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A flightless deer (Free verse) by Enkidu
On the route where the trees line the forest walls I saw a deer. I saw it eating; it was eating, not flying. Not flying, because it had neither wings nor feathers to cover the wings it didn't have. The wings of the bird I cannot name are blue. The feathers are soft, but I cannot feel them. I cannot feel them like I cannot feel the wings of the flightless deer. There is little commotion on the route where the trees line the forest walls.


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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7694
Posted: January 17, 2006 10:39 PM PST; Last modified: January 17, 2006 10:39 PM PST
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Comments:
[5] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 | 18-Jan-06/11:27 AM | Reply
The repeats add little, I think. The idea is good, but needs refinement.
[7] ALChemy @ 24.74.101.159 | 19-Jan-06/12:36 PM | Reply
Maybe the deer wasn't flying because it wasn't Christmas yet. You might want to use an animal that hasn't been associated with flying.(hint: Don't use pigs either)
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