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Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) (Free verse) by ecargo

My high priestess in the grass, for me it is enough that the sparrows chant in the high hedge. Brown, like the ground, and gray, like this winter sky, each day they are dying, dying, and each day they fly. Such offerings you bring! Your small sacrifices fall to tooth and claw; bleed red as spring. Such an accidental magic to be an intimate of air, a certain hollowness of bone, wings curved like light-- each flight a prayer.

richa 12-Jan-06/2:03 PM
This has good parts that don't seem to hang together. The first four lines are very engaging. I would miss out fixing your focus (or put it later) let the lyricism of lines 6/7 come out 'they are' breaks up the flow. Something like 'in the high hedge/ brown like the ground/ and gray like' would be better imo. The second and third verses seem disconnected from the question put to 'the assassin in the grass. The last verse is weak compared to the rest, the sentiment is a bit cliche-ey.




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