Robert Frost, whom this poem is basically a halfassed word-substitution of. (Hence the maintained meter, hence the cumbersome sentence.) To be fair, I could have used "It's no more toil" and been grammatically and metrically correct. I just didn't think people'd find 'twas olden.
[10] INTRANSIT @ 204.110.228.254 | 6-Apr-05/1:45 PM | Reply
Public or private, quite good.

I have never seen a pillar of salt
unless it was
contained.
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.19.212 > INTRANSIT | 7-Apr-05/5:08 AM | Reply
The original pillar of salt (i.e., formerly Lot's wife) is about 10 miles from here. Here's a picture: http://www.atlastours.net/jordan/salt_pillar.jpg
[8] sliver @ 64.12.116.135 | 6-Apr-05/10:42 PM | Reply
And yet still you stand.
[9] fevriere @ 62.254.128.4 | 24-Apr-05/3:27 PM | Reply
I like it and despite having a pick, can't find or accord with any faults pointed out thus far. It's a good poem, worthy of a good handful of reads, which is rare; it does have a Frostian quality to it, I'm sure. Observant narrative, conclusive moral. And the twas. :)
[9] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 | 29-Jan-06/12:51 AM | Reply
I like this but the better part is the title which is accurately and pin-pointedly attention seeking.You definitely got her to read your piece. Congrats.
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